How do I know after going through a severe episode of a panic attack & then (what I think is Relationship OCD), what’s real?! It’s been about 4 weeks since my panic attack & still every time I stop and think about my husband my heart sinks and I feel panicky all over again. How do I know now what’s real and what’s not real? How do I know how I actually feel? How do I overcome this feeling? Any insight? Thanks sm
Hello! I'm an ROCD sufferer as well. And first of all OCD is the illness of doubt. It causes doubt that makes you even doubt of your reality, and it can get really scary, but it's only OCD. And as well it's really difficult to feel anything especifically, because the doubt OCD makes us feel creates intrusive feelings, which means we can feel sometimes dull towards our partners or even intrusive sensations such as gronial responses in moments that we don't want them. When having OCD it is incredibly difficult to see reality, and it gets to a point where we don't even know what we want anymore and it's incredibly distressing. One of the things that has helped me are grounding exercises you could search online, and, not fighting with the OCD. Have you ever noticed that you talk with your OCD like this. OCD: this intrusive thought is real You: no it's not 😱 You get scared and start arguing with OCD, the it makes you ruminate. You've probably have heard about the maybe, maybe not. It can sound difficult to do but it's not to agree with OCD but to say whatever, something like this: OCD: it's real You: maybe, maybe not OCD: but it is... You: maybe, maybe not. I'm the one in charge here. OCD:... That's the point of answering that way, not to argue with it, but to say, I'm not listening to you, you can say whatever you want. Of course it takes time and practice, but for more impossible that it sounds, you've got this.
@IloveDieguito Thank you so much for your reply. This was all very reassuring for me. I appreciate it so much. 🥹
I am in a relatively new relationship (around 2 months) and it has been completely virtual due to varying circumstances. I have never been in a serious relationship before and my past “exes” have never been this serious or brought up any of these feelings. About a month in I started having tons of symptoms and thoughts I figured were due to an SSRI change (i eventually went back to my original med/dose) however, it has remained quite bad since. Thoughts include: -I don’t actually like my partner, I just like the feeling of being wanted -I have crushes on other people, including my partners friends who I barely know -I don’t feel butterflies so I must be losing feelings for him -I think he’s ugly/im just not attracted to him -I’m secretly a lesbian and I’m wasting his time by being with him -a general feeling of dread, wrongness, or needing out of the relationship -not being able to believe him when he reassures me about everything -all of the above is just my genuine feelings and I’m using ocd as an excuse These are obviously crazy things to think, however one of my biggest compulsions is confession and self sabotage so I have told my partner all of these things in detail. He’s really great and patient about all of it but I can tell it weighs on him. Hes even recently expressed feeling like it’s his fault and that he wonders if it wouldn’t be this bad if I was with someone else. I feel so miserable but i feel like I’d be miserable in any relationship but im scared that’s not the truth and my ocd isn’t real. When it’s good i feel the most romantic love for him I’ve ever felt toward anyone ever. He’s an incredible person but I just feel so alone and lost on what to do. I’ve literally tried to break up with him like five times and each time we’ve ended up wanting to stay together. I’m really really scared I’ll never get better or this is simply the wrong relationship for me.
Right now I feel like I’ve realized something awful. Like maybe… I never truly loved my boyfriend. Maybe in the beginning I was just excited to be in a relationship. Maybe I confused that excitement with real love. And when the intrusive thoughts started, maybe it wasn’t ROCD — maybe it was the truth hitting me. I write this and it feels real. That’s the scariest part. It feels calm and clear and like maybe I’ve just been lying to myself all along, holding on because I “should,” not because I truly want to. I can’t remember how it felt to love him — and that makes it worse. I feel so disconnected, so numb, like nothing makes sense anymore. Every time I try to feel something for him, it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m playing a role, not being myself. But the thing is… I’m not at peace. If this was really the truth, why does it hurt so much? Why does this “realization” come with panic, guilt, emptiness, and so much fear? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this — doubting myself, my feelings, and my past. I feel like I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t break, and I’m scared I’ll always feel this way. Has anyone ever felt like this before?
feel like I’ve been stuck in this ROCD cycle for so long that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Everything feels so heavy and confusing. I keep having thoughts like “I don’t love him,” “I never really did,” “I’m just used to him,” or “I’m staying out of guilt or fear.” They come with a strong emotional pull that makes it feel like I’m finally facing some ‘truth’ — but I don’t even know what that truth is. Even when things are going well with my boyfriend — when he’s loving, caring, affectionate — I still feel disconnected, like I can’t feel love or calmness. And then I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should feel. I overthink everything: memories, how I used to feel, how I feel now, what I might feel tomorrow. I can’t tell if I’m just scared to lose him or if I’m trying to force something that isn’t there. I’ve read so much about ROCD and I know I’m supposed to sit with the thoughts and let them pass, but sometimes they feel so real that I don’t know how to keep going. Sometimes I even feel numb and that scares me too — like if I don’t react with panic, it must be true. I just want peace. I want clarity. I want to stop analyzing and doubting every moment. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you sit with this and not spiral? Thank you so much for reading. 💔
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