- Date posted
- 1y
First post
This is my first post on this group. I feel like I have reached a point of no return. Long read ahead for context. I always assumed I struggled with OCD but never wanted to be the person who relies on the internet. I sadly waited until I had an intrusive thought to get help. I had the thought of “what if I stab my boyfriend” I had an instant panic attack. From there, I saw a therapist and felt better. Fast forward to a family vacation. I couldn’t sleep in the travel. I was awake 28 hours. Another thought comes in “what if I were to stab my sister?” I freak out, hide all items that could harm her. Next night, “what if you strangled her with your phone cord?” I freak out. Spend the rest of the trip with my parents. I spoke with my other sister who has struggled with anxiety for some time. She got me feeling back to myself. I manage to get through this trip. I head home, can’t sleep, awake 27 hours. I come home, thoughts about my boyfriend again. My therapist is able to squeeze me in. We come up with a crisis plan and set me up with a doc to get me on meds. I can’t make it, I get to a point I felt I was going to “snap” or have an extreme panic attack. Didn’t want to risk it, I went to the ER. Instantly feel better in the ER just being there. I take meds for the first time and get the best sleep I’ve had in months. I get assigned to a partial hospital program, but test positive for Covid. I managed to get myself to a better place at home in quarantine. I debated on doing the program. But I do, and I regret it. I was put on three different meds. Which I feel made things worse. Rather than being able to distract myself from my thoughts, I can’t anymore. I try to tell myself I’m not this person and wouldn’t act on these things and it doesn’t register with me like it used to. I feel so numb and disconnected from myself. The thoughts are becoming constant and more disturbing. Has anyone gotten to this point before? How do you get out of it? Am I too far gone? Ps, I have communicated this to my doc I am getting off my meds as of today and as instructed.