Help!

ocd makes lying SO hard for me. i get stuck on it and feel ridiculously guilty even when it’s nothing important. i was supposed to go to a birthday party thing tmrw for a bunch of people im not really close with, but my one close-ish friend is going so i had originally planned on it and told everyone yes. however im very introverted and i planned on canceling deep down because i just don’t know how to say no. i considered MAYBE going if i felt up to it but i really don’t now that its tomorrow. its also an hour drive and i don’t feel im up to that. i just texted my friends and my closer friend and pretended im sick with a fever as an excuse not to go. im so anxious over it now because i hate cancelling things last minute and i hate lying. ocd makes it impossible and i feel like the worst person even when its the lightest lies!!! i just wanna chill day LOL but i feel im going to be worrying about whether they hate me now or not

I’m nervous about an upcoming gathering. I feel like I won’t be welcomed or only invited for the sake of the host being nice. I am afraid of what I will say or do, that others will pick up on my non verbal behaviors like I do with theirs (i.e. a shoulder shift, eye roll, texting each other while I’m right there etc.) and I’m afraid that I will ruin the vibes of the gathering by becoming paranoid. I don’t want my thoughts to spiral so bad that I need to leave and my fiancé is out of town so it’s not like I can escape. I don’t want to be there the whole time but also don’t want to seem rude by leaving early and keep thinking that if I leave early will be a topic of conversation for others there. It makes me want to curl up and hide in the house all weekend and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it for over a week now.

Today is Easter and it was supposed to be low key for me and my family but my mom invited a family member that bothers my ocd alot and now they are on their way here and I'm freaking out I already had a panic attack (still having it) and my family is not helping either they keep making comments about how they just want one holiday with no problems and some other comments and it's like I'm sorry I'm not normal like my siblings I didn't ask to be like this now I'm just hurt, upset and I locked myself in my room for the rest of day. (And I was doing so good with erp and this is like making me have a ocd relapse)