- Username
- butwhatif
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yeah I don't even necessarily mind being bi, it's more the YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND you just think of her as a friend you should BE WITH A GUY you will be happier but you don't cos you're stuck in some fuckery lie to yourself. AHHHH it's absolutely AWFUL and feels so real like a gun to my head. I've even admited this to my self and my girlfriend sometimes thinking it was real but it just left me kinda stranded and lonely and empty and nothing happened. Guess it's good for me to remember that...
Oh yeah, I've written entire lengthy breakup notes in my phone and ended up crying and not saying anything. The "You just think of them as a friend" thing is SO relatable omfg hahah. I'll even tell myself I think of him more like a brother, and then compare it to how I feel about my brother? "How do I know what feelings are love? What IS love? What KIND of love is THIS?" like okay fine I'm a gay lying manipulator then, thanks???
I guess I’m also okay with being bisexual. But the thing is I don’t want to act on it. I just don’t have a desire too. But same with you, I’m afraid I’d want to be with woman more etc. but I still doubt I might even be bi because it’s not a desire it’s more like I’d be okay with it. It’s not that I have had a crush with a girl it’s just that idk I’m okay with it. But I know it won’t happen because I don’t want it too. It’s just not mean I want or desire. But they’re just fears.
Yeah, I'm kind of okay with the fact that I could in theory enjoy it, but what I don't like is the fact that I'll think about something and ask myself "Do I like this?" and just force myself to think about it over and over again. It's like, okay, stfu, even if I liked this I wouldn't want to think about it 24/7 haha
Hahahhah dude exactly the same hahahaha
Apparently I'm just using my girlfriend cos I have mommy issues and just want someone to comfort me (which to be fair I do often like being confronted and don't always have a high sex drive) and there seems to be loads of evidence to support this so it feels true but at the same time the thoughts just feel so abusive and urgent and keep changing and it's so confusing sometimes cos it feels like there is a real case for it, but I don't want to act on it if you get me
It's kinda cool others feel the same way (although IT SUCKS anyone has to feel and go through this)
Hahah yeah exactly, it is nice. And you're username makes me laugh 'butwhatif' LOOOL
Is there anything that helps you, or times when you feel more relaxed or centred?
Haha about the same. Podcasts, baths, working on stuff... Sometimes I do little meditations that help a bit or trigger me haha so it's give and take. Hanging with good friends helps when I can muster the energy, but yeah walks, baths and podcasts are so good :)
Oh and comedy sometimes to lift my spirits
Yes! I also have an interest in true crime, which certainly won't be for everyone, but I guess because that hasn't triggered me in a long time, I feel it oddly soothing? Maybe like because I feel so guilty all the time, in a roundabout way I realize it could be much worse? Idk
Yeah I think true crime stuff engaged our anxiety brain cos it's thrilling and serious, so it keeps us kinda hooked and looking for evidence, WHICH WE LOVE hahaha, yeah and feeling less like a bad person compared to those guys lol. Yeah, I also work part time and try to do art in between, but it's really hard to be disciplined and produce lots of work cos my OCD just destroys my ability to live , ubfind myself trying to self soothe so often
Yes, good point about it being serious and analytical. Sometimes if I feel serious, it feels good to watch something serious as well. And I get that way with projects, too. I keep telling myself I'm going to start drawing or learning how to code, but then I end up overanalyzing whether or not it's worth doing or if I even have an idea of what to do with it, and then I end up doing nothing creative. I also am in a (sort-of?) long distance relationship, so I live like 2 hours away from my bf, and can get really hung up on waiting to be texted back and worrying about it. Sigh
Ahh were so similar. Haha. I really hope you figure things out. I think I might try the awakenintolove course next week ... Check it out on YouTube if you haven't already. And I'm gonna do a meditation before bed. I am about to sleep as have work tomorrow. But I am sending you all my love, and I'm trying to remember not to listen to the voice that makes me feel bad, even if u don't have an answer and even if it feels real or more real than what I have to say, I just don't believe in the way it speaks. It's sinister and stops me in my tracks and thats a good enough reason for me to try and not think about it. I hope one day we can trust our own beings without our brains having to know what means what and why :) hugs!!! Xoxoxo
Wow, what an incredibly sweet message! It means a lot coming from someone who experiences similar things as me. Rest well and I hope you can do the same! You deserve happiness! ?
And I will check out that YouTube course ☺️
Omg yeah, I definitely have abandonment issues, so I'm like "I'm just holding on because I don't want to be alone!!!" "Sure, maybe I like him, but it's not ENOUGH!" Legitimately is nice that I can say this and actually have someone relate for once, instead of giving a typical canned response
Sometimes I am able to engage in a hobby that gets me out of my head for a bit. I've been going for a lot of walks lately because I haven't been motivated enough to do yoga or go to a gym, and sometimes different surroundings help. Also just like taking a hot shower or bath. Anything sensory helps me because all my compulsions are mental. Listening to podcasts and music also helps me distract from thinking. How about you?
Definitely! I used to really like photography, so I'm trying to get back into that and just basically staying busy. It can be tough sometimes because I live alone and work a pretty autonomous job (2 days a week at home), so it's just getting through the workday sometimes that's difficult. Like how do other people focus on something other than anxiety 40 hours a week?
So basicaly Two days ago I found a video on YouTube about astrology, and the woman speaking said smth like: you should look inside yourself because you have a tendency to ignore your own identity and your own true feelings. Instantly I thought of this endeavouring rumination about me being bisexual. Cause now I’ve kinda come to terms with the fact that in no way am I gay. So okay, the thing is, recently I’ve started to think that girls especially have an inclination towards bisexuality, mainly because they are affectionate with other girls. Bear in mind the fact that, since this hocd started, the lines between normal dating actions and behaviours between people are blurred to me. Now I realize that I am ruminating more and more this possibility of me being bisexual, but there are counter arguments like : I would never ever date a woman, I would never ever have sex with a woman and to me they are beautiful yes, they are sexy etc but I don’t want to do anything with them. Then, my consequent thought is maybe I have internalized homophobia idk. This is all soooo distressful and irritating and confusing. Deep down I know that I am a straight girl, but I feel guilty every time someone asks about my boyfriend because of these intrusive thoughts. It feels like I am lying to them, telling them that I am straight, when in fact I am not. Have you ever had such experiences?
is anyone in the same position as me?? I’ve 100% felt sexual attraction to both men and women but there’s just a part of me that’s so convinced I’m gay even though I’ve felt attracted to men so many times. I always hear people talk about being exclusively straight or gay with HOCD, but does anyone else exist on the bi spectrum who also has HOCD?
I feel so many discussions of SO-OCD revolve around (mostly) straight identifying people fearing they are gay, or the reverse. But has anyone who identifies as bisexual or queer experienced SO-OCD? I am a woman married to a man, and while my sexual orientation has been reasonably fluid since I was in my teens, I have consistently felt a preference for men, and never felt the need to put a label on my identity (including straight) - and I’ve never hidden the fact that I’ve had flings with women. About three years ago I had the “brain broke” moment where I suddenly out of nowhere thought: “I am bisexual, I have been masquerading as straight since I’m married to a man, and I have to come out to everyone I know.” It was all I could think about. The fact that I felt shame accompanying it made me fear that I might be using the term bisexual to cover up the fact that I was actually gay. It particularly messes with my head because OCD is characterised as “unwanted” thoughts, but actually I am occasionally attracted to people of other genders, so these thoughts are not always unwanted. Which makes me wonder whether I am just in denial, and I don’t have OCD at all? And thus the cycle continues… Would just love to hear from anyone else if they relate to this!
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