Partner focused ROCD

@♡<3 Things on social media are very triggering to me like people saying “if he lies I’m leaving straight away” and it makes me panic so badly. I try and look at it as me being an understanding person and instead of leaving straight away I am willing to hear the reason he did it and if he is remorseful (which he was, it’s the only time I’ve seen him cry) I will forgive him. But if something is repeated that is when I’d leave. He lets me check his phone when I’m worried and everything and he is rarely ever defensive. I need to realise all these negative posts on social media are just people commenting negative stuff. There’s probably so many people that have dealt with a partner lying and forgiving them and it’s all good and they have changed and I need to realise that instead of focusing on all the negative stuff

@♡<3 I think also with my boundary at the time, my boyfriend was fine with it initially. He wouldn’t go out of his way to go and message/call/game a girl. It was just this incident it was a bit of a sticky situation and he was unsure what to do because this girl wasn’t just a random girl who he could easily block, it was a friend of his friend and this male friend of his would invite my boyfriend to call with him, and the girl would be there. So he was stuck knowing what to do and didn’t want to block her because it would make it awkward with his male friend and he was afraid to tell me.

@Rexumii Social media can be so negative for our ocd! Often, people post videos with captions about relationships to trigger a reaction for more comments and interaction on their accounts! And then people like us with ocd take their word as truth! I myself am learning that, my relationship is not comparable to anybody elses. I realise that both me and my partner are not perfect. We have flaws, and we make mistakes equally. Yet, we continue to grow and learn about eachother and from those mistakes we have had wonderful communication and learned hoe to deal with smaller or even bigger issues in the future! You have a very good mindset in the fact that if it is a one time thing and he is truly remorseful then you are willing to discuss things through, and its very brave and powerful to know that if its repeated then you have the strength to leave or atleast stand up for yourself 💕 every single relationship has struggles, arguments and boundary crossing because we can not read our partners minds. A teuly good relationship is when you can recognise uve made a mistake, and learn from it, as ur bf seems to have done. You seem to, from what ive heard, have a strong relationship with your partner and good boundaries for yourself. Our ocd may scare us, but it does not define our relationships or our beliefs and having partners that can support us through it and be understanding makes all the difference. Do not set a time phrame on your emotions on when you need to "be okay" about smth that happened- it will naturally come when the time is right or maybe it will always slightly be there- but its learning to disreguard those thoughts AS simply just thoughts, let them drift by

@♡<3 Thank you :)

@Rexumii A lot of problems between me and my partner similarly came from him being scared to talk to me because my boundaries seemed so strict. My ocd wanted me to be in control of everyy aspect of my life so that i didnt have to live with anymore discomfort than i already do. I came to a realisation that life is always changing and unexpected! This leads me back to my point of being comfortable in the fact that if my partner was truly trying to hurt me, he will find a way to do it no matter what boundaries i set! Its having self confidence and independance to realise you are okay alone, your mood does not have to depend on his actions and that you sre incomparable in both of your eyes to any other girl! The fact he cried and is so remorseful and willing to change shows how he loves you and your importance to him- im sure he is not willing to lose that or you. I have really improved my self confidence through journalling about my truest emotions and by going on solo dates once a month, despute being in a relationship, to prove i can be independant and spend good, happy, quality time with myself! I go to a coffee shop or a park and read ❤️

@♡<3 I prioritise my own self care before anything else, because you should always be your number one priority. You can not feel good in even the most healthy relationship if you do not feel good in yourself. Take care of your mind, listen to/watch uplifting content/music, eat the food you want! And realise if something is hurting you then it needs to come to light

@♡<3 Even my boyfriend told me something similar he said I should prioritise myself over him. I have very low confidence/self esteem and want to improve but I struggle with low motivation because of ADHD and I’m not sure where to start

@Rexumii My bf also has ADHD, he and I both struggle with low motivation. We have had many conversations about setting up a support system to motivate eachother. There are certain jobs that we need to get done where we will only do them on call together so that we can inspire eachother. Instead of viewing self care as a chore (like i used to) view it as the step to making your relationship shine and grow! You need to feel your best to be your best for your partner. My confidence improved the most through getting a job, and solo dates where i forced myself to talk to people, and to be comfortable in my own isolation. I realise how important it has been in being less anxiousky attatched to my partner! Exersizing has been a game changer for me, I used to hate it and yet in the past few months i have fallen in love with realising what my body can do for me and how strong it is! Realising the hapiness and energy rush i feel afterwards and then after exersizing i finally feel motivation to fuel my body and look after it properly💕 journalling is my most recommended first step- even in the times i coulsnt get out of bed, i kept my journal beside my bed, and would write for hours at a time sometimes, and by the end of it it felt like i could breathe again- i understood myself better and it helped me move forward in learning what i needed not just from my partner, but also from myself. I also LOVE routines, not time set (because they feel like youve failed is youve even slightly gone off schedule) but by setting a list of small, achievable goals everyday that are not too overwhelming to look at! And i reward myself for completing them 💕 Reward systems work really well for my motivation- I treat myself to my favourite snack, my favourite programme, a face mask, basically anything that is my happy time

