Suspicious of everything

@Anonymous We’re so similar actually it’s almost frightening 😂

@Anonymous You don’t know how comforting it is to find someone with a similar theme and thoughts. This is by far the worst thing I have ever been through man. The fear of psychosis/schizophrenia theme has brought me to my knees. I almost can’t even function, I can’t enjoy anything in my life. 90% of my thought content has become these “delusional” thoughts. I’m have a mix of being afraid the thoughts are true and the fear that I’m actually having them in the first place or going to fully believe them in general. According to my mind everything has to have some sort of malicious intent or everything has to have some sort of deep hidden meaning…. It’s exhausting man

@Anonymous @Anonymous All of these thoughts started off as big “what ifs” but now they just straight up feel true. These thoughts feel like my main stream of thoughts, they don’t even feel like ocd anymore. It feels like my real mind genuinely being suspicious, it feels logical even though it’s not, if that makes sense

@mrselfdestruct1994 We’ll ask yourself this, why do you find relief in a similar story? It’s because you know that you truly don’t believe it. You know they cause you significant distress. This is because ocd is ego dystonic. It’s something you can’t believe yourself believing so of course ocd attaches itself to it. Add that to the physical symptoms of anxiety and you have a perfect breeding ground for a fear of psychosis

@mrselfdestruct1994 You will become shocked at knowing that it truly is the thought itself that cements the anxiety within. You have pathologically trained your brain to respond that way. I’m willing to bet 20$ with you right now you’re immediately thinking upon reading this “what if he’s just lying to have me believe everything is ok” The reason that comes up is because you’ve associated that with becoming schizophrenic/psychotic due to paranoia being a common symptom of it. However, and this is not solely for reassurance but education, that ocd EASILY causes paranoia. You know how many people here including me once feared they were p*dos cause of the thoughts? The fear and dread there is paranoia. It’s just with existential ocd, I find that we make this other league of worry for the paranoia of these thoughts that so convincingly makes it “feel” with a capital F that we’re going insane. But let me tell you, we don’t know the FIRST THING about the difference between thought and what we really believe. Everyone with OCD is locked in that struggle.

@mrselfdestruct1994 Also, get this, why would you be posting constantly to people here looking for answers you can trust and find reassurance from if you genuinely, unequivocally, 100% without a shadow of a doubt “believe” these thoughts or “felt” they were true? It’s because you know the real anguish. And it’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy my dear friend in crisis.

@Anonymous That makes total sense. It’s just so hard to rationalize with myself. I’ve been in this theme for about 10 months now, going on a year. I’ve been like this almost 24/7, I say 24/7 because I’m even having dream about these thoughts

@mrselfdestruct1994 Oh buddy…….buddy 😂 if I had a dollar for every time someone with ocd had the dreaded “thought dream”, I would be in the Forbes top 100

@Anonymous Well my ocd has come up with an answer for that and it’s this: maybe I just knew all the signs of schizophrenia and studied it so much before I “developed schizophrenia” (my brain has convinced me I have it) and I know that thoughts like these are associated with delusions but maybe I still believe them and they only scare me cus I know they are associated with psychosis

@mrselfdestruct1994 And the reason it’s become 24/7 is because you have supercharged the fear. You need to stop doing that ASAP in order to start feeling better. And I mean ASAP. You are adding fuel to the fire, and the trick is that it makes you believe there is no fire in the first place. It makes you believe that continuously thinking about it is just a what your rational mind would do. But that’s not true, cause you still fight the thoughts and have that internal struggle. I met with a therapist here, and she told me unequivocally that the internal struggle is what makes it OCD.

@Anonymous I think like this, most people with schizophrenia weren’t obsessing over it before they developed it and therefore they don’t know the symptoms or know about delusional thoughts and maybe that’s why there so unaware. But with me I’ve known about the symptoms and stuff for years, and maybe I’m just painfully aware of being psychotic or something ):

@mrselfdestruct1994 Oh brother I had the same thought. Name it and I’ve had it. I actually obsessively watched your posts when I first started dealing with it cause it was so similar to mine. And I assure you, I am real and I didn’t believe I would see the light at the end of that tunnel. I’m not 100% there, but I have found where the light could be and am dashing STRAIGHT there :)

@Anonymous And probably the worst of these thoughts is…. “Maybe schizophrenic people aren’t crazy and they just know the truth, or maybe the government actually is making them go crazy or whatever it is” and another absolutely horrifying thought is “maybe there’s nothing wrong with me and all these thoughts are genuinely real” I can’t even express how mind bendingly terrifying these thoughts are. I am terrified of fully believing these thoughts

@mrselfdestruct1994 Nope, being aware and being afraid of it is proof of ocd because think about it. If someone with germ based ocd is always feeling “aware” of the germs around them, it’s what drives the terrifying feelings right? Why can’t we apply that same principle here? It’s the SAME THING! You are so painfully aware and hyper-vigilant of your body and mind right now because of this worry. You are constantly checking and checking and checking. This is the cruelest trick of existential ocd. It makes you feel those physical symptoms and makes you so painfully aware of everything that it starts to feel real. When really it’s just a cruel facade.

