Has OCD kept you from from excepting less

(quick disclaimer that this is very hard for me to talk about and I’m thankful for any input you ladies could offer.) I’m a first time mom and loving it. However, I noticed my OCD spiking near the end of my pregnancy and it has only intensified since then. It manifests itself in sooo many different ways, at this point it’s getting impossible to manage. I bounced between therapist as a teenager but once I was living alone with my fiancé, I immediately developed a habit of “blacking/blanking out” at the time of my therapy sessions. I tried to reschedule but the same thing would always happen somehow. No pretty way to say it, we’re poor. Lower middle class.. if even. And as I was getting the courage to inquire about a state healthcare-covered therapist, I got a letter saying I was no longer eligible for insurance. I don’t know what to do. My OCD is truly putting my relationship to the test. My fiancé really has no clue how my mind works anymore, he can’t understand my logic (or lack of) and gets frustrated quickly. I’m scared it’ll eventually affect my daughter. Going to my family for help would be a mistake (been there, deeply regret that) and I’m against prescription drugs for many reasons. Does anybody else have OCD? How do you keep it from controlling your life?

I have been with my SO going in 13 years now. We met in college and have been together ever since. We got married in 2021 and welcomed a baby girl in the world last year. I had a severe mental breakdown in 2013 that landed me in the hospital because I was contemplating suicide. That breakdown nearly destroyed our relationship. I had severe intrusive thoughts and felt the need to tell him all of them. I felt like if I didn’t tell him, I was lying. I destroyed his self esteem, telling him all of the mean thoughts I had about him. I would feel the need to tell him anytime I saw an attractive guy in public, I questioned our relationship and told him I wasn’t sure if I loved him anymore. It was bad and very dark. Fast forward to now and I feel like I’m letting him down in different ways. I don’t feel the need to tell him every thought I have now but since having my daughter my OCD and depression seem to be getting worse. I just feel like I’m no longer happy and my daughter should’ve had a mom that wasn’t damaged like me. Didn’t have the abusive childhood like me. Wasn’t broken like me. I feel so much guilt. It’s putting such a strain on our relationship and I feel like my husband deserves someone better. Someone whose happier.

I’ve never been in a relationship, not even held a hand let alone kiss anyone or be in a relationship with them. I’m a female in my 20’s and OCD sees relationships as ⛔️⚠️danger. the older I get the more scared I become and I don’t know if to take the leap of faith and learn along the way or work on the OCD around it first. Any advice or if you can relate please share thank you 💜🧠🙏 Context: ( I like a guy he likes me but he didn’t know do he was ready for a relationship, I didn’t want casual then we spoke again a while later and he said he could see a relationship in the future and I shut it down and explained it was because of my OCD but I still like the guy and I’m worried I’m going to lose this opportunity with him but at the same time I don’t want to rush into it and hurt him because he will be with me + OCD )