I keep worrying about my emotional reactions

I keep thinking back on my past and worry if I ever actually had empathy or ever really cared about the things I care for, or when I think of bad things that happen, I try to think of my emotional reactions to them, and most of the time I can’t feel anything to them and when I think of a past memory of my reactions to them, I can’t tell if I was genuine about it. It’s pissing me off and confusing me, why do I have to be like this, why can’t I just be normal or just never worry about anything? It’s changing my perception of myself and who I am morally, I think back to all the bad things I’ve done as a kid and of recently and I fear that I haven’t changed or progressed forward as a person, I want my morals to be genuine and to feel like a genuine person. I’ve been told that I’m a good person by my sister, but I just can’t live by that somehow, it’s like I need to find evidence of it by using my memories of my past actions and thoughts just to prove to myself that I am good, and like it’s so confusing, it’s like I’m trapped in hell, scared that I won’t be the best person that I strive to be like, and when I say that, it makes me question if I actually want to be good or if I just want to be good to go by societies norms of what being “good” is, and like idk, it’s just so annoying and it scares me so much, it has made me scream and cry so much to get this feeling out of my body. I hate it.

Misstama65

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

this happens to me sometimes....just today actually it was creeping in. I guess I tell myself that if the thought is so upsetting that I am not a good person then I really truly want to be one. Right? Also.....I am a human so I am good and bad. We are all a mixture I think. I have a sign above my front door that says "just do your best" OCD makes everything so confusing at times. Just do your best.

Infectedpick...

Date posted: 1y

@Misstama65 Thank you. I will try to keep that in mind, and I’m sorry for what you deal with aswell.

Misstama65

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@Bug🐛 - thank you. I do know that this has gone away for years at a time. I try to remember that.....remember when these thoughts did not bother me at all and I was able to focus and think about my ordinary daily stuff. It will get better. I'm doing the ERP stuff also

elliss2

Date posted: 1y

@Misstama65 „Just do your best“ sounds good🙏

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

Comment deleted by user

Infectedpick...

Date posted: 1y

@emilyxo17 Thank you for your advice I appreciate it so much 💖

bokang

Date posted: 17w

I don't want to be a sociopath

Around 10 years ago when I started getting violent OCD intrusive thoughts, I also started fearing that I was a sociopath. I began overanalyzing everything — especially my emotions. It's like if I could prove I had emotions it proved I wasn't a sociopath. I care deeply about my family — I worry about them, I want them to be safe and happy, I want them to get theit deepest desires — but I don’t know what love "feels" like, if its supposed to feel like anything. People describe love as this warm, obvious, fuzzy emotion, but I don’t experience it the way I think I’m supposed to. Is it supposed to be intense? Constant? Loud? Because I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that. My family isn’t very emotionally expressive either. I cherish hugs from them when I get them, I initiate most hugs with my parents (but I don't like hugs from other people, like co workers) but overall my family doesnt show affection much, and that’s made me question if I’m even capable of love. I overanalyze my feelings constantly — especially after realizing I don’t feel connected to God in the way my old church said I should. I don’t love God. I don’t feel anything toward Him — we’ve never met obviously so I just never got a connection with Him. But growing up, that felt like a sin in itself. As a teen, I felt ashamed knowing I cared more for my parents than for God, especially when church messages said God had to come first. There’s a song by Mary Mary that says, “I love you more than my mother, my father…” and it used to make me feel broken. My feelings were in direct contradiction with what I was taught, and that shame never fully left me. OCD latched onto that hard. It’s only after a coworker passed away — and I found myself crying multiple times over it — that I realized I do care deeply for people. But even that realization felt pathetic. Why did I need such an extreme moment to feel something “real”? & why didn't I care for another creepy bigoted co worker when his son was sick? I felt nothing. I’m scared my OCD is convincing me that I’m heartless, even though I want connection. I crave love. I like hugs. It’s exhausting and terrifying to doubt my own humanity like this. I hate this fear. I hate that I don’t trust myself. I hate that OCD makes me question my morality, my emotions — everything that makes me me. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How do I even explain this to a therapist

Mitu_001

Date posted: 16w

Tw I am so scared

I am so scared of everything .Of my thoughts.If I am a good person.Years ago I didnt help a kid who was in danger.Since then I started to have terrible thoughts :( i am so terrified.I still have these thoughts and I am scared it means something about me .I really dont want to hurt anyone and I want to help that kid now but idk how I can now.Also I am scared I betray everyone.I still have terrible thoughts and when I am with someone I care is worse...idk why.For example I started to talk with a collegue and he is really nice to me.I told him some things abt me( not the intrusive thoughts) and he was supportive.I have no idea if I will tell anyone abt my thoughts..and bcs of that I feel like I lie to them and betray them.I really want to enjoy my life and be happy and support people( especially because I didnt help that kid then).I want to live up to my morals now but I feel like I lie and manipulate people bcs I am a monster.Is this normal? To feel this way? What can I do? What if I am my worst fear and just cant accept it?!

rainbows

Date posted: 15w

A war inside

Does anyone feel like they’re fighting a war inside of them? I’ve slowly opened up to people about my past and things that happened ( I never thought I would ) but at times, I value truth and honesty and wanting to be a good person and this is something I just want to let go of because I’ve suffered with the guilt and shame and regret but my mind keeps on dwelling on it and bringing it back. Like I’m a fraud. This implies to all my mistakes that I’ve learned from. I normally tell my mom things but I don’t want to tell her these things. I love her and don’t want to bring shame upon my family or for this to be brought up over and over again. I did stupid things without logically thinking and I have the best mom ever and she trusted me with things when I was younger. I made mistakes with that trust and it makes me upset. I now feel like I’m ideally the “ideal” kid for my family and I wish to stay like that no matter my age. I’ve been trying to mange with my childhood mistakes. The shame and guilt. I’m trying to be a bit more compassionate but there’s always the thought that scares me, what if I was really evil? I used to hate looking at pictures of myself when I was younger but now when I do, I finally realize what they meant by “you aren’t your worst mistake” because I’ve done good and I’ve also screwed up. But I feel like I’m fighting a war with myself because I value justice and truth and so but I don’t even wanna talk about this or bring it up and my mind keeps targeting it and it’s exhausting.

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I keep worrying about my emotional reactions

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