- Date posted
- 1y
I relapsed again.
this is my first time posting about this but I gambled again. so there’s this dress up game I play & have decided to stop gambling on it bc it’s just gacha-based (lucky rolling game to get items). I have spent so much money on this stupid game so my character can look good. it’s a thing that’s been going on since I was 17. I started playing around 13 years old & the gambling began when I started working at 17. my mental health was complete shit & I gambled like crazy once I got my paycheck. it felt like an escape route to my problems. obviously, it was not healthy at all. still didn’t solve shit lol. anyway, at some point I stopped playing and had a hiatus of like 2-3 years maybe. then I come back & to just get freebies. the game has events where u can rank in & get rewards. well, this certain event is where everyone is active bc it’s club-based (people join clubs and in this club event, they team up to rank & get rewards). I didn’t have a club & so I created one to see the event rewards (bc u can’t see the event page unless u are in a club). can’t remember exactly but I maybe decided to play a gacha cos I had tickets to play. if the gacha comes with ‘charm’, then the more points you get. so when I played the gacha, I decided to be silly and try to get points. eventually, I liked the competitiveness and got points. after the semi-final round, I got comments on my board with praises for being able to gain so many points by myself. I was invited to join some clubs if I wanted to in the future. I added those people. ever since then, I decided to spend money again for gachas to look good and have joined this one club when I could to rank in the club events. so much was wasted because of that. I then decided recently to cut spending and just play for free (even though it’s hard but I won’t be spending money at least). then I did it again this morning. I woke up, checked the game cos I just get my freebies and go. but saw this gacha that rlly caught my attention because it had male items & I’m a sucker for male items to dress up in. had some coins saved up. used those. now, there’s this promotion that comes with every gacha. basically, it comes with rare items and stuff to really increase the look of your avatar & background. I really like the background and the unique clothes. there are ‘key’ items that you must roll and get in order to ‘play’ that promotion. let’s say I need grey hairs to trade for an item in the promotion. to complete the promotion, I need 8 of those. but with a special promotion, once you trade two grey hairs, you get one trade spin for free. so in the end, you need 6 grey hairs because of the 2 free spins you get. I didn’t get key items for the promos. so I decided to buy coins. I was desperate for these items. didn’t get key items. bought more coins. barely got any key items. I bought even more coins. barely completed one promotion but really wanted the main promotion (this gacha came with 2 promotions). eventually I gave up bc I checked my bank account and spent a lot. it was just buy, buy, buy; spin, spin, spin. gamble, gamble, gamble. it’s 7 am in the morning. this is not how I planned my day to start. I gave into gambling again. I can’t feel anything. and when I say that, it’s not like a depressed “I can’t-feel-anything” type of thing. it’s just nothing. it’s like looking at a piece of blank paper. you feel nothing of it. I feel like the disappointment became far beyond that I’m just like “oh, okay” & that’s it. what makes it worse is that I didn’t go out to eat with family (aunt, cousins, brother, and mom) members bc the buffet they were going to was pretty expensive since I was saving up money. it rlly wasn’t expensive in the end cos my mom called to say that I was exaggerating & arguing with me about why I didn’t go with my brother. I asked my brother before going how much it would cost and so after he gave me an answer, I didn’t go. 1) because I will just eat a plate and be full. 2) my baby brother doesn’t eat shit & is picky. I’m not leaving him at my house by himself. although my dad was there but it will be mean not to include him. my mom told me my aunt gathered us to celebrate my brother’s (18) birthday. no one told me that. I thought it was just a random get-together at the last minute. if I would’ve known, I would’ve gone. anyway, here I am. contradicting myself because I spent very much like 9/10x the amount of the buffet. on gambling. and every time I bought coins, I thought “this is a future reward for when u finish ur homework. u gotta put extra work in to make up for this.” I had hopes I would complete the main promotion. I didn’t. so I wasted all this money because I wanted to look nice. and this isn’t even about me irl. this is about a virtual character I have in a game. this isn’t even a future reward. this is failure.