- Date posted
- 1y
Does Anyone Have Any Experience With This Type Of Theme?
Hey guys. I'm currently in therapy for my OCD and we've began the process of having a more manageable life. The theme I struggle with the most right now is POCD, and its been this way for a good while now. The problem is I have one session every Wednesday, and this event I want to talk about, has happened today (Saturday) meaning I can't talk about with my therapist for another 4 days, which for me right now is going to feel forever. We're currently working on trying to stop myself from confessing and seeking reassurance, which I know is exactly what I'm doing with this post, and I know I shouldn’t but I'm really struggling right now and need something to tide me over until Wednesday. Essentially, right now I have a lot of fears around Pornography and watching inappropriate pornography, whether that be featuring people who are underaged, or other types of Pornography such as animated/cartoon. As a result of these fears, I had stopped watching Pornography as there was no way for me to enjoy consuming regular, normal and safe pornography anymore without me worrying about something inappropriate coming up, OR me having really intense intrusive thoughts to purposely search for inappropriate content and consume it, and with those thoughts I could really see myself in my mind searching for inappropriate, disgusting and weird pornography and so my mindset was if I don't watch pornography AT ALL, I can't possibly have thoughts to search for something inappropriate can I? Anyway, as a result of that, when it comes to indulging in self pleasure and things like that, it has become really difficult, in order to feel pleasure and climax I need to have some sort of additional stimulation (probably because I have ADHD), I wish I could sit there and fantasise with my mind but I can't come up with anything or focus on something for too long without being distracted, so I use audio or visual stimulation, like erotic audio or porn. Obviously I can't do that anymore so it's very hard to enjoy self pleasure etc. So, I thought if I bought a toy instead it would allow me to feel that additional stimulation and pleasure something like audio or visual pornography adds, and while it feels nice, I just find myself not aroused enough because there's nothing "sexual" going on, there's no sounds I can hear, no Visuals, I'm just using a toy on myself and it doesn't feel nice. Anyway, this is where the event comes in from today. I was at home and I was interested to try and use the toy again to see if I could actually feel aroused and enjoy self pleasure, because if I can it means I can just do this for pleasure and I don't have to worry about Pornography ever again. I was walking up the stairs and heading to my room when I heard both of my parents mention they were going out (meaning I would be home alone). I then had what to me is a really sinister thought of "Now my parents are gone I can watch Pornography WHILE using this toy and it'll feel great'. I then counteracted that thought with "I can use the toy but I can't watch or search Pornography" because of the reasons I listed earlier. Then, I was plagued with various intrusive thoughts to search for inappropriate pornography, as well as animated pornography featuring characters from video games that would be deemed attractive. This last part is based on a previous fear I had once. One time, I went to search for animated pornography of an adult character from a video game I found attractive and when I did, 9/10 of the search results I found were what I wanted, the other 1/10 was pornography featuring a character from the same franchise that SHOULD not be depicted in that manner because they're not an adult. Ever since then, I've steered away from searching for animated pornography because even if I intended to search for an adult, the fact it could come up with something different scares me, and I would be enabling that content if I allowed it to even appear on my screen. Anyway, there's thus character in a game that recently released that everyone online is head over heels for, particularly on social media spaces like twitter. As a result of that, my brain has now latched onto that and I am plagued with intrusive thoughts to search for that character in a pornographic manner. Now, if I was to do that, it would be okay because the character is over the age of 18, but to me I don't want to, because I know what else CAN pop up. I also am troubled by the thought that if I did search for content of that character, it would come up, which makes it even more difficult. Anyway, once my parents left the house I had thoughts to not only use the toy, but to search for that character, followed by intense urges and thoughts to do that, that felt like I really wanted to do that. I then felt sweaty and a wave of anxiety hit me and at that point I felt like I was doing something secretive, the act of a closested creep and pedophile. As a result of that, I just tried to use the toy and to no avail I wasn't pleasured, and at that point I wasn't even aroused or particularly in the mood (probably because of prior thoughts). This is where the event worsens for me because I then searched on Google for ways to use that toy properly because maybe there was something I was doing wrong which is why it didn't feel great. I then found a post on Quroa that was basically titled the same as what I wanted to know, e.g. "How to you this toy properly because it doesn't feel great" I then saw a reply to the post from a guy who's profile picture was an old man in lingerie, which I guess is fine, but then I noticed his reply to the original poster which was "since you're 14 years old, I wouldn’t use toys but I'd maybe try using a finger until you're a bit older and you never know what you might discover" I felt gross and disgusted reading this reply because I know its okay to sexually educate younger people, I get it, but it just doesn't sit right with me telling a 14 year old to use their finger, especially coming from an old man, but maybe that's just me. The problem with this, I then had thoughts I was turned on and aroused by this comment I read, where groinal responses soon followed and I felt even more perverted and gross. I then closed the page down and tried to look for other alternatives. I wondered if there was some sort of way to view and listen to strictly audio pornography, that's from a site that's DEFINITELY not going to come up with anything weird, or even video sites that wouldn't either. I basically typed in better alternatives to Porn, but it just came up with like "weight lifting" etc. My intention wasn't for better alternatives to pornography, it was for better alternatives to regular porn so that was my poor wording in the search. I then changed my search to ethical types of Pornography, hoping someone would mention a site where everything is checked, monitored and there were a few listed. After I found the names of some, I did an additional Google search to basically check they're legitimate and it came up with "similar results" and one of them was an article stating "IF YOU SEE WARNING DO NOT CLICK ! do not engage as engaging with any type of child pornography is illegal" and that threw me off and scared me so I closed all of my tabs. I then went onto one of those ethical sites, it was called Bellesa. The video I found on there was very normal and passionate and I was able to focus on that video and I felt genuinely pleasured, but then also guilty because I felt like I had done something wrong and sinister and pedophilic, hence the confession on here. I am worried that I have done something wrong. That I am a closeted pedophile. I'm looking at my family and my friends and all I can think is how ashamed and disgusted they would be of me if they knew I was a pedophile. That's not me saying I'm a pedophile by the way I'm just phrasing what my mind says to me. I look at everyone around me and I feel like why I can't I be normal like them. It doesn't help either I just saw an article that a pornography star was found to be in possession of CP and arrested for it. I also saw that Dr Disrespect a youtuber was outed for being a pedophile too. I guess when I see stuff like that it reiterates to me that pedophiles are real and I could be one. I am also going to show this to my therapist on Wednesday and go from there. Any words or advice would be appreciated. I'm feeling down today.