Feel Like I Am Failing Myself

I honestly felt terrible this morning. My OCD has been getting really loud over the last few days and I had a massive relapse this morning :( I was stressing out and worrying that I might have done something harmful or terrible to someone I love and the thoughts kept looping around in my mind. I was struggling with this since Saturday night and I had a chat with my mum about it this afternoon and I felt really worried and emotional. I had to ask her for reassurance even though I explained to her that reassurance is not good for me. She was really hesitant at first to give me the answer, but I carried on asking until I got it and she finally gave me the answer and I did feel relief after it. I know this is a win for the vicious cycle of OCD:( I was doing so well on my journey to recovery so I feel like I have let myself down big time. I was 3 months without any compulsions or reassurance seeking. I know OCD relapses can happen. I would love to hear any advice or words of encouragement that anyone may have😊

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

First of all, you aren’t a failure. OCD is hard. You can feel on top of it, then feel like it yanks the rug out from underneath you. I was doing really well, then had a relapse myself a few months ago. A new theme I wasn’t expecting came out of nowhere and hit me really hard-I didn’t even want to tell my therapist, but ultimately did. So know that you aren’t alone-relapses suck, but it doesn’t mean you failed. It just means having a mental disorder is tricky. Here are some wins I noticed from your post: You recognized this is a relapse. You recognized the reassurance was a temporary relief. You’re posting here for support. Here’s my advice: Take a deep breath. Remember that you have tools, and you know how to work through this. You have your conqueror badge-that proves you can work through your OCD. Give yourself grace, and do some self care. This is hard work. But beating yourself up won’t lessen the relapse-it makes it more stressful. My therapist told me to look at how you bounce back from a relapse-and I ended up bouncing back faster than I would have prior to starting ERP. Because the tools are there. I know you’ll bounce back too. I’m sorry you’re struggling, and I hope it lessens soon. Just keep faith in yourself and your strength.

AaronB1111

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@ElleV Elle, your words and advice mean the world to me. Thank you so much for your kindness and guidance ❤️🙏🏽 Everything you said really resonates with me, especially about how OCD can sneak back up on us even when we feel on top of things. After feeling stressed and like a failure this afternoon, I took some time to write in my journal today. Expressing my feelings and showing myself some compassion really made a difference. I reminded myself that I have come so far on my recovery journey, that it is okay to feel these things as we are human, that this is how OCD operates! I'm also learning to trust myself more and stand firm in what I believe. I know how OCD is a master manipulator and it loves to target us on our fears and things we love. But I'm recognising its lies and reclaiming control over my own life. We won’t let OCD win! Thank you again, Elle. Your support means everything to me ❤️🙏🏽

Anonymous

Date posted: 50w

Do you get disappointed when you give in to your OCD thoughts? I do.

AaronB1111

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 50w

@Anonymous Yeah I totally get this! I asked for reassurance from my mum today for the first time in a year! And I felt so weak and disappointed in myself! I wrote down some questions and asked her to answer them on paper, and I read them once and just chucked them in a random cupboard in my house! The only thing I can say I am proud of is that I only asked the questions one time and accepted all the answers given. If this was the ‘old me’, these answers would NOT have been enough in the slightest. I would have kept on asking and asking and asking for more reassurance. At the end of the day. We are just humans! Our emotions can feel very overwhelming sometimes and if we fall into the trap that OCD sets, it is not the end of the world. The important thing is to recognise that OCD is trying to trap us in the cycle again, and figure out how to move forward! So for me, as I have been experiencing some huge positive changes in my life (new job, consistent gym routine, beginning driving lessons), I feel like my OCD has flared up due to all the changes in my life. Do I feel disappointed in myself? Yes! Because I have been showing OCD that I am not scared of it! But I have decided to jump back into therapy and continue to challenged my OCD because I will never be back at square one! No matter what you think, you will never be back at square one! Look at all the progress you have made, and continue to work towards living the best life you can! ❤️

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Relapse

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, have suffered with ocd since 16. Had a mental break down over a year ago. Here I am feeling like I am relapsing and the thoughts are out of control, and even worse now that I feel guilty I am causing my baby stress when it's not his fault.

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 19w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

nae nae

Date posted: 15w

Thought I'd been doing better

I am (or was)! Yesterday, I started to get really anxious for unknown reasons, and then (just my luck) I got triggered by something online 😭 It's always so... humbling. I'm trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts at this moment, but I'm just feeling really icky and a bit down. With OCD, it's bound to happen at some point, I guess. Even without OCD, you're going to have good and bad days. It's just how life is 🥲 I'm just afraid of being slingshot back to how I felt a few months ago, which I know realistically WON'T happen, but my brain doesn't want me to think logically lol. I'm also afraid that the repetitive nature of OCD intrusive thoughts will somehow alter who I am as a person, making my fears a reality? It's weird. Classic OCD, but it still makes me anxious! I have been doing better not engaging with these thoughts, but occasionally, I'll accidentally argue back. It doesn't help because then my brain says, "You're just in denial, and you're actually a bad person!" And whenever I say anything in opposition of something against my morals, it feels performative or fake for some reason 🫠 I'm just venting at this point, I'm sorry! Anyway, if anyone reads this, I hope you're doing okay, and if not, I hope things look up soon. Take care of yourselves, stay hydrated, and rest well!

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Feel Like I Am Failing Myself

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