Wish I had friends

@Anonymous - My boyfriend is enough for me most times. It’s just there are times when either he can’t talk for a while bc of work or he’s sleeping or I don’t want to bother him with my problems. Especially the past couple months I’ve been a wreck bc I still can’t get over the miscarriage I had a couple months ago. But I feel like he’ll get tired of hearing about it

@kaylaxo It's understandable and just know everything is gonna be okay soon. Life have some up and down but it will pass soon. Totally we need to learn how use the time we are alone because boyfriend or if was any firnds or family or anyone can't be available all the time.

@Anonymous - I agree. Thank you ☺️

@kaylaxo Anytime 🙂 Do you blame him for the miscarriage causing your ruminations?

@Anonymous - Not at all. In fact sometimes I wonder if it was my fault but the doctor said that it wasn’t. It’s just my ocd starts the “what if” thinking and I start wonder if it was my doing. But I am working on not feeding that “what if” thought

@kaylaxo It may sound silly, but sometimes we can see accidents differently. Who knows? Maybe you will work on your recovery, and then you will have a baby.

@Anonymous - I really hope so

@Wolfram I don’t have any friends besides my boyfriend and I’m ruminating about something that happened earlier in which I said something hurtful to him during a fight bc I felt hurt by him. (he has said hurtful things to me in the past and that was my “justification” for it) I rarely ever purposely say hurtful things to him and I feel like a horrible person. I wish I had a friend to talk to to distract me from this rumination but I feel like I don’t deserve friends or a distraction bc of what I’ve done

@kaylaxo I just came across your other post, no judgement here. I've been there too. I can be quite blunt so bear that in mind. I'm not going to reassure. Hurt people hurt people, ocd or not. Ocd may explain the behaviour but you are still responsible for your actions and words. (my mother who also has ocd told me that, and it hurt to hear). Also, distractions no matter what form are ok if it's a form of escapism, not avoidance. Also I wouldn't rely on other people to be your support system such as friends. They're great if they can but you don't want to weigh them down. They'd have to also know the dos and don'ts with ocd too. My best friend of 10 years used to reassure me for about 8 years and that definitely made me worse. Once I discovered what ocd was and found out reassurance was bad, she swapped her approach immediately and its been extremely helpful. At the same time, it my be advisable to socialise more outside of your relationship so there's not a lot of pressure on the relationship itself to work. Does he have friends? Are you getting any therapy for ocd? Is there anything I can help you with? I was a master ruminator for the majority of my life and I'm OK now thankfully. Also, I feel as if I've made friends on here. Never shared details mind you. We aren't close or anything but I consider them friends nonetheless.

@Wolfram Thank you for your response. Yes he does have friends. And no I’m not getting therapy. I know I need it. I just have to make myself be comfortable talking to a therapist about it. Idk why I’m comfortable talking to strangers on here but not a therapist lol

@kaylaxo Maybe because you feel as if we can relate and are more likely to be less judgmental? I can share my experiences with therapy if you'd like. What do you currently do to try deal with ocd BTW?

@Wolfram I am able to deal with it sometimes like when it comes to intrusive thoughts telling myself that it’s not me and it doesn’t mean anything but in other aspects like rumination, contamination, perfectionism etc I’m not very good. In the past few years I’ve done a lot of research into it and have tried to keep tips in dealing with it in mind but I guess like at the time a particular thing is happening I don’t really think about those tips? Except for rumination but those tips don’t usually work for me. What have your experiences in therapy been like?

@kaylaxo Yeah I get that. When you're in fight, flight or freeze, you forget everything you learn. Brains are wonderful 😅 About 13 years ago I did cbt therapy and had a 6 month period where I was doing well but felt like I was on auto pilot the whole time. (was undiagnosed until last year with ocd). Stressors kicked in and as they will inevetabley do in life and then started to regress. It got worse and worse and found that cbt although useful didn't provide me with tools to manage myself long term. Way before that when I was a teen and did talk therapy, that did nothing for me. It just got me out of school and that's why I kept going. I did a bit of emdr for trauma and that was probably the fastest working therapy I've ever had. Highly recommend going for that if you want to get over any. There's even a form of it where you don't even have to speak to the therapist about the trauma, you just need to imagine it while speaking to them. I did erp last year. I was on a waiting list for therapy and the friend I used to distract me was getting the rough end of the stick. I lost her before I could start my 2nd session. Grief and heartbreak however was an amazing fuel for recovery. The stats for ocd recovery are shocking and really demotivating so I went into erp with a "screw that, that's not gonna be me" attitude. I opened up as fully as I could and we worked on past traumas that reinforced certain core values to an extreme standard and did erp for stuff I was currently going through. I also tried to get the hang of self erp outside sessions and did it as much as I could, even with stuff I wouldn't consider ocd. I used a phobia I had as a test subject first and it worked. That was a big eureka moment. I hit what I called remission in 3 months. Lots of mistakes and learning curves along the way. I decided to let go of a lot of distractions like TV and games and other unhealthy dopamine fixes and realised how many stressor I actually have in my life and was avoiding. Ocd came back tenfold and even though I knew what to do, I couldn't find the strength to resist compulsions. I was so completely overwhelmed with stress. I was considering therapy for another trauma I forgot or overlooked and somehow managed to deal with that on my own and don't need it any more. So what helped me was: - altered my diet slightly to have seratonin boosting foods - engaged in activities that boosted seratonin release (eating the food is pointless is almost without this) - emdr for trauma - cbt if you want short term ocd relief - erp if you want longer lasting relief with the tools to deal with it - practice self erp when you can (a proper understanding is needed as I definitely got it wrong a few times) - Stoicism helped me reduce the amount of stressors - Buddhism helped me deal with my last trauma and understand what was going on. It made me aware. - letting those who are close to me know what's bad for ocd so they don't accidentally make me worse (stuff like the difference between reassurance and encouragement) - manage your stressors or they'll manage you. You will never be completely free of stressors. - taking responsibility for myself and my condition, it is nobody else's responsibility to deal with it. (therapists are an exception) - learning how to calm myself down when stressed without compulsions. Stuff like grounding techniques etc - learning what intrusive thoughts are and how to properly deal with them. It's completely counterintuitive, but once you get it, you get it. - calling ocd helplines for better understandings on certain things Overall therapy I believed saved my life. I could've went my whole life without getting therapy but the amount of loss and pain that would come with that would never be worth it. I took a stand to never let ocd take away from me the people I love again. It then changed to taking a stand for me and me alone. My therapist was an amazing teacher and I will never forget her for as long as I live. Therapy is worth it

