Why this keeps happening?

I would like to get an answer for this cause i want to know why this keeps happening. I compare myself with others cause i dont see others having the same problem. When they have a setback its usually because of a hard day or a big trigger, however for me its just forgetting what i have to do. A month ago i was really good, i dont say i didnt had setbacks but i saw that im going somewhere, you know the setbacks were weaker and weaker, and one day i just someone understood how emotions and thoughts works and i was able to enjoy my day while i had thoughts and emotions, but it didnt affected me. Then i was like this is so good, but im afraid i will just forget it like everytime and believe me or not, the moment i said it i felt that im slowly losing what i learned and after some time i didnt know what to do with the thoughts and emotions when before i realized it and i was living my life like that. And then i was unable to do the same thing, it was like my brain deleted it. It really feels like theres something wrong with my mind, how it foegets just like that what i did before? And now after 1 month im still struggling, the videos that used to help me and made me realize what i need to do doesnt help me, its like im watching nothing, my mind doesnt realizez this video made me understand what i need to do before, now it doesnt make me do anything. And im keep falling back to the point that my panic attacks are back, and it makes me feel so bad cause it means i did nothing, after all this work it got back and im still dont know how to deal with it. Im feeling like how i felt 2-3 years ago, like these years were nothing. Im really afraid that sometime i will get the night panic attacks again when i will be afraid that i will hurt myself or be afraid of i will unalive myself... It doesnt seems like im learning something. Look st my other posts, it seemd like im so close to recovery and im learning alot, but now if i read those i cant relate to those... its like a different person and it doesnt started slowly, like i engaged in unhealthy behaviours, it all started when i thought "i hope i wont forget this" and then i actually forgot what i learned... just like that... and now im again questioning acceptance, what to do with my emotions when i understood that and i was working on it. Im sitting in bed and i try to remember what i did when i get these bad emotions and all i can remember is when people say "you have to let yourself feel the feelings" and im letting myself but all i do is im drowning in them. After anxiety it comes anger then anxiety again and then im depressed and hopeless and then panic comes... i dont get why letting these to come helps me, it makes me drown and become depressed which will only send me to a therapist who will say accept it too... It doesnt make me learn anything it just drowns me, i dont get this acceptance and letting myself feel bad... Im just letting negative emotions take over me without trying to stop it cause now im accepting it...and it doesnt makes me realize anything.

YesYOUcan

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

First of all. Your interpretation is off. How can you both recall what has “worked” to lessen the impact of your ocd struggles then forget it. We do not unlearn things in this way. What it sounds like is you’re doubting / checking to see if the progress you’ve made is still working as it initially did. And through this self checking, you’re realizing that it’s not having the same initial anxiety reducing impact so you’re convincing yourself you’ve forgotten it. First off. Stop checking. Be present. Even if you’re not okay in the present moment. Be okay with the fact that you’re not bulletproof and you’re human and have good and bad days.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

Yes im okay to have bad days but i shouldnt have the samer reaction to those bad days that i had before. My bad days shouldnt be that im worry if im actually suicidal or i find myself that i cant talk with people confidently and im being so hard on myself. This is hard to heal but it doesnt mean that hard days means that i will have these reactions throughout my life. But i agree with you that my intepretation is off...i have to stop checking if it what i learned works but this is hard then cause if im still worrying and being negative and make myself depressed than it means it doesnt work. Or im doing something wrong. Sometimes when i find that it doesnt work, i start to panic cause i know i dont have the tools to handle what im going through and idk what to do, then i go to youtube to find the videos that helped me but it doesnt help, so it makes me feel scared and hopeless. The thing is that i was in therapy for years, even for ocd but for me therapy didnt helped, youtube channels helped me more. I see alot of people who has ocd leaves therapy and gets help from ocd coaches. So i think if i watch these videos its like im in therapy... but anyway i dont want to go to therapy cause it really didnt helped me, but when i find that theres a problem and i dont have the tools for it, i feel bad that i should go back to therapy... Anyway if you wonder why did i said all this, i wrote down what really happens when i find that something that helped me doesnt do the same thing and im dealing with something that i dont have the tools do help me deal with it. Or maybe i have it cause its the same thing but the trigger is so strong that my mind just froze. I learned how to deal with panic, and for years i didnt got it now its back and again im afraid of it, and when its here, its really hard to just stop, but then i start to spiral into im i reacting it in the right way or im doing a compulsion or i avoid or push away the feelings. Many times im so hard on myself cause i say that i didnt faced it, i avoided it or did a compulsion.

