OCD is such a bastard. This is going to be weird but for the longest time I've had this imaginary world in ny head that I would kind of use as a coping mechanism and also just a way to kill time and address some of the things in life I'm curious of/ some recent events in my actual life. I know this is gonna be bizarre but in that world I'm basically the main character. This is all a fantasy btw, I don't conflate it with the real world in any way. The whole premise of that fantasy is basically a what-if scenario. What if I had amazing superpowers in an alternate universe. I would honestly imagine myself becoming a person who assassinates like...The worst human beings on Earth. Child-like and scary, I know, but it wasn't anything I took seriously, it was more like me throwing gritty, edgy, dark themes into this weird inner-anime series I was having. I'm studying animation in university so I was eventually planning on animating that whole thing. The reason I settled on that idea wasn't because of any type of interest towards gratuitous violence, but it was more like me being like "what if in a different universe I took out my frustrations and self-hatred by trying to basically make myself a makeshift hero". It's a little bit Death Note inspired but I also had something like a boyfriend character (even more pathetic, I know) who would challenge my agenda with his own and he would constantly try to stop me from my deeds. It would basically be like an exploration of different societal issues. It wasn't anything like...connected with my own revenge fantasies or pent up frustrations it was really just me being a huge nerd and thinking OMG ASSASSINS WITH GUITARS AND A SENSE FOR JUSTICE ARE COOL. Since the main character was directly based off me, of course he was going to face the same issues I'm having with OCD and all. Here's the thing though - My OCD was like "wait a second. People with OCD are like harmless. If you animate something like that and your character is both an assassin and has OCD, people are gonna think people with OCD are crazy murderers". I try to fight back by saying "I don't have harm OCD and this is just my stupid fantasy" then my OCD replies with "furthermore why are you having these thoughts about yourself being an assassin in an alternate universe? Are you some kind of fucking wackjob?" All of a sudden my dumb little epic anime fantasy that I've been having all my life that hasn't impacted my life or has made me done anything violent in my life becomes some serious self-analysis to see if I really don't have OCD and I've just been crazy all my life (To preface this - I can't hurt a fly. I've literally had times in high school where I would be pushed to the limit and would just be convinced that I was going to kick someones ass, and that never happened. I am genuinely terrified of real-life violence). Literally all I was doing was directing a self-indulgent gritty badass anime in my mind with epic fight scenes and cool displays of super-powers, just general geek stuff and NOW, It's absolutely out of the picture. I don't wanna picture myself fighting nobody anymore before my OCD tells me "oh youre THINKING ABOUT HURTING SOMEONE EVEN IF ITS JUST A SILLY ANIME FIGHT SCENE FANTASY??? YOU NEVER HAD OCD DIE IN A FIRE" and I would start losing my mind. If I animated anything about my life it would most definitely be a slice-of-life with the only epic fight scenes probably being me playing video games with friends ??? like I'm sorry but OCD has convinced me that literally every single aspect of me is that of a dangerous psychotic freakshow and I'm just done trying to fight it. If I have to become all Zen, Mindfulness, LiveLaughLove and World Peace and lose every single aspect of what I used to be just to not feel that horrifying guilt, shame, doubt and fear that I'm like.... The most disgusting human being ever - so be it.