@Wolfram Thank you so much for such a detailed response. I’m going to try to look into therapy soon. I just hope they take my insurance lol

@kaylaxo Good luck

@kaylaxo I hope you don't me sharing this. This artist has ocd too and I listened to this on repeat when I was going through something not too dissimilar to you https://youtu.be/E1ZVSFfCk9g?feature=shared

@Wolfram I think sharing your story would help others too. I've seen some guys so disappointed and hopeless. I wish they would read this, or that you would motivate them by commenting to them.

@Wolfram I don’t mind at all! Thank you so much

@Anonymous - Thank you for your comment. Made me a bit emotional tbh. When I first discovered I had ocd the comments on YouTube videos and other places were all of dread and hopelessness and wishing they didn't have it. A lot of people want to get better but don't know how. How is important and the understanding around it too. I want to make something of myself a little first. I've shared my story before. I plan on doing content to help people understand and write a fantasy series with characters who have ocd etc. It may take a while but I think it will have the most far reaching and longer lasting impact. I had it 27 years undiagnosed with many themes along the way with some symptoms that aren't too common with it too. The last 2 years have the been the most transformative of my life and I have been my own Guinea pig for trial and error to what works and doesn't with ocd. I want to change the world in which people will see ocd and help them guide themselves out of it. The education is out there but incredibly scattered. I will share in a way I haven't seen done before. If my life has purpose, this is one of them. Thank you again ☺️

@Wolfram You're welcome. Thank you too. I agree with you. You are making a great decision. It will help them.

@Wolfram You will reach your purpose. Can you tell me about the foods or activities you use for serotonin boosting?

@Anonymous - ●Tryptophan - leafy greens, sunflower seeds, water cress, soy beans, pumpkin seeds, mushrooms, brocoli, peas ●vit b6 - nutritional yeast, muesli, avacado, pistachio nuts, butternut squash, banana, quinoa, brown spaghetti, chestnuts, hazelnuts, oranges, tahini, potatoes, chickpeas, kidney beans, peanuts ●higher b12 complex - yeast extract, Soya milk, almond milk, tofu, tempeh, seaweed, beetroot ●Vit D - portobello mushrooms, shitake mushrooms, orange juice, soya yoghurt ●zinc - beans, cashew nuts, Lentils, chia seeds, linseed, hemp seeds, wholemeal bread, blackberries, pomegranate juice, spinach, strawberries, pecan nuts, Brazil nuts, oatmeal Bear in mind I'm vegan with this. So this provides my building blocks for a possibility of a higher output of serotonin. As for the activities, you can Google it. Exercise being the top one and walking in nature, listening to music for myself. It's like having protein when working out. If you work out it gets used, if you sit on the sofa watching TV, the excess will be pooped out. Tell your body what to do with the building blocks or it'll be wasted. What I found out with sugars, saturated and trans fats however, you don't need to do anything for them to have an effect. They're neural inflammatories and make it hard for you to use the neutral pathway we find hard to use with ocd when stressed. The indirect pathway for rationalising. If you do want to treat yourself to some junk food, be aware that it'll be harder for your ocd for a bit. Maybe eat neural anti inflammatories too. I could go on about dopamine too and habit forming but I'm currently in the process of experimenting with that but think I know what to do 😬

@Wolfram If I have 2 of any on that list a day I'm usually good. If I can get all, that's ideal

@Wolfram Neural pathway*

@Wolfram I used to take those vitamins in supplement form but I got out of the habit. I need to start taking them again

@Wolfram Thank you for information and details.

@kaylaxo Methylated forms of the vitamins can sometimes be better. Capsules instead of tablets too