I hate how I feel and I just know people are looking down on me because of how messed up my case just happens to be...All my life I just wanted to feel genuinely loved by someone and now that's basically impossible.

I see. Well then I don’t think there’s any more reason to discuss porn. It seems to play a regular and healthy role in your life. As for orgasming to the thoughts: it’s normal. If you want to get into the nitty gritty of how and why it happens you can look up arousal non concordance: https://unboundbabes.com/blogs/magazine/arousal-non-concordance . I know that being reassured it’s normal isn’t going to make the fear and uncertainty and guilt magically go away, but understanding that there is a very well known reason for what happened can help. As for the shame of having orgasmed to the thoughts: you’ve got to cultivate some understanding and forgiveness for yourself here. I still recommend the initial book I shared with you here. Some mindfulness meditations focused on releasing shame and self-forgiveness and self-compassion may also help. Here’s the thing: You have ocd (like everyone here), you tested yourself (like we ALL do), and you got a super scary/distressing/unwanted result (something we’ve ALL experienced in one form or another.) All of this is expected, normal, and predictable when you’re stuck in an OCD cycle. Please seek help because i believe it will in fact help you, a lot.

Putting yourself out there is really scary and sometimes when we’re scared we start compiling lists of all of our feared outcomes so we can feel more in control. Sometimes we start fighting against them before they’ve even happened. I’m sorry someone accused you of having a porn addiction. My guess is that you have a porn compulsion. And it’s probably incredibly disturbing and scary for you. As an aside, it’s my personal view that porn, in moderation, is nothing to be ashamed of and is morally acceptable (especially when you take the time to find porn creators who have transparent, ethical business standards.) Porn as a compulsion has nothing to do with morals or right/wrong. It’s just part of the OCD cycle. Please release that shame. For what it’s worth: I am not looking at you as more “messed up” than me. I’m struggling HARD right now. Your suffering in no way makes me feel better about mine. I’m sad for both of us. I don’t have contamination themes, but if others here were to view you that way, that would be about THEM, not you. That’s their problem and their OCD. It’s their brains telling them something completely irrational that they’re buying into and learning to deal with, just like you and me. I haven’t seen you write anything on here outside the range of OCD. You ARE still viable for therapy and you can move past this. I say this completely genuinely. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now. Please hold some self compassion for yourself as you would a good friend going through the same thing.

It sounds to me like you could really use some self compassion right now. Try reading “The proven power of self compassion” by Kristin Neff. It’s amazing for letting go of that negative voice inside that’s always telling you you’re not good enough and cultivating an internal voice is more nurturing and understanding.

I don't have a porn compulsion. I just watch porn. Normally. It has nothing to do with ocd. And it's not porn associated with my themes because I'd rather die than watch that. It's just regular porn that I've watched all my life with the people I'm attracted to which is adult men. I have POCD and when I was very early in my OCD I was so desperate and suicidal that I would frequently test myself by masturbating to horrible thoughts to see if I really was attracted to children. This became a compulsion because at first it constantly gave me reassurance because I wasn't hard, I wasn't aroused and I couldn't get off at ALL and I was instead extremely distressed. Then one day, all of a sudden, that compulsion stopped reassuring me, because I had an orgasm and it destroyed me. The thoughts I had at the time were actually not explicit but definitely suggestive and gross and I remember telling myself "If this is really OCD, then theres no way it can happen again - I tried with only audible thoughts - just noise - no visuals - I orgasmed again. I was ready to commit suicide. Genuinely. It still stands as the biggest regret of my life. I could not believe that OCD was capable of that. I started obsessively researching whether something like that has happened to anyone else, and sure enough I found some posts. Then, quite recently, I looked up what causes premature ejaculation (because when that compulsion backfired on me twice, I managed to have an orgasm relatively much quicker). Turns out a premature orgasm can be caused by stress, guilt, and anxiety about having an orgasm at that moment - all three of these I had at that time, so this is the only way I could explain it to myself. I still exhibit OCD symptoms. It's just that living with something like that genuinely happening - makes me feel the lowest I could possibly feel at times.

I’m glad you’re getting help soon! I truly wish you the best of luck in your healing and recovery.

I see that you keep writing this again and again in response to others trying to give advice or support your posts.. It seems like you’re not even taking in anyone’s words, but rather immediately challenging each of us to prove we mean it. We do. But it’s not up to us to take down your defensive walls: it’s up to you.