Been having a tough time with OCD beating me from all sides and feeling like I’ve taken steps forward and triple the amount of steps backwards lately. But just had a silver lining. I have a mixed relationship with this app. Sometimes I find it so reassuring to see that there are other people like me and other times seeing posts similar to my OCD can trigger new intrusive thoughts, obsessions, rituals etc. Lately I’ve found that whilst struggling, I’ve taken comfort in confessing or getting my intrusive thoughts out through posts on the app. I know we’re not supposed to do this as confessions and seeking reassurance continues the OCD cycle but hey ho ?‍♀️ Anyway, I’ve been on the app for a few hours today just looking at posts and found myself commenting a lot with advice or tips or sharing experiences with people. So much so, I’d not messaged my boyfriend for a while, which I never do as I find him such a distraction from my ocd and thoughts, he just messaged to say he was still awake and I said I was too. I then found myself telling him how I’d spent so much time in here (he knows I have ocd and he knows about this app but doesn’t know the nature of my ocd etc as I choose to keep that to myself). And as I was doing this I realised that for years I struggled so much with OCD because I went through it alone. I felt like a weirdo, crazy to have such awful thoughts and if I was having such awful thoughts then I must be what they’re making me out to be! This was furthered by family reactions to my OCD. It’s not until recently that I’ve seeked and am undergoing therapy that I’ve gained knowledge and understanding of what it is, how it makes me feel etc. And finding this app and seeing that other people go through the same or similar has helped me gain a self acceptance of the fact that I have OCD, I have irrational thoughts pop into my head which I can’t control. Sometimes I may feel I’m controlling them as I’m thinking about them or trying not to think about them and they happen anyway but in essence I have an illness of uncontrollable thoughts that everybody has. It’s just that having this illness causes me to ruminate with these thoughts rather than letting them slip through like “normal” people do. This ruminating makes me feel awful and believe that I am what the thoughts make me out to be and in reaction to this I feel fear. To squash or reduce this fear I do actions, think thoughts, seek reassurance, confess to the thoughts etc to get initial relief from my anxiety. By doing this I’m not facing the fear I’m furthering it and continuing my OCD cycle. I’ve learnt that in order to break this cycle I need to start sitting with the thoughts and deal with and let the anxiety slip away naturally and not do compulsions to get rid of it. Because in turn this will make me realise that nothing bad happens from these thoughts and I’m not the thoughts. Sometimes I can do this, sometimes I struggle to. It will probably be like that for the rest of my life with varying degrees depending on how strong I am at the time or how well my mental state is. There may be times I can come on here and give out loads of advice and help and that makes me feel great and strong and in control. There may be other times I come in here and I’m rambling my thoughts and fears and feel guilty and disgusted and sick and my heart’s racing and worried that people will react negatively. There may be times I come in here and instantly have to close the app because I see a post of POCD and I get scared it’ll trigger mine. It’s the perks of an irrational disorder, I can be up and down. People won’t always understand and that’s not their fault. As I mentioned, my family had very negative reactions to my ocd which made things worse but I don’t blame them. We’re not educated enough on this disorder so someone newly experiencing this, will probably be terrified that they’re losing their mind or that they’re this horrible person because ocd is so widely publicised as being a perfectionist with colour coded notes, organised storage systems etc. When in actual fact it is a tormenting disorder that physically and mentally drains us. I have given up my education 3 times over because of this illness. I have spent so much money on this illness on cleaning products, new clothes due to having to throw items out that I can’t bare to wear due to contamination obsessions and rituals. I’ve had family members fall out over me because of lack of understanding and my irrational behaviour during very bad periods of OCD. OCD has affected my life so much, it’s taken a significant chunk of my years away from me which I will never get back. It’s caused me to cut my skin, nip my skin, hit my body, pull my hair, cry myself to sleep, forgive and deal with shitty people in my life through fear of losing people incase one day ocd becomes to much for another person in my life that they leave and then I’m left with nobody. I won’t always feel as strong as I do in this moment, or feel as in control as I do now. I will spend days sat on my bed terrified to get dressed because of contamination. I’ll spend other days getting dressed straight away with the first pair of clothes I pick. Of course I wish there was some magical treatment to take it all away and take me back to my 15 year old self with no worries except my friendship group and GCSEs and to continue growing up without all these thoughts and fears but unfortunately my mind has this illness and all I can do is deal with it, seek support, look after myself and take each day at a time.