@mrselfdestruct1994 Yup, had that one too. Thought they were the “awakened” ones that knew the hidden truth about how horrible band meaningless existence is :) Name it and I’ve had it :)

@mrselfdestruct1994 I have had every single thought you have stated to me this far to the TEE

@mrselfdestruct1994 I’m not saying this for reassurance, I’m saying this because this is exposing you to your thought process. I’m willing to bet another 20$ the thoughts seem less scary in this very moment of conversation right ?

@Anonymous Alright last one I promise. But recently I read this post from an actual schizophrenic person and they said something like “I’m not crazy, it’s the government messing with me and creating these signs and coincidences in order to make me feel crazy” and oh my god….. ever since then, every time there’s a coincidence or some situation I don’t remember or a mild problem in my life I now get the thought “what if someone is doing this on purpose to me” or “what if this REALLY is the government trying to make me go crazy” oh my god this might be the worst of the intrusive thoughts, I wish I would have never read that post

@Anonymous Absolutely. Every time I talk to my therapist or meet someone with similar thoughts, the fear is almost non existent anymore

@mrselfdestruct1994 You notice how that thought isn’t dissimilar to something you mentioned previously. It’s what you described in the original post above. It’s a new development of the thoughts because just like a growing child, you are feeding the cycle. It’s the same thing. One of the most interesting things about ocd is how our older thoughts, let’s say that you aren’t trusting people saying stuff to you (not saying that to mean you’re doing that right now, just that it’s actually the same thought rehashed :) ), can rehash themselves and terraform to where they seem like new thoughts but really it’s just the difference between French vanilla and German Vanilla (don’t know if that’s an actual flavor but 😂)

@mrselfdestruct1994 You say that “it’s gotta be the government!”. How’s that different from, “They’re lying to me!” ? I’ll tell you how it’s different. You created a THEY TO WORRY ABOUT 😂 You’ve now added a story/rationalization to it because that’s what your brain is designed to do. Just not all rationalizations are genuinely sound and valid, but your brain in this state can’t recognize the difference because it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO preoccupied with the fear. Let me ask you this, do you feel like you don’t even know what it is you believe anymore? Cause there’s your proof of what I’ve been saying :)

@Anonymous Oh my gosh man. OCD is VICIOUS. Another way it likes to me in the loop is when I’m feeling better slightly, I ask myself these questions again like “alright, now that I’m feeling better, do I really believe this crap?” And I STILL can’t give myself a firm “no, I don’t believe this stuff, these thoughts are crazy”…. Ugh man, it’s so crazy how everyday life has now become a trigger. Like I mentioned in the original post, I can’t even watch science documentaries or politics anymore because i feel like I don’t believe it anymore and I just ask myself “why, why why? Why don’t I feel like I believe this?” “There’s so much evidence here, what’s wrong with me? Why do I have to be so suspicious? Why can’t I just take reality at face value and believe it”

@mrselfdestruct1994 Just to mention, before all this started I was such a grounded person, I was all about science and biology. I was a very evidence oriented, non superstitious person. I would constantly debate people about the existence of ghosts and debunk conspiracy theorists. And debate people about the existence of god and stuff. This is a COMPLETE 180 from who I used to be

@mrselfdestruct1994 Yup, that’s exactly what made me scared at first too. I didn’t believe in a god but i believed in a demon trapping me in an alternate reality. The reason as to why we feel these things is because it’s such a scary possibility that our brain can’t help but look to assuage that anxiety as quickly and efficiently as it possibly can. That’s why the cycle perpetuates that long man. It STARVES for your attention

@mrselfdestruct1994 The answer is you don’t have to be suspicious, the only thing that’s setting you up here is your mind and you KNOW IT! You know it cause I can tell you and I had the same exact process somehow and the way I got through it is by literally letting the GUT WRENCHING, AWFUL anxiety sit there. It still is there but let me tell you it’s potency has dropped

@Anonymous Did you go through ocd therapy to get over it? And what are you diagnosed with if you don’t mind me asking

@mrselfdestruct1994 I’m in therapy right now with a therapist named Jessica Sowle. She works here at NOCD and she’s been amazing. Also, I started applying this before we even started therapy and am now gonna start erp next week :)

@mrselfdestruct1994 She diagnosed me with ocd and so did several others

@Anonymous Awesome. I really hope talking to me didn’t make you relapse or anything. Talking to you helped me feel a lot better, even if it’s just for an hour or two lol

@mrselfdestruct1994 Actually, you just helped me with exposure therapy cause you exposed me to the thoughts as well :) So you actually helped me out :)

@Anonymous So when you say to just sit with the anxiety, what goes on in your mind when you are doing that? Are you still doing the rpm’s (like maybe, maybe not. Maybe I do believe this maybe I don’t etc) or are you truly doing nothing

@mrselfdestruct1994 Sorry for the late response. Yes, you feel that cycle come on and you just have the thought play out. You have to resist the urge to ruminate and think it over. Engage yourself in an activity not because it makes it easier, but because it is physically grueling. You need a distraction in that time. I wish they explained that the reason distractions are good is because you have something to focus on while the pain is soaring through you