losing my mind

okay pretty sure i’m developing this now as it’s been a background obsession for a while. my brain keeps thinking of demons and a white witch coming to get me and i was lying alone in the dark and i keep seeing this white shadowy thing or if i see a glare in some glass or something my brain just says “the white witch is coming for you” and then i get paranoid about it because i feel like it’s something that somebody hallucinating/ delusional would think. and i keep thinking about really scary paranormal stuff which is so scary and then i’m wondering why am i so paranoid and scared about this because i don’t think it’s real but then i get scared saying that thinking it will get mad at me if i say it’s not real, and then i think it’s probably schizophrenia for me to believe this but then i get worried that it’s not and apparently if u pay attention to this scary stuff it comes for you and now i’m scared af. i hate that i used the word “it” aswell cos it makes it seem more real. because i don’t want to say it’s not in case there is something, but i don’t want to even believe this because i think it’s abit delusional and it’s like a PARADOX! and then whenever i start thinking about exsistential things it horrible because it always just goes back to me possibly have schizophrenia or developing it due to thinking weird stuff about the universe and my identity. and it’s bad because someone in my family has it and due to the diathesis stress model it’s more likely to occur when u have a genetic risk and prolonged environmental stress which i obviously have had now for the past 2 years due to harm and sexual related themes literally scaring the shit out of me :((( and i’m not at the age where it develops yet which is the early 20s so basically there’s still a chance and i’m scared now and don’t rlly know what to do cos i have a feeling the gene is triggered and now i’m just waiting for the symptoms to go fully blown and they’re already beginning. and i keep having this horrible feeling my hands are on backwards and it’s so scary and i feel like i’m having sensory hallucinations… and i get alice and wonderland syndrome where everything starts to feel rlly rlly fast (but i’ve had this since i was young, it’s just been abit more often recently) and i’m getting it more often and i’m just terrified that i’m starting to get hallucinations. I’m basically just venting so other people can feel less alone with this, not seeking any reassurance

the fear of schizophrenia is absolutely so strong, I want reassurance but I know it doesn’t help. I’m having relationship thoughts, I’m looping on every single thing that goes on in my days I am so lost and I don’t want to live this way anymore. It is so hard. I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending hellacious dream and all I want to do is cry. No one around me understands, I feel like I am crazy and I’ve lost my mind. I’m so tired :/

I've made many many posts about this before, l'm just here to share some more symptoms of this HORRIFIC episode I'm going through. For starters I'm diagnosed GAD, panic disorder, cd and adhd. This rabbit hole started when I randomly started to become easily overstimulated by my phone (screens in general)and any type of activity that required a lot of thinking and brain function like reading. From then on I started having major problems thinking and forming thoughts, like there was literally some mental block in my brain preventing me from being able to think. I started to google my symptoms and of course google is going to suggest THE WORST possible thing it could be and I read where the prodromal stage of schizophrenia causes concentration problems and sensory issues and overall cognitive decline. It has been WAY DOWNHILL from there, I started developing new symptoms almost everyday. My brain feels FRIED, my head feels heavy, I'm slow with my responses, some days I cannot think or function at all, I feel EXTREMELY depersonalized and disassociated. I'm having some severe memory problems, and I'm having this strange phenomenon where every stranger I see in public looks familiar or I feel like they look like someone I know, I also get moments everyday where I almost get like deja vu type feelings or maybe even false memory feelings for a moment. Another awful symptom I'm having is sometimes I feel like I have no control over my inner monologue anymore it's those same types of thoughts you would get just before you fall asleep or just as you wake up, my inner monologue just pops random phrases, words, and especially songs into my mind and it feels completely out of my control. My thinking doesn't feel the same. I'm more than OBSESSING over this potentially being the start of a psychotic disorder, it scares the living shit out of me, I can't even leave my house anymore, some days I feel so overwhelmed and just feel like im straight up afraid of everything around me. Im still very very easily overstimulated. Im over analyzing every single thing around me, I cannot enjoy music, tv/YouTube, im constantly on the look out for my "first hallucinations/psychotic break" im so terrified of becoming delusional, im constantly testing if I believe crazy things, l've had a couple instances where I couldn't remember if something was a dream or actually happened (trivial things like, if I said something to a coworker) or (if I had a dream about a commercial or it was a real commercial). Even when I very rarely have moments where I try and lay down and watch YouTube to get my mind off things, I can't enjoy it, it feels like I've forgotten how to think normally, I'm over analyzing trivial details in the video, I start to get scared that I'II believe the tv is talking to me. I just don't feel like me at all anymore. Im truly in HELL. One last symptom id like to add: I’m not sure if this is just the hyper vigilance, but when I’m alone in the house I feel like someone is behind me (I know there isn’t) but it’s like that 6th sense feeling you get when someone’s presence is near you, this symptom has only furthered my extreme fear of psychosis.