.

the thing is that i dont feel better. I had a triggering dream that basically confirmed my fears and now everything feels meaningless, to the point that I don't even obsess about the pocd theme anymore, because in my mind i've accepted that i'm that monster. It's weird.

@Nameless000 It sounds like you’re going through a prolonged exposure but idk for sure. Are you doing compulsions or not?

@AnxiousAlden I'm not. but if it is ERP it isn't one that I choose to do. Because that dream that I had completely ruined everything for me so now it feels all meaningless and I don't feel distress anymore. I felt better when I was in distress because at least I still could rationalise and think that it was all ocd. But it's not that case anymore. I feel defeated but on surface I'm okay. I'm not depressed. Maybe it's because I was so shocked by the fact that I felt genuine arousal in that dream that it nullified all the "positive" uncertainty that I had around triggers. A single event removed uncertainty. And now I gave so much meaning to that dream that I forced myself to believe in the pocd narrative and acting a "role", feeling like one, so that I shouldn't be bothered. I don't know anymore. I did a few compulsions but they weren't that big deal anymore, it feels disingenuous. All my worries now feel disingenuous so I don't adress them anymore, I don't ruminate.

@Nameless000 The last part is an hypothesis to make me feel a bit better, but for all I feel it's all meaningless. I feel empty. I miss when I was worried because I still had humanity.

@Nameless000 - Oh, I understand, so with acceptance and OCD, of course you would be depressed or upset accepting that "you are a monster." So rather than accepting "you are a monster" you are accepting the fact that you struggle with OCD and all the intrusive thoughts/feelings that accompany that OCD. It's a subtle shift in acceptance. I, too, went through a period where I was accepting my thoughts, not doing compulsions, but felt very depressed. This shift in perspective helped me, but it took some time and practice.

@Nameless000 I think I’ve experienced the exact same feeling you’re describing. I got a little bit triggered just reading your comment just now tbh. You aren’t a pedophile bro (probably). This too shall pass. Paradoxically, when it comes to OCD, as well as most other things, the more pain you endure without running away from it in any way, the stronger and happier you become. I was pretty much suicidal just two months ago but I put my head down and began doing exposures day in and day out. Now I feel good. Not perfect, but good. And I will only get better from here because I know this. You have to know this too. Exposure is excruciating. It’s the last thing you want to do. The mind will fight it’s absolute hardest to get you to go back to compulsions. But just push through the pain and it will pass.

@Nameless000 - Have you ever listened to any of Chrissie Hodges videos? She discusses the groinal response. This is not something we control, when we are awake or when we are asleep, just like intrusive thoughts. Give her Youtube channel a look. https://youtu.be/XQl6_Im0IX0?si=Ym7kRcGe_oi69F7D

@VGH I don't know anymore. I'm still active, on the surface, smiling and laughing. But like yersterday I saw something that would usually trigger me, because there was something that bothered me, I would normally be afraid of seeing inappropriate parts but this time I told myself "you're not triggered or bothered, you're attracted" and giving the circumstance I fell in I felt that it was true and I didn't second guess it. Maybe I fell to much into this pocd script, and because of that triggering dream I started to feel like I should act like the monster that the dream confirmed me to be, forgetting that I'm acting and feeling like one. Like method-acting. I induced my brain to think I'm a monster so that's why I don't feel that much distress, maybe. Just a few days ago on the way to go for the med entrance test instead of sleeping (I was tired) I spent 1 hour ruminating, engaging in a horrible triggering-ethical conversation before doing a medicine test. Now I feel empty. This past month I had a trigger everyday and now it culminated to this. I don't feel like an ocd patient anymore.

@AnxiousAlden I'm sorry for triggering you. But I can't live as a ****, even you said "probably". Some people are born like that so who's to say I'm not one? But I also forget that I had ocd all my life in various themes, but that dream basically confirmed me that you can be a monster even though having ocd. That if you tell yourself "be attracted" you will be automatically. I want to go back when I was distressed so I can beat myself up. At least I had uncertainty then and that made me feel better because I could think this is ocd and move on.

