Hope

Hi everyone! I've seen (and made) so many posts about the negatives of real event ocd and how it traps us, but I haven't seen many about people who have found recovery, so I wanted to mention my story! Not going to go into details on my event because I want to avoid reassurance, but I will say I had some events that caused me a lot of turmoil. I was constantly talking to friends and family, seeking reassurance, posting online, googling, making confession after confession, revisiting related events I had never thought about before, debating if I was overreacting or if I was a bad person, the works. And this was over events of which the most recent was a year before. It was bad, I am ashamed to say it but it was to the point I didn't know if I could keep going on with life because OCD had me so fixated on my shortcomings. It wasn't as if I had faced some tragedy I could overcome, or someone had wronged me, it was my "own fault" in my view. I would start each day immediately consumed with guilt and wondering if I wasn't really the person I thought I was, make it through my day, and then go home, breakdown and cry. Like every day. I had struggled on and off with ERP for a very long time. I constantly doubted I had OCD, thought I was just looking for excuses, and never really fully committed. After a particularly bad episode, I decided enough was enough. I wanted to move on so I truly committed to ERP. Every day, even when I didn't want to or had excuses. And surprise surprise, it worked. It's been a couple months almost of just being happier. The ERP has become a part of my life now, I don't practice daily anymore because it comes up naturally during my day. Whenever I have a trigger now I just go right to "maybe maybe not" out of habit. And now I use it for so many things that used to give me anxiety. Did I embarrass myself at the night out? Eh maybe. Am I a bad person for not telling this person all of my horrible thoughts? I dunno whatever, doesn't matter. I get anxious still, but I don't dwell on these unanswerable questions anymore. Life is a lot better now. I can't say I'm a perfect person, but I'm not afraid to move on anymore. I wanted to mention this because specifically with real event, I know it can be hard to let go since you feel like you have evidence against yourself. I don't know if this is wrong, but I will say that now that I'm not in a constant state of anxiety, the events I was worried about seem soooo much smaller. Were they my best moments? No, but they're not the world ending choices I was making them out to be. Not to reassure, but I just want to emphasize how OCD can really get us stuck in our own heads and distort things so much. We catastrophize, but really we are some of the most compassionate people. I feel lucky in some small way to be a part of the community here. So yeah, just wanted to say that even if it seems like you're going to be stuck on something for years, it WILL get better! BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT THE WORK IN!!! Best of luck to y'all and I am here for whoever needs it ✨❤️

