- Date posted
- 1y
Harm ocd
I keep ruminating over this one thought and imagining it on purpose to test myself and I get this really bad image the thought is really bad about ripping someone’s tongue out i don’t know why the hell I started thinking about that and it’s about someone I care about and an image pops in my head today of blood around their mouth and their face looking like their in pain and I got this weird feeling I don’t know how to explain it but it makes me feel like I ‘liked’ seeing that image and I don’t know if it’s adrenaline or what the hell it is because this has happened before where I get this weird thing where it feels like I enjoy or like something in my harm thoughts and I don’t know what it is the only thing I know is I obviously am concerned because I know I don’t want to ‘like’ that but at the same time I don’t believe I don’t like it because of this weird feeling and I keep thinking what if it’s some thing where I’m secretly enjoying horrible thoughts and I’m trying to deny it or cover that feeling that’s why I feel so confused? And if It was anxiety why do I not feel negatively or at least I think I don’t feel anything negative or when that feeling comes it doesn’t feel as thought it’s a bad feeling like as if it’s good or something ? I heard someone that apparently the feeling of excitement and the feeling of adrenaline can feel the same so maybe I’m getting Adrenaline from the thought because it’s alarming me but and I’m confusing it for feeling happy or excitement/enjoying? But if I was having adrenaline or feeling anxious wouldn’t I be feeling bad and it would be an extreme feeling?? Idk but I’ve almost become desensitised to these thoughts and it’s just made things worse at least when I use to feel anxious I knew I didn’t like them now it feels like I can imagine bad thoughts on purpose in detail and am not bothered by it and I literally go out of my way to think of them and sometimes I’m worried I’m not doing it to test myself and It feels like I’m jsut imagining something horrible but idk if that’s the ‘obsession’ part of ocd coming in but I have had no professional help for this and I’ve had ocd for like 2 years now I don’t know I’m worried as well that someone can ‘become bad’ because someone on this app said they think it’s possible you can ‘become your fears’ and then I started thinking what it I’ve taken a liking or started liking these bad things because I’ve thought of them so much and keep trying to test myself by imaging them? I literally feel like I don’t feel anything negative and like I don’t feel worried or bad or guilty about thinking these things like as if I don’t know what im feeling anymore I don’t know how to deal with this