@♡<3 I really want to get a job, I’m 18 soon so I’ll start looking then but it has been really hard for me because I don’t do well with interacting or speaking to people because of autism and anxiety. I also have a home gym which I could use but I just cannot get the motivation to go in lol even though I do nothing all day, I also have a journal but just wrote down everything my bf would tell me when I asked him questions about situations I was overthinking. What should I write in my journal that would actually help me and how should I set it out?

@Rexumii I have the app "finch" it lets you take care of this little baby bird, and it is all about self care! I recommend you check it out- on there i found some amazing journal prompts! Some examples being 'what is one trigger i want to work on- what stimulates it- what technique would i like to try in the future" or "what example do i have of recent self critical talk-who do i care about- what would i say to them if they were talking about themselves this way- how do my responses to my own insecurities/problems compare to my responses to others problems- how will i br kinder to myself in the future" I love all of the ways one question can suddenly spiral into so many other eye opening questions that really makes you realise how you treat yourself in comparison with others! I also had extremely bad social anxiety to the point i had to have a therapist teach me to leave the house- i pushed myself into my job so that i could realise that, talking to people can become so enlightening, there are genuinely kind hearted people out there who care abaout your day! I work at a local french cafe and the only reason this worked for me is because the customers are local, compassionate people and the staff feel like a family support system- find a place that is community driven, make sure your co workers are kind and supportive that feels more like a family business at a chain. WHERE you work makes all the difference. For me, i go to the gym and whats helped me is going at a very specific time on very specific days of the week and rewarding myself afterwards. I listten to uplifting music, i put on clothes that make me feel confident and it calms my anxiety so much- even yoga and stretching is so good for the mind and body- its insane how much calmer/happier you can feel after!

@♡<3 Thankyou for being so helpful, I will download the app you said and try it, I need to be kinder to myself I am always so harsh and put myself down a lot

@Rexumii Anytime! I understand exactly what you are going through and wish someone would have helped me 💕 and you are so right! you deserve self love and kindness- nobody should love you more than yourself. I hope you find this app helpful as i did and if you ever need anything just comment here and i will be more than happy to help :)

@♡<3 There was one more thing where you said “I felt this 100%” was it a similar situation with mine or anything? I don’t think I’ve seen many people on here who’s ocd is latching onto a partners past mistake like mine.

@Rexumii A very similar situation to yours- my ocd is surrounded with thought abt my partner bc he is the most prevalent person in my life. I too am turning 18 next year and he is my first relationship- its tricky navigating the ups and downs of young love, alongside ocd, school pressure, work at such a young age. We are both still learning especially with sm of our thoughts bring engraned in social media.

@♡<3 It is comforting to know i am not alone in this! There are always so many people who feel the same way as you even when you cant find them! When it seems impossible there is always someone who understands :) My ocd is 90% about past mistakes/problems in my relationship because it was such a major change for me- it was clearly the easiest thing for my ocd to cling on to and as we were 14 when we started dating we have obviously made many mistakes/things we regret throughout our relationship that my ocd has fed on for years. As ive gotten older i have realised how my ocd has significantly dramatised mistakes, zoomed in on both mine and my partners flaws and kept us in the past/not allowed us to move on or let go. I have gained closure from learning that the past can not be changed, nor can the future, the only thing I can control is the present- and so i do that by regular communication with him so we can understand one another better every single day

@♡<3 Does it get better like do you finally recognise that the partners mistake was probably just a mistake that they won’t repeat again and not a “sign” that they are a bad person and will keep doing it? I need to realise that all long term relationships where people are married will have had problems, even some similar to mine…and they are still together which shows they can work through things like lies and not just be like these triggering people on TikTok who are like “ if he lies about someone he’s cheating leave blah blah”

@Rexumii Definitely does! It may never fully dissapear because our ocd loves to convince us that everything we are scared of is true- but with AMAZING communication i have realised my partner truly cares about me- in some ways i appreciated that the mistake happened so early on in our relationship as it taught us how to talk, and how to handle problems in the future. His effort and willingness to change have shown me how deeply he cares for me and we are both still growing up and learning about life ourselves! as you and your partner are. all we can do is take it day by day and groe together. it is knly ever a 'sign' if the behaviour continues- if he is showing you regret, change and respect then that is a good sign he never intended to hurt you and that now he realises his actions did, he wants to do better. you are so right, every single longterm relationship has to go through struggle, no matter hoe big or small, to be healthy, because otherwise how would you learn about eachother? or be vulnerbale with eachother? or grow together. Conflict and disagreements are necessary in creating a mature bond aslong as they still stay respectful :)