@Nameless000 - I cannot offer you reassurance, as that would be unhelpful. I hope you explore the info on NOCD's site, you will find it helpful. Compulsions such as rumination, make OCD worse. OCD can be overcome, you don't have to live with this.

@VGH it wasn't normal arousal. I don't even remember the dream anymore. Basically in this dream I saw from behind a girl and it was of ambiguous age at best, because i don't recall well, and I observed her bottom area, and I think told myself something like "imagine if this was of an adult and be attracted" and I immediately felt arousal, I felt GENUINE attraction and I was aware of it, i think I "liked" it. It wasn't a simple groinal response. I allowed myself to be attracted, something that I never thought I could. I went beyond a confine from where I cant return. When I went over to check I was reassured by the fact that this girl looked my age, but I didn't have that same certainty when I was further away so that means I could have felt attraction for a much younger girl. When I woke up I didn't remember the dream, I went to shower and realised that something wasn't right, that something wrong happened in a dream and I remembered and I was immediately defeated. Because the one thing that didn't happen that kept me sane had actually happened. That one thing that gives me hope is that maybe in that dream I wasn't aware of the age of the girl, it wasn't perceivable. But I'm not sure of this memory being the whole truth, maybe I'm remembering this way because it helps me cope better. But if it wasn't anbiguous then I feel like it's over. I don't know if the thought "imagine if this was of an adult" came before or after. If it came after that it would make things worse because that means I just thought "why don't you try to feel aroused by it" and I allowed that to happen, crossing something that I should never have. I don't know anymore. My life has been miserable everyday of this month. And now this. I can't get a break even in my dreams. I was afraid of something like could happen in my dreams without my consent but I thought that I would never allow it to happen, because i was conscious and it was my fault.

@VGH I'm sorry I wrote too much. Ignore it. I'm far beyond the point of return

@Nameless000 It sounds like you’ve been ruminating, bro. Ruminating is a compulsion as well. There is no way for me to know whether or not you are one, because I don’t even know you. There’s no way for you to know either because OCD blurs the line between truth and fiction in our minds. You must live with the uncertainty. Not trying to reassure you, but you seem like a good person if you are as stressed as you are about the possibility of hurting a child.

@Nameless000 Friend, I encourage you to explore NOCD’s website and YouTube channel❤️. Another resource is Ascend OCD’s support group https://discord.gg/xTbqaPew. You are not alone❤️

@VGH @VGH I know already of NOCD website and I found it helpful before. But this situation is too strange, I don't think there's somebody who experienced this particular circumstance the way I did. It's too abnormal. I don't feel good anymore. Before I was able to feel good, to know that I wanted good things, Now it's all blank. I'm also already a part of that discord groupchat. I think l'm going to try to forget everything and reset myself. But I wish this never happened. I wish that I never arrived at a point that I would reconsider to be true the horrible words that my psychiastrist said "it's okay to be attracted as long as you don't do anything" he even admitted that he can't help feeling attraction and that is because it's just human nature. I could never accept what he said. I stopped seeing him after a while, because he didnt help me at all, but triggered me more. I know that im all those past triggering ocd episodes I wasn't attracted, but I was triggered. But my worst fear was "what would happen if I allowed myself to go there?" "what if I started to like it?" I never dared and I never could even think about trying to feel attraction I would have killed myself if I felt attraction. And in this dream it inadvertently happened. I just pray that it happened without my consent and that you couldn't really understand from that dream. But it probably wasn't. My memories are confused. My life is horrible, this is an another thing to add to my traumas as if I wasn't already carrying plenty. I'll stop now.

@AnxiousAlden For me my fear is not about harming a ***, because I know I would never do that. There is a choice in that. My fear is that of feeling attraction over triggers or liking the intrusive thoughts. My fear is that maybe I'm born with the brain of a **** and that nothing can change that. Also you don't need to answer to this reply, I'm not asking for reassurance.