When I have a thought that throws me into panic, I always feel so guilty and disappointed with myself. I think how it’s impacting my health, how it’s ruining my chances to have a baby (I have fertility issues) because it’s stress again, and stress is never good. One of my themes is getting some health condition and ironically I feel that every ocd thought makes it more possible. I hope it doesn’t work like this though?

I’m in the exact same boat as you. I’m really sorry and I feel your pain. A really good podcast is by The Anxiety Guy and it’s specifically discussing health anxiety. Have you tried any ERP work, mindfulness, CBT, or medication?

I totally understand. I’m at an intensive ocd treatment center now where I go 5 days out the week for 6 hours a day. It’s exhausting. Primarily what I do during the day is exposures. So I watch triggering documentaries about all the illnesses I’m afraid of, write/record/listen to worry scripts about my fear of contracting or being diagnosed with said illness, etc. This is ERP and the point of it is to “habituate” all while not engaging in any compulsions (checking, googling, seeking reassurance, reassuring myself, rumination, avoiding, catastrophizing, black and white thinking). I’ve dealt with illness anxiety disorder off an on in childhood, but it was mostly just bursts of fears that would pass relatively quickly. Then when I got engaged and married it really spiraled and since then it’s become unmanageable. Ocd or Illness anxiety disorder attacks our values. In both of our cases it seems like the desire for motherhood is a big one. Challenge yourself to do some exposures and look up the correct erp method so you can ensure you’re doing it correctly. Maybe find a therapist that specializes in ocd and illness anxiety disorder so you can get some cbt and erp work done. I’m also now taking lexapro after years of avoiding medication. It’s only been a couple weeks at the lowest dose possible so no change yet but I’m optimistic. Let me know if you have any questions at all.

Have you looked into tele-therapy? Basically it’s like Skype or phone sessions with a therapist which is super helpful for people who live in areas where there aren’t a lot of options. I would def look into it as I’m learning that it’s so crucial to have a therapist or psychiatrist who really understands OCD and specializes in its treatment. As far as baby planning- I’ve been seeing a fertility specialist for the last year. I was planning on doing an IUI cycle this October (I’m a lesbian and my wife and I decided that I was going to carry), but with treatment for my OCD there’s just no way, which is so heartbreaking but it’s just reality. I’m also 31. I’m praying that by this time next year I’ll be ready to be off medication. I’m also not going up to what’s considered a “therapeutic dose” because I want something that will be easy to discontinue and flush from my system when that time comes. But what I’ve come to understand- the egg cycle is 3 months so as long as you’re off antidepressants 3 - 6 months before trying there should be no medication left in your system (this is also considering the half life of the medication as well and truthfully, I think 6 months is a stretch). Where is your primary getting a year from? That sounds too long. There are psychiatrists that specialize in pregnancy because ultimately, there are plenty of women out there who cannot be off their medication. There’s also plenty of unplanned pregnancy’s that occur while a woman is taking some form of an SSRI. I have plenty of friends that were on medications while pregnant and now have perfectly healthy children. I think it’s really up to the individual. Also, keep in mind GP’s are typically going off basic knowledge, they’re not specialists. I completely agree with you on my ocd being rooted with an inability to tolerate happiness. How shitty. It’s a constant battle and definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to combat but I’m trying my absolute best. There’s also a really good book called overcoming health anxiety. It’s more of a workbook which I think can be really helpful.

Thanks, I will check it out! Well, my therapist is not a CBT specialist, but she supports me in trying it myself. What I’m doing right now is that I ban avoidance of any kind, and sit through my urges without going to compulsions (checking, reassurance seeking etc). I feel like I’m becoming less anxious, but at the same time more depressed... It’s like trying to accept something that I don’t like at all

Gosh, that sounds super intense. I’m admiring your bravery and willpower for going through all that and not running away. I can only imagine how much courage and strength it demands. I too have had a health concern ocd, plus sexual orientation ocd, since childhood, and yes for me too they have spiraled out of control when I found myself finally married to a great guy and safe and happy enough to start my own little family. When all I thought about was my career, relationships, drama, conflicts and other mundane things, my OCD was slumbering too... I think it’s just inability to tolerate happiness or something like that. Where I live it’s unfortunately virtually impossible to find a CBT therapist :( Some time ago I was on Prozac and it was doing wonders for me. Like no anxiety, not lingering belief that I am in danger, ability to think straight. However, I was not in therapy back then, so I didn’t use it properly to face my fears. And now my GP tells me that he cannot prescribe me medication for anxiety because I’m trying to conceive, so if I start taking them it will be a year or so before we should try again. I don’t know... What do your doctors tell you on that subject?