Harm ocd confusion

Soemtimes something really horrific harm thought comes to my head or a scenario of something happening and it feels like I get a feeling that I like it or want that ?? I was getting a kind of hot feeling come over me like and I’m thinking is that adrenaline from fear? Is it possible to be mistaking it and thinking it’s because I like it since it’s adrenaline? I feel really confused but idk can adrenaline make you feel like you actually like these horrible thoguhts or want them ? When you don’t? I read somewhere that adrenaline and excitement can feel the same? But now I’m thinking I’m in denial since it feels real that I got an adrenaline feeling that felt like I liked that horrible thoguht/scenario and I’m in denial about it because it feels real and almost comes to me like as if I’m secretly happy inside or ‘smiling’ inside which is really weird and makes it really difficult for me to feel like I’m not bad I feel like I don’t even know what I feel anymore or I’m confusing soem feelings for other feeling or I’m evil and trying to hide it or in denial how can it feel like a genuine feeling or emotion I’ve been going through this for 2 years and feel no anxiety for the thoughts but jsut now I had a horrible scenario about stabbing someone I care about repeatedly and it felt like a movie scene and then I got that weird feeling come like adrenaline but it felt like I liked that thoguhts and I got a hot feeling like flush come over me?? And these thoguhts even come with like dialogue or facial expression of the person the thought is about in pain and it makes it seem even more real? Am I crazy? Why does it feel like this?

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

I don't want provide you reassurance since that only makes it worse. But I can say that I can relate. Something that really stuck out to me in the harm/sexual ocd group last night was the therapist describing that she works with actual pedophiles and people with pocd. She said actual pedophiles are asking for clearance to go continue working with children and people with pocd are thinking they should be put in jail for looking at children which is a big contrast. For me it helped put into perspective my harm themes, like if you wanted to you won't go to a form and worry about feeling numb to the thoughts.

Kiki10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I completely relate to that “hot” feeling your body got when you had the thoughts. It would start in my head and throughout my body. For me, my harm OCD went from making me physically sick, throwing up and depressed, to functioning without the anxiety when I get the thoughts. It may be due to my medication and therapy but I know that hot feeling for me was absolutely nerves. I never equated it with excitement or adrenaline. I believe it’s our bodies way of still showing the anxiety without us getting our actual anxious feelings. OCD can come in the form of feelings, urges, thoughts, images, and feel very real. It can trick us into thinking we want it or like it ESPECIALLY after we’ve sat with the thoughts for so many months or years. It will try new ways to get you afraid again. Just stay strong and like another commenter wrote, if you truly liked it then you wouldn’t be concerned enough to write it out on here.💛

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@Kiki10 But I’m still unsure because it feels like I’m not being tricked into thinking soemthing and feels like a real feeling that I like it or ‘enjoy it’ and I’m jsut in denial like I jsut feel really weird how I got that thoguht and it felt almost like adrenaline like I enjoy or liked that or want it and it felt so real and doesn’t feel like i hate it or don’t want it I jsut feel weird. Like it almost feels like these things are just not happening by chance or I’m just not choosing to do them when it could have happened and not because I’m not doing them because I ‘don’t want to do that’ like idk how to explain it by anytime a thought comes or idea of soemthing bad happening it feels like it could have happened but by chance I jsut chose not to do that? Because I feel not anxiety anymore I don’t feel a strong sense of ‘no I don’t want to do that’ but I know that it does bother me but it feels like not enough to be sure that I’m not like that because that adrenaline feeling where it felt like I almost enjoyed or liked that thought of the stabbing thing and it was like a scenario movie scene felt so real and felt like I’m secretly evil or in films you see the evil person like evil smiling when no one is looking and I get this weird thing where it feels like inside I’m having that feeling but idk if I’ve jsut merged a bunch of things together and feeling weird. Idk if it’s because I’m believing this so much but when the thoguhts come it literally doesn’t come to my head anymore where I’m fighting the thoguhts with ‘of course I’m not like that’ idk if I’ve given up or if I’m believing it or what but it jsut feels really real that feeling that feels like I like it but I don’t want to be like that but it feels real like I do

Kiki10

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@lu22 I’m not exactly sure and don’t want to give you bad/wrong advice but I know in situations like this where my thoughts feel very real it helps me sometimes to imagine life after I do the supposed thing. Like how my life would change and what would really happen and how that would make me feel. Sometimes it puts things into perspective. If that feels too much like rumination maybe you can try sitting with the thought and waiting for the feelings to pass? I know that’s easier said than done. Do you have an ocd therapist?

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@Kiki10 I feel like thinking about the outcome would either make me feel like I’m not caring or worrying enough or it would make me think ‘oh you only feel bad because you would go prison’ or soemthing my head would come up with, my head is very hard to reason with like atm it’s so hard to convince myself I’m not bad I don’t have a therapist and have never really had one 🙁 idk how to make the first step to find one, another thing is I keep doing something stupid like today I saw this tiktok and it was about ‘sanpaku’ eyes and what they mean apparently if you have white below your eyes or above your eyes it means something bad or white above apparently means your psychotic and it showed pictures of these evil killers that had that expression showing white above their eyes and since then I keep looking in the mirror and pulling faces to show the white above my eye to ‘see’ if I’m like that or tbh I don’t even know why I’m doing that but I do it and I’m getting a hot feeling all over my body? Is that fear ? Because I swear after having this for so long idk how I feel like my body has got use to feeling stressed out and I don’t even know when I’m anxious or maybe I’m just not getting anxious? But i don’t know when I ‘don’t like soemthing’ if that makes sense

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@Kiki10 Sorry for sending long replies

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

Comment deleted by user

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@banana142 The thing is I feel like I don’t get anxiety at all anymore after so long and it makes the doubt even worse because it feels even more real and I also feel almost like I don’t hate the thoguhts like I don’t feel strongly against them before I knew I didn’t want them and didn’t like them but idk if it’s because I’ve gotten use to them but I feel nothing about them like don’t even feel like there ‘bad’ I jsut feel nothing, before I use to be desperate not to think of them and get out of this but now I’m just like believing it and feel like I’m not trying to desperately deny it and idk why it what is going on

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Anyone else?

Has anyone else ever mistaken adrenaline or anxiety for ‘excitement’ or ‘happiness’ over a bad thought and then it made you feel like there is something wrong with you? Online it says adrenaline/anxiety/excitement can all feel the same and after going through ocd for so long I feel like I got use to the feeling of anxiety and I feel confused sometimes as to whether I actually feel anxious or not. I feel really worried I don’t know I don’t even know what I feel anymore I had this stabbing thought and then I had this feeling where it felt almost like I was happy or enjoying it or wanted it and had the urge feeling and. Now I’m worried there is something wrong with me because it felt like it was a real ‘desire’ and now I’m worried and I can’t forget about it or get over it

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Harm ocd confusion

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