A Journey of Lost Childhood and the Search for Self

I’m a 31-year-old woman born into a Muslim family. I don't know if my childhood was good or bad because it was strange. When I was born, my parents left me with my mother's sister, but my mother sent money and gifts. However, I never felt the warmth of a mother or father. Even my aunt was not present; she left me with the housemaid. This affected me significantly, and when I speak, my language is weak. Don't ask me why I didn't improve myself during those 16 years; I was utterly lost. I sought motherly affection from every woman I met in school. I don't know if this is the reason for my homosexuality. Suddenly, without warning, my aunt returned me to my family when I was 16. She would contact me, asking if I prayed, even though she never taught me how. When I turned 20, I searched online for how to pray because even my parents never taught me. From then on, I started suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) related to cleanliness and repeatedly performing prayers. By the time I was 27, I stopped praying because there was a voice in my head that wouldn't stop. Even after I stopped, the OCD continued, and the voice persisted. I don't know if the OCD is due to my childhood lifestyle.

fruitbat42069

Date posted: 1y

It sounds like you were robbed of crucial connections in your early childhood years, which can indeed have a profound impact on your attachment in adult relationships. I’m sorry to hear that. I believe everyone deserves to feel close to someone and supported in a familial way. I don’t personally believe the gender of the people you’re attracted to has much to do with what kind of relationship someone can provide for you. I’ve spent enough time getting to know people of all gender identities that people and relationships are so vastly different from one to the next, so I don’t think your sexuality has anything to do with the lack of a mother figure in your life. Your partner or people you’re attracted to may provide something for you that feels familiar or like something you need. It’s my opinion that it’s not necessarily the gender but the actions of someone caring for you (Or not) and how their personality aligns with the people who raised you that is significant. I also know that OCD and anxiety can certainly influence relationships and how you attach yourself and relate to people, but I don’t believe it’s necessarily caused by that. OCD expresses itself with a combination of genetics and environmental factors, so yes, your upbringing may have influenced HOW your OCD expresses itself, but it’s just here because you’re genetically pre-disposed to it, I believe.

Joyas

Date posted: 1y

I understand you, what happened to you is a childhood trauma because of your disconnect from the family the ocd chapter in your life is normal cuz it’s du to what u lived before try erp be strong don’t let ocd ruin your life 🙌🏻 you deserve the best 🌷

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