Upset

My family is getting very frustrated with me for not getting a job during this pandemic, and it’s causing me extreme anxiety. The pandemic has brought up some contamination ocd that I didn’t know I had, and it is being compounded by the irresponsible actions of those in my household. Someone in my household tested positive a few days ago, and then negative a couple days after (the false negative rate is higher than the false positive rate), and so I’ve been extra cautious about staying at home and in my room. It’s not that I’m scared about getting the virus, I’m scared of passing it and causing harm to others. My family, however, has returned back to normal activities. They’re going to work or visiting others outside the home, ignoring the guidance of the cdc. They had even done this before the second test came back negative. They’re now getting angry with me for not wanting to leave the house (let alone my room) and not getting a job, mostly because none of them believe in the seriousness of the situation and think it’s all politically charged. I will probably be getting myself tested in a couple of weeks and move in with my roommate at my own apartment at my university (assuming a negative test), since he is more understanding of everything and is cautious. It’s not that I don’t want to work. If there wasn’t a pandemic going on, I would gladly be working somewhere for 40 hours a week and wouldn’t have a complaint. I’m just anxious about everything right now and no one I live with seems to understand.

Losing my faith in God has made this that much harder. I’m not talking about praying as a compulsion. But I used to have strong faith and that made any anxiety or issues I had that much easier because I could just give it to God. Lately I’ve had so many questions and am barely hanging on by a thread. I used to be a youth pastor and now I feel like there’s no hope. Then throw on my newly developed OCD now the problems are compounded and I just don’t even feel like getting out of bed anymore. I’m just so sad but have a wife and kid I need to be present for. I’ve never gone through anything like this in my life, why now when I’m needed most by my family?

I’m nearly out of options, my parents are absolute dickheads and assholes, they’ve been helping me with my OCD for 5 months and have just told me they’ve given up and don’t want to help me anymore, they, I quote, ”don’t want to suffer with me”, their suffering being just closing the door behind me because I’m scared I will close it on my cats by accident or occasionally move solething to a safer spot in case it light fall on my cats like knifes, forks etc. And buying me disposable paper plates and forks to eat with and they call that suffering witb me... When I spent the past 5 months constantly being anxious about my cats’ safety, spending sleepless nights crying my eyes out wishing I was normal and doing upwards to hours of compulsions daily to make sure my cats’ envioremenement was safe and taking care of them, not to mention all the days wasted preventing myself frol having fun doing things I enjoy to punish myself from my actions and intrusive thoughts, that’s my suffering, I don’t want to be a selfish prick, but I think I’m justiified in saying my suffering outweights theirs a thousandfold. My dad yelled at me, saying I’m not doing anything to get better?! Like, is he stupid? Does he think I’m the one delaying my appointement with my psychiatrist? My psychiatrist is the one who was supposed to see me last month but told me he couldn’t at the very last minute because he had a meeting to attend to... And no other psychiatrist are available for now and have an even bigger waiting list. He told me I wouldn’t see a doctor to get some medication when I already have medication, I’ll see the doctor when I’ll see I’m running out, I’m not refusing to see one. He said I should find a job when I’m already at uni and don’t have the physical and mental strenght to do that yet. He yelled at me to stop with my OCD immediatly or he’ll kick me out of the house knowing I have nowhere to go.