I just wanted to share a bit of my story as hope for those of you still in a dark place. Back in February, I began sinking into a depression. I couldn't pinpoint why, but life didn't seem to be as enjoyable as it used to be. My interests felt, well, less interesting, and everything grew grey. The strange part is, I had everything someone could want in life: a good job, a loving girlfriend, and plenty of friends and family. I was in a far luckier position than so many others, and yet I couldn't find my footing. I decided to get back into meditating. At first it was great, as it gave me some temporary relief from my suffering. However, I quickly became obsessed with the theory and philosophy behind many of the "non-dual" traditions. Before I knew it, I was having intense panic attacks and dissociation surrounding my identity, consciousness, and overall existence. Thinking itself felt unnatural, and it seemed as if I had seen through some great illusion of selfhood that I would never be able to "unsee." Furthermore, I became obsessed with the concept of free will and if we could ever truly have it in a deterministic universe. I compulsively researched and ruminated over these issues, trying to find answers to questions which were ultimately unanswerable. In April, I was formally diagnosed with OCD. I had never heard of the disorder outside of people using it to describe those who clean a lot or keep organized spaces. In some ways it was relieving; in other ways it was terrifying. Was it really OCD? How did this happen? How can I beat it? Will ERP work for me? What if it doesn't? I was terrified I was going insane. Quite frankly, it felt like I was, and this only spiraled me more. I was desperate to fix my issues, and the more desperate I grew the worse I got. It felt like I was drowning in confusion and doubt, unable to get a single moment's reprieve from the suffering. In May, I started I-CBT therapy. It is a somewhat new but proven method for helping OCD, but it didn't end up doing much for me. After two months, I switched to NOCD, where I found my current therapist and began working with the more classic approach of ERP. Because my compulsions were mental in nature, we began by scripting my worst fears. I would write and record these scripts, listening to them on the daily in different scenarios. Sometimes in the shower, sometimes driving to work, sometimes before bed. The most important part was desensitizing myself to the anxiety these scripts brought up. I often times listened to up to 2-3 hours worth of scripts per day. It wasn't quick and it wasn't easy, but slowly over time I noticed the scripts that used to evoke the most fear in me began to lose their strength. As my original fears lowered, new ones popped up, and I had to stay on top of updating my scripts and staying one-step ahead of my OCD, so to speak. I also had to be mindful that I wasn't using my scripting as a new form of compulsion to "fix" myself. This is a very fuzzy and tough line to follow, but important to keep in mind on your own journey. The key is not to cling to any one technique or approach as a silver bullet. Understand that this process and the things that help it are not linear. Now, at the of August, I can confidently say that I stand in a position I thought entirely impossible 6 months ago. There were so many days and weeks over these months that felt downright unbearable, as if I would slip into some inescapable abyss for eternity. To be completely honest, I still fear this possibility--that all of this progress is fake and the rug will be pulled out from under me at any moment. But the difference between now and then is that I can acknowledge this fear without it consuming my every moment. I can feel the sinking it causes in my stomach and continue on with whatever I was doing or need to do, whether that be answering emails, eating lunch, or petting my cats. And I think this is the most impactful skill I have gained during this entire process: the ability to act despite overwhelming fear and doubt. Which leads me to my final and most important point... DO NOT AVOID. Keep living your life. Go to the store, keep in touch with friends, go to school or work, ESPECIALLY if it all feels fruitless and unimportant. It will always feel safer to isolate, but this is just a feeling, not the truth. Until you teach yourself / brain that it is okay to feel afraid, it will always feel safer to stay in "safe" spaces than expose yourself to a broader world. Whatever you are most scared of, move towards, and continue doing so until you gain the confidence that you can do it anytime you want. Remember, it is NOT about getting rid of the fear, but acting DESPITE it. For better or worse, the only way OUT is THROUGH. Oh and the 67% number just comes from those report thingies you fill out every so often. I hope this helps some of you. Stay strong and never give up. One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

For the past 3 months, I’ve been dealing with a sort of forced exposure in my life that has involved two of my themes (relationship and moral scrupulosity) in a very real way. A mixture of real relationship struggles, world events and conflicts have forced me to really address the top of my fear hierarchy, ready or not. I’m not gonna lie. It has SUCKED and there have been MANY days when I could not function normally. I had lots of insomnia, trouble eating, not being able to be productive or feel enjoyment. My mind felt so dark and scary. It felt like hell, mentally and physically. But I’m slowly getting better at accepting uncertainty. (There’s a lot of it in my life right now!) I went on Luvox after being off of meds for a year and at the moment it seems to be helping! My intrusive thoughts are still there just…less intrusive. The problems triggering my anxiety aren’t gone. Things might resolve. They might get worse. My relationship could progress positively. It could end badly. These are all real possibilities and I would obviously be deeply upset by a negative outcome. But right now I’m choosing to just 🤷🏻‍♀️ and live in the moment. That’s a big deal for me because my whole life I’ve been so bad at that. I’m focusing on developing good habits and self-care. One of the best tools my therapist taught me was “Do I really need to know this to _____?” Do I need to know how this conflict is going to turn out in order to wake up, go to work, play my music or hang out with my friends? Nope! I’m just taking it moment by moment and task by task. The thoughts are still there and they still suck, but they sting less. I’ve been taking baby steps that might seem insignificant to some ERP pros, but I think it’s working! I could totally feel panicked tomorrow and start ruminating again. But right now I’m OK, and I’m OK with right now. This super long message is to say that even after what feels like hell, there can be hope and you CAN improve. Your baby steps—even just increased awareness—make a difference. It’s not gonna be linear but there will be moments of respite! Just keep going even if you feel like you can’t! Every tiny step is a huge victory and really makes a difference❤️✨