YesYOUcan

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@PRIV8 Seems like you’re falling victim to perfectionism. You’re trying to get it just right but it’s never enough. Look up mark dejesus. He talks about the trapping of perfectionism in detail. Secondly, you seem to have a lot of difficulty in sitting through the discomfort that the feelings/thoughts bring on. Then you panic because you’re checking and not feeling where you feel you should be. Perhaps check out Michael Greenberg how to stop ruminating. Hope these discussions help you find the root cause of the issue.

PRIV8

Date posted: 1y

@YesYOUcan Im watching Mark Dejesus, but when i hear him talk about perfectionism, i get it like it means is when im down or im suffering, i should let myself do it and dont even try to get out of it cause then im a perfectionist... its like i have to accept what im going through and this is the reality right now and i cant do anything about it. It stays till it wants, i cant do anything about it, cause the moment i try, im trying to feel "just right". For me sitting with the thoughts (like actually be wirh them) doesnt help, im becoming more depressed.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Help?

So, I don't know if anyone's going to comment on this post, but I've been doing pretty badly lately. I suffered from a second relapse of OCD around nearly a year ago, back when I first experienced OCD, I had all the symptoms, researching, crying none-stop, suicidal, etc, but now that it's been almost four years of this same theme. It doesn't feel nearly as bad anymore? It's almost like it brings me happiness??? I see people saying with confidence that they'd never do their intrusive thoughts but I can't agree with them, I'm not confident I won't do them, a few years ago, I'd say I'd NEVER do them and I would rather kill myself before doing them but now I can't say it. I don't know what's going on anymore and what makes it worse I think is that my feelings are all over the place, a part of me wants to give up while the other part of me is still fighting and I'm crying right now as I write this but I don't even know if I'm scared. Sometimes I just let myself "enjoy" the intrusive thoughts because I'm so tired and everytime I look at a reddit post about someone saying that they felt guilty for enjoying an intrusive thought, I don't feel that same emotion, and I keep researching and researching. It doesn't feel like OCD anymore. I can't even say I'm scares for the right reasons, my brain keeps telling me that I'm only scared because I don't want others to look down on me and the truth is that I actually "enjoy" the thoughts and I simply don't want to be looked down upon on society. I don't know what to do, I want to go in the bathroom and cry until I disappear

"Pure" OCD

PRIV8

Date posted: 20w

Feeling emotions

I get alot of times that you should let yourself feel your emotions,now I kinda see the emotions i was struggling with before, and the problem might have been that i didnt let myself feel them, and i even think that thats why i experienced panic attacks. However im struggling again cause letting myself feel the emotions made me emotional and throughout the day many times i feel something that i dont know what to do with, giving them attention makes me spiral. Now its about my dog, for two days he vomitted out what he ate and now he doesnt want to eat his food, some food he does want but those are some human food that he shouldnt eat. But my mom brought chicken meat to him, he doesnt want to eat it, and she made something for him but he doesnt wants to eat that either...This makes me really sad cause im afraid i will lose him. I feel really bad when someone who i love is sick and with him its hard cause dogs cant tell you whats the problem. I have a deep sadness about it and fear and I let myself feel it but it gets so bad that it doesnt help me at all. I dont find it helpful, its just makes my day harder. Now again makes me angry if i hear someone saying you should feel all your feelings... Being aware of it, it takes your focus too, i never understood that, how you are aware of something and your focus does not move there... The bird exemple is not true for me, if i go out and hear a bird chirping either im aware of it and it takes my focus,or I enjoy it with the view, or I just notice it and then ignore it,I dont give so much attention to it. Right now birds are chirping, if i put my awarness there i notice them, but if i focus on here that im writing now, i dont notice them,i forget that birds are chirping...Its not like im aware of both... I agree that i should let myself feel more emotions cause alot of problems came there but I dont know where is the line and when im giving too much attention or when im dealing with them too much...

PRIV8

Date posted: 20w

What is this feeling that i feel?

For 3 days I had a feeling that came up pretty often and I cant name it, I dont know what is it and the more i try to see what is it the more i feel worse. Usually letting feeling be and letting yourself experience it helps but not with this. I find myself feel grumpier, triggered and more angry. Its a mix of fear, but then i get angry too and I dont find letting myself experience it helpful cause I just stuck there. It feels like its in my chest and when it gets triggered it makes things hard to enjoy. I tried to be kind with myself and see what causes it but trying to be kind with myself triggers this annoying feeling and it just gets worse... i dont know what helps thats why i ask your help, if you ever experienced this... also i what i almlst forgot to mention, what is really important is that i became really sensitive to every thought, and any thought can trigger this feeling or any thought can trigger a negative feeling that will trigger this feeling. And honestly the "just accept it and let yourself feel what you feel" doesnt helps here cause i find myself really angry that i have to let myself feel the emotions that are triggered by these intrusive thoughts...

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