Everything is stressful

Hi, sorry this is a long post. While I’ve started doing ERP therapy, it’s only been recent, as in the past 2 out of 4 or 5 sessions I’ve had now so I’ve only recently learned that I have ocd and that I should’ve been diagnosed for it much sooner in life (I’m 21 now and these compulsions and behaviors began all the way back to my preteen years like 11-13). Since I’ve learned that I have ocd it’s been enlightening being able to describe my thoughts and feelings (intrusive or otherwise). I’m realizing now as well that throughout this time, pretty much every minute of every day creates stress for me, mainly because these intrusive thoughts can spawn from what literally feels like out of nowhere. I wake up in the morning and sometimes an intrusive thought is the first one I have for the day and it’s been weighing on me for so long. I’m not sure when, but it eventually gotten to the point where anything I’ve ever found fun or relaxing has a seriously limited effect on me. All it serves to do is just mitigating the overriding stress. In more recent years, it’s made me question my morality and character heavily. I understand that these intrusive thoughts do not reflect me as a person, but it’s hard to not ask myself if I am this bad of a human being if my mind is capable of conjuring these horrible thoughts from nothing. These thoughts can even carry both inside and outside of my dreams too. Either an intrusive thought I can’t seem to get rid of no matter how hard I try bleeds into my dream, or I have such a horribly vivid dream that I can’t get it out of my head after I wake up. I’m currently in between my junior and senior year of college and despite being done with the spring semester, this stress has only risen since I’ve been home from school. While I still really want to try ERP therapy, it’s felt very difficult to achieve, particularly doing hierarchies of stressors because everything is already stressful. For many years I thought and was led to believe by certain adults is that this is just what adulthood was about, just working through the stress and things will change but after finding out about my ocd and that life is not meant to be like this has also fed into the stress. I’m not worried about doing anything drastic, but I can’t help but being so physically (I’ve only slept like 6-6 1/2 hours within the past 3 days) and mentally tired and I can’t stand it. Again, as much as I want to continue ERP therapy and try to make it work, I feel need something that will give me more immediate relief because I really can’t take feeling this way every minute of every day anymore.

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

This does sound very hard right now. You have a couple things going for you - you are smart, willing to do ERP, and sound like you have resources and you are young.

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Have you talked this through with your therapist? Can you slow down Erp? Have you considered meds for now while you start Erp?

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@OCDFamily Thank you. I have spoken to my therapist a little about this yesterday. I’m sorry if I worded this in a confusing way, the issue I’m having with ERP is that ERP is too slow. It’s hard to discern what specific stressors trigger these thoughts and behaviors because they seemingly occur without any specific trigger. With that in mind, I personally feel that I need something that will give me quicker relief from this than ERP. Obviously I know that there’s nothing that will just shut these intrusive thoughts down entirely but what I’m looking for is something to at least help mitigate the day to day stress as I continue working through ERP. When I mentioned this to my therapist, she had suggested I think a little more on it and let her know by the end of the day if I felt I needed something more intensive and if so, she would give me some referrals. I waited until today because I wanted to try and sleep on it to see if maybe this wasn’t the case, however it is not. I was very busy this morning and did not have the time to reach out to her then so I messaged her earlier this afternoon. As for meds, I have definitely considered this, but I’m unsure about whether or not I could/should pursue that through NOCD or somewhere else.

OCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Thanks for replying. You are going thru diagnosis and treatment much faster than many of us - i had ocd 40 years before Erp. Give yourself lots of grace - this is all new. Meds have been very helpful for me but not everyone.

SMS719

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

Feeling hopeless 💔

My ocd has been at an extreme all time high the past 2 weeks and I am in dire need of some relief. I’m not sleeping right anymore. for context: I live in the south and found a springtail on my sheets about 2 weeks ago. This was like 2 days before our bug guy came and sprayed (it’s a normal maintenance thing here) so it’s a common bug down here and I’ve found them all over different areas of the house before. Finding it in my bed sent me on a bit of a spiral bc I started to doubt if it even was a springtail and that i was wrong and that it was a bed bug, not trusting my brain. It was a bad, sleepless night and carried over continuing feelings. Typical ocd stuff. Well two days later, I’m a nurse and I had a patient that actually had bed bugs. This wasn’t the first day they were here and I did not see any myself but it still freaked me out. There had one 2 founds after visitors came the day before. Of course I wore PPE in the room (coveralls shoe covers and hair net) going in and took everything off before exiting the room. When I came home I stripped in my garage and bagged everything down to my shoes. Threw everything in the wash and did multiple cycles. There were no other steps I could take but I still had a terrible night. Hours of ruminating and going back and forth about tracing my tracks, thinking of new ways I could’ve taken one home with me. Just checking everything. I was already on a spiral from the springtail. Having two such back to back triggering events for me so closely related has made me deteriorate significantly. I was already doing bad with my normal OCD and starting therapy here. I obsess over the thought of having bedbugs constantly and haven’t been able to sleep. I am constantly checking my bed while in it and can’t settle down. My bed is heavy too and I keep hurting myself lifting my mattress to check. But I need to check. I’ve become obsessed. I check everything and go down Reddit rabbit holes looking for new things. And of course, I talk myself into it every time. I can’t take it anymore, it’s bleeding off into other parts of my life like friendship and marriage because I am so high anxiety right now. I need relief so bad. I’ve never felt this unstable to be honest. I feel like even someone without ocd would be really struggling with this topic, nevermind me, with ocd to a point where I just started treatment. These aren’t even my normal intrusive thoughts and compulsive acts. It’s just taken on a life in the last week and I can’t find any sign that it’s going to slow down. when I think rationally I know I did everything right to prevent but I can’t shake it. 💔

hestia

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 13w

I Need Help

I’m trying to do ERP therapy, but I keep thinking my subtype of ocd is the worst there ever is. I tried going on a walk tonight and the adrenaline in my body along with the shakes and the burning in my chest got so overwhelming. I felt like I was just about to lay down in the gutter along the sidewalk. I’m not trying to be super negative. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If it’s not one thing it’s another and I just wanna cry so bad and I want it to go away but it won’t I almost feel like I have to call a crisis line or something even right now while I’m writing this I’m crying so bad. I can’t enjoy a single thing. I joined a support group tonight, but I just feel like I feel so bad for everyone because of how awful it is. I know what I’m writing right now doesn’t make a lot of sense but I just don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to quit ERP therapy so bad cause I don’t think it’s gonna ever help. if anyone has any advice or suggestions, that would be greatly appreciated.

jupiter

Date posted: 11w

I don’t know how to live anymore

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

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