real event

so ive dealt with alot of diferent subtypes so ik this is ocd but i also know regardless what i did was wrong and weird, i feel like I deserve nothing good and i need to confess to everyone that i love and that loves me or else im lying and forcing them to love me underfalse pretences even though im a bad person. okay so confession time, starting at the age of twelve hearing my step sister and her gf have sex any time i heard anyone having sex i “ got off” to it including parents or sybling with their partners. it wasnt to the people it was to the noises but now i feel like its irredemable and wrong. and if they knew theyd feel violated the thing is ive always been a very moral person like obsessed with them so ik if i had the knowledge back then i wouldnt have done it i just didnt see anything wrong with it at the time but now of course it ruin my live

garba

Date posted: 1y

Not trying to reassure you, but I’m pretty sure this is a really common thing for kids to do. When you’re that age, you barely understand sex itself, let alone more complex ideas surrounding what’s “right or wrong” regarding those behaviors. That’s why it feels so normal at the time but feels so shocking and anxiety inducing looking back. Because it’s normal for kids to do weird things that they’ll regret later, unfortunately it’s just a part of figuring out how to be a human for the first time. So now that you have more context, you’re horrified! If a 12 year old relative came to you and told you they did the same thing, you’d probably laugh it off and maybe try to give them some advice. A tiny slap on the wrist. You wouldn’t deem them immoral, just immature. Back then, you were a child who couldn’t be expected to know better. I’m sure if you told any of those people what happened, not one person would hold it against you. You were a kid. I did much worse as a kid, and I’m still here. You gotta ERP it out!

xyzwqr

Date posted: 1y

@Omolo yeah youre right, thinking about my brother coming to me with that i would not want him to feel like this over it but it just started when i was 12 and continued periodically through out my teen years but i do have to remind myself that if i would have understood the moral implications i wouldnt have done it and morality is subjective especially as a kid/ teen and yeah ik those people would be like lol weird but probably not even think its something to be forgiven but it doesnt feel that way high key wish i was just asexual and had never even thought ab sex bc my brain veiws sex and sexuality as such evil things

1230Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

I’d say what’s worse is that the people in your house were not aware or concerned enough that someone in the house who was 12 might be able to hear them having sex. Its not that weird that while hearing someone have sex, you got off. Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up cause it would just be an awkward and unnecessary conversation

xyzwqr

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous yeah i agree i probably wont bring it up bc they probably wouldnt be mad but just something theyd rather not know lol

xyzwqr

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous but also yeah your so right it was always in a way that had no regard for the fact that i was in the house but i also still feel bad and icky for crossing that line

1230Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@xyzwqr Sounds like it’s settled then haha

1230Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@xyzwqr It’s a little weird but they don’t need to know haha

emma345

Date posted: 24w

Reocd but actually did something bad

17f I have a lot of events, but my main and my worst one which is absolutely fucking diabolical was done when I was 14 and repeated when I was 16. Everytime I post something about real event ocd here people are like you are probably didn't do anything that bad, and when they hear what I did they are like yeah that's bad. Someone even asked me if I'm autistic cause "it's crazy how you didn't realize that the thing ypu were doing was wrong at this age." And I kinda agree, like it's fucked up It's just that my event is bad. Doesn't mean I don't have real event ocd. You can have a reocd over the event that was bad, it doesn't mean the event wasn't that bad or you don't have recod. It's just people always expect it to be something innocent and it's not Even a healthy person would feel guilty over it, it's just that I had ocd my whole life and it's making the guilt absolutely destructive, like to the point when I sometimes have a hard time breathing when I think about it, I lost more than a year of life to it, almost checked myself out couple of times if I wasn't so scared of pain/failure, the event haunts me in my dreams, it's in my head 24/7 and I will never able to forgive myself. That ocd. But the event itself was bad. So maybe i deserve it.

danielllll

Date posted: 22w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

I GUESS ITS OVER FOR ME

Hey i dont even know if i belong here or not because i dont think so i have ocd i am just making an excuse for the past crimes i have committed i am 18 now and about to be 19 so just wanted to share something i know for sure i have done this crime when i was 13 or 14 because why would i think and feel guilty over an act i have never committed for 5 years so yeah i came to know about this thing OCD and now i am putting my crimes to it and false memory that kinda stuff but in my mind its always like that "you have done those acts i have proof" after asking my sister 3 times that do you even remember a glimpse of my inapproriate behaviour towards you but no she has answered "nope if i did i would tell you i never felt uncomfortable around you " well how may she remember when she was sleeping when i did those acts and yeah she was 12 too so she must be a deep sleeper well my mind have too much proof that i am a sexual abuser i dont know why i am still typing but just wanted to know do i deserve to live anymore because according to me i am done i cant tolerate these disgusting thoughts about my sister and i may be a threat to her and i dont deserve to live in this family i love them so much but i cant do it anymore i am such a monster they deserve so much better

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