Even when it’s ugly…

(Long post of celebration!) When I first began therapy at the end of 2023, the darkness was so thick and heavy that hope and brighter days felt like a sham, a lie. I couldn’t understand how the darkness got so dark. I went from occasionally wrestling with compulsions that I thought were personality quirks to full-blown intrusive thought spirals that I couldn’t free myself from. I was undiagnosed and fighting for my life not realizing that one OCD theme morphed into another then another to the point where I was a walking fear bomb on edge about every thing and person that crossed my path. The hormonal shifts of pregnancy and giving birth only made things worse. Postpartum depression + undiagnosed OCD. Whew! I was supposed to be happy in the sunshine after we had our miracle baby, but darkness. Feeling low only made me feel worse. Intrusive thoughts made me feel undeserving of my Faith, marriage, family, home, and career. After fake-smiling my way through Thanksgiving, I decided I had to do something. Finally, after taking note of my symptoms and wondering if I had OCD, I made the call to NOCD with tears in my eyes saying that I need help. “I think I have OCD, and I can’t live like this anymore.” Treatment began. It was painful to speak the unspeakable thoughts and fears. I remember my therapist saying that while it doesn’t feel surmountable, ERP will help. She said things would get better if I trusted the process and committed. That felt like a lie back in Dec. 2023…I’m so glad feelings aren’t facts! My NOCD therapist was right. Her specialized treatment + finally being braced enough to attend support groups changed everything. I committed to the process, and the darkness lifted in small spurts. Sunlight broke through my perspective little by little, moment by moment, day by day dismantling one compulsion, obsession, and fear at a time. The healing hasn’t been sudden or easy. In fact, it hurts at times because confronting fear sucks! But, it’s so worth it. Thank You, God, for making NOCD part of my healing journey. Even when it’s ugly, my OCD survivors, trust the process.