Anyone with HOCD lost their attraction to men yet???? My anxiety is clouding my perception. Dudes/DILFS I used to think were hot asf are now unattractive to me. My anxiety is really clouding my judgement. It caused me to have a panic attack today ?

Okay so this may just be me. I sometimes mistake girls for guys and my instinct was never “she’s hot” it was always “he’s hot” because I thought they were male and when I found out they were female I got extremely uncomfortable, I didn’t have any desire to do anything I just thought they were hot guys. Now with this HOCD I’ll think “oohh he’s hot” and freak out and I’d have to examine and MAKE SURE they’re male because I’m PETRIFIED they’re female. But now it’s like when I find out they’re male I feel relief but I’m still extremely anxious about it. I still get the annoying groinal responses when I look at some women and it’s very annoying. I just want to be my normal straight self again.

It’s like I get anxiety towards any girl now. This feeling of First, thinking they are pretty Then, getting these series of emotions I can’t describe but there’s a hole in my stomach Last, Anxiety. A lot of anxiety. Feels like I want to *date* them These “attractions” feel so real. Like in actually gay. It’s like nothing can convince I am not anymore. It feels too real. And when I see hot guys, i Can just acknowledge they are hot now. Nothing else. I really just want to cry. It feels as if I was always like this. But for some reason it feels like I lost a part of myself. Like I lost my interest in guys. . I’ll never be with a woman, but I don’t think I’ll ever even be with a guy. The only thing I feel is anxiety. They feel too real for ocd to be behind this all, for this to just not be... real.

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?