Only if

The things that used to make me happy? The things that used to make me sad? I don't know how to connect with those anymore. I used to be happy just looking at the sunset and nature, I loved being present in the moment but now being present in the moment is scary because now I'm faced with my thoughts and new potential ones so I'd rather distract myself. I love kballads and I used to listen to them and just cry and be happy because they sound so beautiful but now I can't embrace these things that feel like beauty because I feel like the exact opposite. The only things I can enjoy are K-drama's! But I can't watch things with kids in it. So yah that's tricky! And the things that make me sad?! Well I used to be sad and terrified about loosing my loved ones but now it's a different kind of sad. I used to be sad because of miss them and all that but now I'm scared of facing now messed up my emotions have become. I'm scared of loosing someone I love and then not being able to feel sad because I'm just numb, or even worse...if it becomes something I'm okay with or what if OCD convinces me that I'm happy about it because honestly it would be weird moving around the world with such emotions. So not only has OCD made it hard for me to enjoy the good things but also hard for me to feel sad about the sad things or just to put it short...to experience emotions normally.

i hate ocd so deeply. just a few months ago the idea of moving in ( in the future ) with the love of my life was comforting and it kept me going. the idea of sharing our lives was everything i needed. now because of ocd it feels like a nightmare, im not excited anymore. ocd makes me doubt that im a bad lover, that i wanted to deeply hurt my lover in the past and that i forgot about it. our relationship was the most comforting thing in my life, genuinely a safe place where i could rest, i felt normal around my lover i could let go of the feeling that I'm a monster. now it's terrible, it's all ruined, i feel like we shouldn't be together, it's a genuine nightmare, and it's not because of them, i love them so much they are the most beautiful person i ever met. it's just that not knowing if i wanted to hurt them or not makes me feel like i shouldnt be around them, so insisting on being in their life makes me feel horrified. my therapist says i shouldn't break up with them because this is all ocd. my lover wants to be with me, they always tell me about how they can't wait to live together, i think they r happy and feel loved in this relationship but it doesn't change how i feel. i Just wish i could go back in time idk what to do anymore. this is what i cherished most in my life and i don't have it anymore and i don't know if ill ever get it back

I’m a 20 yr old female, I think I’ve always had ocd but the symptoms didn’t become apparent to me until I was about 17. I feel like that’s where life went downhill for me. OCD attacks everything that is important to me, my sexuality, my morals, even my health. Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again and not have this vicious disease in my head constantly bullying me. But I know I will overcome it one day.