A Journey of Lost Childhood and the Search for Self

(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.

TW!!! I was born with dr*gs in my system as an illegitimate child; alone, tired, sick, rashy, dirty, and unloved. This became the first nearly 4 years of my life. I had no fear of strangers and believed that the pain I felt was just "normal." I did not know how to be bathed, go to the bathroom, or get dressed. All I knew was the dark, the itchiness, and the pain. I was brought to my parents' house on Feburary 18th, 2011, along with my brother who suffered from horribly deadly bronchitis and pneumonia at 4 months old, also dirty. Growing up with my new- no, my true family- I learned what love was. I learned what a smile, a hug, a goodnight story was. I learned that you celebrate birthdays and there's a thing called Christmas where you get presents for behaving well. I learned that life was more than suffering. Then, I never grew up. Some days I was mature, while other days I would act younger and was scrutinized by my peers. I couldn't understand for the life of me, why I seemed so different. I was 6 when I realized that I wasn't like everyone else. I realized that talking out of turn or getting super excited because I saw a catepillar or being bubbly and humorous was almost unacceptable. "Grow up," "why do you act like this?" "What is wrong with you??" The nightmares started too. I'd be in an alleyway or in my bed and someone would put a g*n to my head, make me do whatever they wanted. I don't remember any SA before this, but my biomom did have many guys over when I was little. I learned to eventually LIKE those dreams. I wasn't scared anymore, I just learned that I had to s*duce them in order to k*ll them so that I don't d*e. To this day, I still have them. I became angry at myself for not hitting that "normal," no matter how hard I tried. I was scared of being abandoned again. Scared of being alone. Tired of not feeling enough. I would snap any time I felt like I disappointed someone or someone tried to put me down. I would threaten whoever tried to bully me that I would st*b them. And I did with a sharpened pencil or a mechanical pencil because I was just so TIRED of feeling like I wasn't enough. This started 3rd grade and ended in 6th. The insults grew from just "Why can't you be normal?" "What is wrong with you??" to "You're a psychopath." "Crazy b*tch!!" When I'm angry, I laugh hysterically. I started not to care in the slightest, and embraced their insults, although, this lasted only about a month. 7th grade happened, and puberty hit, causing my BPD to really develop and spiraled into panic attacks and severe depression. I started to have SI, which was only fueled by the s*icide of a classmate. 8th grade was covid, and I was better because no one was calling me names or challenging me, but people now feared me. It felt good to have that control: I wasn't being hurt anymore. After 8th grade, a lot of my friends didn't want anything to do with me. In 9th grade I was manipulated and SAed by people I thought were my friends. But I didn't want to be alone again, so I listened to them and no one else, not even my parents. I was so under their control, if they told me to jump off a bridge because I could fly, I wouldn't hesitate. In tenth grade, I went to my current school and wasn't bothered with, but the damage was done. I felt vulnerable, lonely, scared, and just exhausted. In the summer of that year, I bought a burner phone and flirted with men up to 35 years older than me for the attention. I just wanted someone to like me, maybe even love me. I became obsessed and when the WiFi was disconnected from it, I flipped out. I ran away for almost 24hours before the cops found me. I was then sent to a residential in Oklahoma (that was literal hell) and was threatened and ab*sed there. I came home nearly 2 years ago and I'm still struggling from the trauma. Now, I have a fiance and my family, but that's it. I have a ton of medical and mental issues that hurt me daily. Everyday is hard, but I finally want to live. I want to love. I want to be free.

Assalam o Alaikum wa Rahmatullah, Peace be upon you all! I am writing this message for everyone who is searching for spiritual peace, truth, and a new life. There was a time when I was completely drowned in sins. I was involved in Zina (fornication) — which is considered a major sin in Islam. I was addicted to sex, used to do charas (weed), used to hang out with bad company, and had relationships with girls that were only physical. Love, for me, was just a way to take, not give. Smoking, porn addiction, and masturbation addiction — all of this was a part of my life. Right now, I’m 25 years old. But even in the middle of all this — I used to think deeply. I read books, looked for knowledge on social media, even outside religion, just to figure out how I could stop all this. Many times, I even quit for 2 months, but then I would fall back again. I didn’t know what was holding me back... I had never read the Quran with understanding. I was just Muslim by name. But on the night of Eid-ul-Adha, something changed. I cried, I broke down, and I repented sincerely. I decided to return to Allah. To try to understand Islam, my own religion. To leave all sins. I started reading the Quran, trying to understand. Day by day, I felt a change inside me. Now it’s been almost a year — another Eid-ul-Adha is near. And Alhamdulillah, now there’s no porn, no zina, no smoking, no drugs, no songs, no movies — I’ve left it all. Allah gave me new life — spiritually. How? Because I repented. In Islam, when someone truly repents from their heart, and decides to not go against Allah anymore — all past sins are forgiven. In fact, those sins are turned into good deeds. So I learned this, understood it, and repented. If you decide to become Muslim, all your past sins will also be forgiven. The door of repentance is open for you — as long as you’re alive. Islam gave me that peace I was searching for in all the wrong places. Even when I was deep in sin, I still used to try to become better. Researching on the internet, watching videos, reading articles and books — everything. Sometimes I even left my addictions for 2 months, but I would fall again. But this time, something was different. This journey was not easy — it was hard. You can imagine how difficult it is to leave such deep addictions. This journey felt almost impossible — but I’m doing it. It’s been almost a year, and I’m still going strong on this path. Even I’m shocked by it. But the strength I got — was from Allah. Because I chose His way. I’m saying all of this — with friendship, honesty, and pain in my heart — For those who have gone far from Allah because of secular thoughts, doubts, or confusion, so they can understand: Allah is never far from you. We are the ones who go far. Islam is a religion where the path to repentance is always open. There is no need for baptism — here, all that’s needed is a sincere heart. When someone truly says: “I want to live only for Allah,” then their entire life changes. Now, listen to these heart-shaking verses from the Quran — Surah An-Naml (27): 27:84 “When they will be brought forth, Allah will say: ‘Did you deny My signs even though you didn’t understand them? Or what were you doing?’” 27:85 “And the Word (of punishment) will be proven true upon them because of the wrong they did, and they will not be able to speak.” 27:86 “Did they not see that We made the night for them to rest in, and the day bright for them to see? Surely in this are signs for those who believe.” 27:87 “And on the Day when the Trumpet is blown, all who are in the heavens and on the earth will be terrified — except those whom Allah wills. And all will come before Him humbled.” 27:88 “And you will see the mountains, thinking they are still — but they will be moving like clouds. This is the work of Allah, who perfected all things. Surely, He is fully aware of what you do.” 27:89 “Whoever brings a good deed will have something even better, and they will be safe from the terror of that Day.” 27:90 “And whoever brings evil will be thrown on their face into Hell. You will only be repaid for what you used to do.” 27:91–92 “I have been commanded to worship the Lord of this city (Makkah), Who has made it sacred — and everything belongs to Him. And I have been ordered to be one of the Muslims, and to recite the Quran.” 27:93 “And say: ‘Alhamdulillah (All praise is for Allah)!’ He will show you His signs, and you will recognize them. And your Lord is not unaware of what you do.” This is my message — with friendship, truth, and from the heart: If you study Islam, If you read the Quran with understanding even once, Maybe you will find that spiritual peace you’ve been looking for all your life. Today, I say this to everyone: Return to your true purpose — because you still have breath in you. May Allah guide you all and light your path. Ameen.