I’m really struggling today

I have real event ocd as well as moral ocd and a fear of having NPD. from ages 12-18 I used to cut myself in hopes that people would ask me if I was okay if I was feeling like stressed out or something. When I was in a relationship I would cut myself whenever he would upset me so he could see how much he was hurting me. I know that this is fucked up but I would also do this to my roomates to see if they would ask me if I was okay or see how badly I was hurting during this abusive relationship. I worry I am a bad person or have NPD because of this since it is really just so embarrassing and also like such an attention seeking and shitty behavior. i also am worried about this because i have this guy friend who i hang out with to go to the gym and h mart with and thats really the only reason im friends with him is because he can help me with the gym since he is a pro weightlifter and also because he loves h mart as much as i do now im worried im using him. Also I felt jealous of a different friend yesterday because she got to save a blue jay and i wanted to do it because that is such a cool story to tell and also i was jealous of how good of a person she is and how she got to prove that and i didnt i know that sounds crazy and in the end i went over and helped her but I kind to wanted to save it and i feel so bad for feeling this way.