- Date posted
- 1y
Can ocd make you truly BELIEVE your previous fear?
This is probably going to be triggering for some of you who suffers from so-ocd, so I just want to clarify: it's MY experience, I'm not invalidating yours. I've experienced intrusive thoughts since I was like 10 y.o., some of them really scared me and made me afraid of my own brain. When I was 18/19 y.o, I started having a lot of doubts about my sexual orientation: I couldn't stop thinking about it, I became obsessed about the idea I could be bisexual and not straight as I thought. I made a research online and I found out about ocd: it all made sense. I was scared but also relieved to find an answer that made sense to all of that. I'm now 21: I spent years trying to find the right treatment. In November I got officially diagnosed with ocd, but my therapist didn't do erp. At the same time, I started dating a wonderful guy (my actual boyfriend). We had some very beautiful months, we did a lot of things together and I was really happy. However, I was also overwhelmed by anxiety, all the time. I experimented derealization very strongly. I still had some so-ocd thoughts, even if they started to reduce, then developed rocd and I also started to become obsessed about ocd itself. So I started to look out for a new therapist (I wanted to find someone who did ERP), and when I was on her office, telling her all my thoughts, I got so triggered... like, she said that "experimenting in a young age is good" and when I said that being with my boyfriend made me feel calm, she said "because you didn't have anxiety regarding your sexual orientation?", making me feel very guilty, like I was using him just to find relief. She eventually said what I was experiencing was likely ocd, but she triggered me anyway. I never returned to her, and a very difficult and strange period started. When I went out of that place, I was somehow convinced I was a lesbian: I thought "Well, it's not the answer you wanted, but there it is". I also watched videos on YouTube, read a lot of articles... and somehow started to think that was it. The scary and confusing thing was that I didn't have that invasive anxiety anymore. The sensation of derealization had already started decreasing, but since that day it almost disappeared. One week later I couldn't hold it together anymore, I cried with my boyfriend and told him all my doubts. I went home devasted, I missed him a lot, all that didn't seem to have sense: suddenly, I couldn't recall to my mind all the reasons I had previously thought about that made me a lesbian. We had a very difficult month, with a lot of ups and downs, we kinda broke up. Now, I've started a new therapy with a therapist I found thanks to the international ocd foundation. I finally found someone who is qualified, who told me I'm dealing with ocd, however... it really doesn't seem like ocd anymore. I ruminate about my sexual orientation and what should I do with my boyfriend all day long, but I don't have anxiety anymore. My heart beats faster sometimes, I'm sad, I cry, but that's it, I don't have that huge anxiety and big sense of urgency as before. The idea of being bisexual/lesbian doesn't even scare me anymore. On the contrary, I'm starting to be more anxious at the idea of staying with my boyfriend, even if before he was my safe place and I wanted to love him with all my heart. So... it wasn't ocd all this time? Or it was, but there is also something else going on? Should I take courage, break up with him, and try to solve these things out in a different way? Or it's another trick of ocd, and in the moment I'll break up, it will make me doubt everything once again?