feeling useless

context: I’m 21 attending community college. ever since spring of 2023, I’ve been pretty much failing my classes. I have dropped out of some and passed a couple. a bit of history; I used to be an A/B honor roll student. I repeated my senior year of high school to do me being at my lowest. I just kept working a lot and putting no effort into my school work. I felt much happier at work than school because of the people around me. it felt like I didn’t care about my grades at all and that I didn’t want to see anyone from my grade at graduation. fast forward, I’m trying to complete my associate’s degree. my goal initially was to graduate around this time of the year or summer. obviously, with me just failing classes again, I’m going to have to stall my graduation. for the most part, I have been paying for my classes except this recent semester which was Spring. my dad paid for it and yet I dropped out of some classes and failed the rest. I haven’t told him about it because I’m scared and just disappointed in myself that I let it happen again. now I’m working more due to it being summer and doing classes online in hopes to finish my degree sooner. I want to repay the amount my dad paid back to him because I feel so guilty. of course, it’s my fault and I understand that. I’m holding accountability for my actions. I just haven’t been the best mentally even though I’m trying to improve. it’s like one day I’m doing okay and then it falls back again. there’s not much business going on at work and new employees have been quitting. there’s one person quitting and I have been feeling the same for quite a while. I usually just try to think and say “just get through this summer” because I need the money. I feel like trying for another job is hard. but then I asked my dad yesterday if anyone at the company he works for needs people. he said that there’s plenty of positions and he can get me in. as much as I don’t like the food industry, I have experience in it & if I will make more than I do now with my current job, I might as well start there. I just hate having to deal with people. I’m not really that good at socializing. most of the time it’s just the forced “being nice & starting up conversations” to people so it’s not awkward. most of the time I’m quiet but once I open up a bit, I can talk. just not in a friend way because these are my coworkers. anyway, going back to college. I want to make enough so I can pay back that semester balance to my dad and have enough saved for a motorcycle. I haven’t taken a riding course yet, but will need to do I can see if it’s for me. I feel like riding a motorcycle will help me ease my mind. it’s like I need it. I’m desperate to just escape from here and just breathe. I have been thinking of paying for my own tuition for the fall. it’s going to cost a lot because I’m out of county and don’t make much anyway. I just feel so fucking dumb for wasting my time and money on classes that I didn’t even put effort in. I don’t know why I’m putting myself through this. I want to improve but when I try to start over again, I fall back. it’s been a constant cycle. I don’t want to fail again. I’m currently taking a class and doing the homework right now even though it’s the last day to turn it in for credit. I put myself into this because I want to work more for money yet complete my classes at the same time. my online friend told me to just take it easy and I just ignored her advice. I do understand her but I feel like I need to be catching up with people my age. I think most of them are on their last year of college or have graduated already. and yet I’m still here. struggling. I’m behind everything. my cousins that are close to my age (a bit younger) are doing well in college. they both know what to do and I’m still lost. one graduated already and the other is still in school. I feel so behind and a failure as a first generation student. so far, been failing classes, been mentally exhausted, dealing w/ self-harm, no irl local friends in 5 years and just lonely. I’ve been fighting with myself for this long. I can’t feel most things anymore. I’m just tired. and I would like friends, but as I mentioned in my previous post, I don’t know people’s true character. I don’t want bad people in my life. mini rant: I want friends my age. 20s. 19 is okay. 18 seems like pushing it but I just want someone my age or older. I want to feel where I believe I belong. I feel like an older sibling or something to those younger. nothing wrong with them but I’m just tired of being the older one I guess. I do have like 2 online friends that I talk to that are older. but they have their own lives and are busy. everyone is busy. I get that. I just feel so alone. I feel like a failure because of my performance at school. I don’t know where I’m going. I just want to find something to look forward to living life.