Hi guys, I'm newly diagnosed and my themes change constantly. Most of my compulsions or rituals are mental. I don't really know how to help myself here because I've yet to find a specialist in my city that takes my health insurance. I've done some research online and I understand that I need to do ERP, I'm just not sure how to do that on my own or if I'd be doing it correctly. Anyways, I do want to talk about something that happened to me last night and has now been triggering me all day.. I was at my parents house last night and they have a neighbor directly across from their backyard that comes over and speaks to them sometimes. She's an older woman in her 80s. She lives with her son, his wife and their 15 year old daughter. I've spoke to this woman several times but not the others.. anyways, last night while I was at my parents we had all noticed police, fire trucks and ambulances over at their house. It was a complete mess, so many people. Immediately we all thought something was wrong with the old woman until she came outside with the granddaughter.. she was fine.. then the husband came out and he was freaking out..more paramedics ran inside.. we then realized something was wrong with the wife. An hour went by and everyone left so we thought everything was okay, that was until more cops came. I was standing in my parents kitchen , it was pitch black outside and I realized I had seen two people walking towards the back door. It ended up being the older woman. I walked outside toward her and I asked her if she was ok and if everyone was alright. She looked at me with terror in her eyes and said that Karen, her daughter in law was gone. I gasped and didn't know what to say..I hugged her and as my parents walked outside we all asked what happened and if we could do anything for her. She said they weren't sure what happened. She was sleeping and didn't respond when they tried to wake her. She also said Karen was depressed and last week went and got put on medication. Corners were coming to do autopsy and everything and that she'd tell us when she knew more. By the way she said this, it made me wonder if Karen took all her pills and killed herself. I'm haunted by the entire night, the thought of what if she killed herself and the look on the old lady's face when I went out to talk to her. I'm not even sure if it's ok to talk about this because I'm not sure if I talk about things that I'm obsessing over, if it ends up doing me any good. All I know is that the thought of her possibly killing herself has me very triggered because I've had suicidal thoughts. I've been fighting my brain over if I want to take medicine to help myself with my OCD and now, I know 100% I don't want to touch the stuff. I guess I'm coming here to not ask for reassurance but to ask for help on how to properly do some sort of ERP or whatver the case may be to stop obsessing over this night . I know I can't get rid of the thoughts but how do I properly respond? I can't stop thinking about it. And it triggered me wanting to harm myself and I know I never would but of course the intrusive thoughts of wanting to, scare me to death so I've been obsessing all day long. Please, someone point me in the right direction. I appreciate you for taking time to read all of this.