I have a really awful habit of logging into my exes Facebook as I still know his Facebook details. I’ve not been with this person for over a year and at first I did it because our break up was messy and I wanted to know what he was saying about me, then when we spoke again I wasn’t sure he wasn’t playing me and in a way it was good that I did because he was. I then kept checking it because I couldn’t get over him and I wanted to know what he was up to. I understand it is a total invasion of privacy and is such a bad thing to do but I can’t seem to help it. I’m now over him and happy in my new relationship but I still can’t stop looking out of curiosity as he still searches me and my family and mentions me to his current girlfriend. I got bored earlier and checked again and decided to search my name in his messages. The majority o had already seen but there was a few between him and his current girlfriend where he’s talking about an event from his childhood and how he’s never told anyone but her and me before and how I’d laughed when he told me. The event was between him and someone older than him doing something to him, which when he told me he made the age gap sound a lot smaller and almost as if it was mutual experimentation and he didn’t appear bothered by it but to his girlfriend he was making out as though he was traumatised by it and I was insensitive which I’m annoyed about because I actually was amused by his lack of care and seemed more worried about the event than he did! But that doesn’t matter, what matters is ocd has now latched onto this and made me feel awful as my ocd is pocd. I also feel super guilty for always looking at his messages despite my lovely boyfriend knowing I do and being upset that I do because most of the messages upset me with the nasty things he says about me and I keep promising that I’ll stop but don’t. I feel almost as if it’s a self destructive thing, like I have to look for the nasty things said about me and to see how much of a nicer boyfriend he is to his new girlfriend compared to me and the messages where he said he always loved her and effectively used me to try and get over her but never did so that’s why he got rid of me etc etc. Not because I need confirmation he doesn’t like me so I can get over him because I’m over him, like I said I’m happy in my new relationship and my boyfriend is lovely but almost like to put me down more, I’m very self critical and that and also I find it effects my new relationship as I don’t trust that anyone can love me and I know my boyfriend has had interest in other girls who didn’t have interest in him, like my ex, so I get sensitive that I’m being used again. My boyfriend’s amazing and always tries to reassure me but I can’t shake feeling like I’m not worthy of being truly loved by someone or that my only use is to be used for other things. It’s awful for my boyfriend and myself and I know it’s down to mental health reasons but yeah ?‍♀️ I also hear people say you can’t love someone else until you love yourself and people tell me I should end things and focus on fixing these problems but how can I learn to trust other people actually can love me for reals unless I give love a chance. I worked on myself for a year and I got to a point where I felt ready for a relationship as I felt happy again and realised my ex did me wrong and I didn’t deserve to feel the way I did over a guy and had respect for myself again. I still do but I guess being in a relationship again has opened my anxiety a bit to being hurt like I was. Dunno guess I’m aware of it which is good because I can explain it to my boyfriend so he can understand where I’m coming from and I can make myself aware of it during bad times so i can sort things to prevent problems but I need to work on stopping this habit not just for my boyfriend but for my own sanity and because it’s an invasion of privacy and wrong of me to do

scaredbunny

Date posted: 5y

Hey there. It looks to me that you’re still traumatized by that event. I’ve had something similar, for years I kept getting this nightmare of my ex cheating on me and breaking up with me brutally like the worst thing come true. Now when I’m happily married to another guy I still get this dream sometimes, even with my husband playing the role of that jerk. The thing is, and maybe you will relate, the lingering fear of abandonment. But this fear is actually blocking the reality, and in reality you’re with a much better person now, who won’t lie to you. So you need to stick to reality, because being in harmony with a loving partner will heal this fear and will prove to you that you are safe. But for that you need to take a leap of faith and consciously stop doing your compulsions and focus on reality.

bebesrecovery

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much! That makes so much sense and it’s so relieving to hear, sorry to hear you’ve experienced similar though! Glad to hear you are with a much more trustworthy and loving partner and are happier! My therapist and I identified in my last two sessions that I have a fear of abandonment which effects many of my relationships with family, friends and partners and are going to start looking into the origin of this fear. I think it’s from this experience and childhood experiences with my real dad never being there for me as-well as grandparents and some other family members. I feel almost guilty because I’ve got family members and people that I know love me so I don’t get why those that don’t and don’t bother with me, effect me but suppose the mind is funny like that ?‍♀️ Thank you for your advice xx

scaredbunny

Date posted: 5y

You’re welcome! I’m glad to hear you discuss all that with your therapist. Abandonment issues are a major bad guy, but they can be beaten with love and compassion. It’s like accepting that you CAN be loved, that some people will WANT to stick with you no matter what, and (which is the most important thing) that you’re never truly alone because you’ve got yourself. That last is a tricky thing but it can be grown with patience and compassion towards yourself, it’s called reparenting— when you’re giving yourself all that stuff that your parents hadn’t

bebesrecovery

Date posted: 5y

I get this is probably not ocd related but I’m not sure, suppose the obsession is needing to know what’s said about me and the behaviour is checking the Facebook and I need to break the rituals by accepting that things will be said about me and I don’t need to know let alone care anymore. I feel I also need to confess to my current boyfriend every time I look and what I see etc so I don’t feel as though I’m cheating or have secret feelings for my ex which I know I don’t but I feel so guilty about looking because I know I shouldn’t that I feel these feelings. So I guess another thing to do is not to confess and seek reassurance and again just stop checking. Suppose this post is kinda seeking reassurance too but I need to stop and just do the advice I just gave myself hahaha dunno ocd and anxiety just sucks sometimes

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