@♡<3 and it has really helped to look back on my own flaws and mistakes in the relationship and see how he has forgiven me and to see how i myself have grown and changed- then apply that same mindset to him. i often in the past took my anger out on him when i did not realise it was my ocd. i have put so much effort into controlling this and yet he was with me, supporting me every step of the way. this has allowed me to be more compassionate with him (particularly with his ADHD) and realise that forgiveness and trust is SO important. however- trust does have to be earned back. aslong as he is earning it and putting in the effort then you two will have a ahealthy, longlasting relationship 💕

@♡<3 I think I also need to not listen to all of these people being negative and saying partners should be a “certain way” because I need to realise the majority of those people are not neurodivergent and don’t have the same struggles as me and my partner. My boyfriend will make mistakes because he is extremely forgetful and impulsive with adhd. I need to stop comparing my relationship to neurotypical relationships and focus on communicating what id like us both to improve with. Like sometimes it feels like he doesn’t compliment me a lot and id say it to him and my ocd latches to it saying its a bad sign and he’s getting bored but actually we are just comfortable probably lol, and he also said there hasn’t been much compliments because of my ocd asking him millions of questions is draining and he hasn’t had time to think of compliments because he’s constantly thinking of what my ocd will latch onto next

@Rexumii Honestly its crazy hoe similar our situations are! With us both being neurodivergent its so easy to compare to neurotypical relationships! But neurodivergent relationships can so often fall into a routine that works REALLy well for the couple yet may not be understanded by neurotypical people. No relationship is comparable even if it is neurtypical- everyonenhas there own boundaries, love languages and needs! Social media makes it so easy to compare but when u take a step back you realise im happy with what ee are doing and it makes me comfortable or i am not happy with how we are-only then do you need to make a change. Asling as you are happy by your standards of what you want from your relationship (and not others) that is all that matters :) I have to remember with my bfs ADHD that he can be forgetful about plans and so i place him gentle reminders- he knows my ocd can become a spiral of questions so we came up with our own cute communication system- it is different for everybody! However even if some of your boyfriends actions are due to ADHD do not be scared to bring them up if they upset you- our disorders cause struggle but they arent an exscuse and asling as it is brought up and communicated nicely then there is no problem with mentioning it- my bf definitely struggles with hoe many questions i ask/how long i can rant for! he often loses focus and it would upset me feeling like he didnt care. When i learned it was his ADHD, we decided that when i communicated something to him, he would (when i finished) recite what i said to him back to me, but in his own understanding of it. That way i feel heard and understood without him having to make eye contact that i usually like and if he misunderstood i can explain in a different way as our two disorders often clash and lead to many misunderstandings that could be solved by simply realises there was a misscomunication and alightly changing the way we explain things!

@♡<3 I sometimes stress my boyfriend out with how many questions I ask, he says I often just repeat the same question 100 times but in a different way and it stresses him out and makes him a little frustrated, where as I think I’m asking lots of different questions lol. It is complicated sometimes and I do sometimes think my questions get too much but it’s hard to resist keep asking him and I have a bad habit of asking questions while we are gaming together and he is honest and says it’s quite hard to enjoy the game while I’m constantly firing questions at him,which is something I need to get better with

@Rexumii That is my number one problem too! repeating things over and over, because i feel like my question wasnt aswered how id like it to be, or too enough detail, or i feel like he didnt explain it before. Implementing this idea that he repeats back to me what im telling him/asking him in his own way/understanding has made communication much easier/quicker. What they dont realise is we often get more frustrated with ourselves at hoe many times we have to repeat things/ask questions than they do at having to answer us. I often explain to my bf that i feel like im "trapped" by my ocd in those moments- i physically have to spill everything on my mind. again journalling or coming here on NOCD really works a charm as it lets you ask all these questions your itching to ask or get out all these emotions without feeling like your overcomplicating/thinking it to your partner!

@♡<3 Sorry if this is random but do you have instagram by any chance? I forget we are having this whole convo in a comment section lmaoooo and yes sometimes I’m like oops I think I asked that question and sometimes my boyfriend won’t answer it if he has already answered and he will say “what did I say when you asked this last time”

@Rexumii No honestly i just realised that 😭 my insta is maddie._june it should be public xx and fr then im like why wont you answer meee

@♡<3 I’ll go follow LMAO

@♡<3 Btw you might have to message me first I’m so scared of messaging first for no reason 😭

@♡<3 but what if my gf was struggling with addiction and told me that she will quit but relapsed a couple of times, but after some time she changed and grew and is the hest gf ever since. but now i feel like it crossed out the relationship for me :(