- Date posted
- 5y ago
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I guess I’m also okay with being bisexual. But the thing is I don’t want to act on it. I just don’t have a desire too. But same with you, I’m afraid I’d want to be with woman more etc. but I still doubt I might even be bi because it’s not a desire it’s more like I’d be okay with it. It’s not that I have had a crush with a girl it’s just that idk I’m okay with it. But I know it won’t happen because I don’t want it too. It’s just not mean I want or desire. But they’re just fears.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yeah, I'm kind of okay with the fact that I could in theory enjoy it, but what I don't like is the fact that I'll think about something and ask myself "Do I like this?" and just force myself to think about it over and over again. It's like, okay, stfu, even if I liked this I wouldn't want to think about it 24/7 haha
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yeah I don't even necessarily mind being bi, it's more the YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND you just think of her as a friend you should BE WITH A GUY you will be happier but you don't cos you're stuck in some fuckery lie to yourself. AHHHH it's absolutely AWFUL and feels so real like a gun to my head. I've even admited this to my self and my girlfriend sometimes thinking it was real but it just left me kinda stranded and lonely and empty and nothing happened. Guess it's good for me to remember that...
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Oh yeah, I've written entire lengthy breakup notes in my phone and ended up crying and not saying anything. The "You just think of them as a friend" thing is SO relatable omfg hahah. I'll even tell myself I think of him more like a brother, and then compare it to how I feel about my brother? "How do I know what feelings are love? What IS love? What KIND of love is THIS?" like okay fine I'm a gay lying manipulator then, thanks???
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hahahhah dude exactly the same hahahaha
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Apparently I'm just using my girlfriend cos I have mommy issues and just want someone to comfort me (which to be fair I do often like being confronted and don't always have a high sex drive) and there seems to be loads of evidence to support this so it feels true but at the same time the thoughts just feel so abusive and urgent and keep changing and it's so confusing sometimes cos it feels like there is a real case for it, but I don't want to act on it if you get me
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It's kinda cool others feel the same way (although IT SUCKS anyone has to feel and go through this)
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hahah yeah exactly, it is nice. And you're username makes me laugh 'butwhatif' LOOOL
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Is there anything that helps you, or times when you feel more relaxed or centred?
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Haha about the same. Podcasts, baths, working on stuff... Sometimes I do little meditations that help a bit or trigger me haha so it's give and take. Hanging with good friends helps when I can muster the energy, but yeah walks, baths and podcasts are so good :)
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Oh and comedy sometimes to lift my spirits
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yes! I also have an interest in true crime, which certainly won't be for everyone, but I guess because that hasn't triggered me in a long time, I feel it oddly soothing? Maybe like because I feel so guilty all the time, in a roundabout way I realize it could be much worse? Idk
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yeah I think true crime stuff engaged our anxiety brain cos it's thrilling and serious, so it keeps us kinda hooked and looking for evidence, WHICH WE LOVE hahaha, yeah and feeling less like a bad person compared to those guys lol. Yeah, I also work part time and try to do art in between, but it's really hard to be disciplined and produce lots of work cos my OCD just destroys my ability to live , ubfind myself trying to self soothe so often
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yes, good point about it being serious and analytical. Sometimes if I feel serious, it feels good to watch something serious as well. And I get that way with projects, too. I keep telling myself I'm going to start drawing or learning how to code, but then I end up overanalyzing whether or not it's worth doing or if I even have an idea of what to do with it, and then I end up doing nothing creative. I also am in a (sort-of?) long distance relationship, so I live like 2 hours away from my bf, and can get really hung up on waiting to be texted back and worrying about it. Sigh
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Ahh were so similar. Haha. I really hope you figure things out. I think I might try the awakenintolove course next week ... Check it out on YouTube if you haven't already. And I'm gonna do a meditation before bed. I am about to sleep as have work tomorrow. But I am sending you all my love, and I'm trying to remember not to listen to the voice that makes me feel bad, even if u don't have an answer and even if it feels real or more real than what I have to say, I just don't believe in the way it speaks. It's sinister and stops me in my tracks and thats a good enough reason for me to try and not think about it. I hope one day we can trust our own beings without our brains having to know what means what and why :) hugs!!! Xoxoxo
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Wow, what an incredibly sweet message! It means a lot coming from someone who experiences similar things as me. Rest well and I hope you can do the same! You deserve happiness! ?
- Date posted
- 5y ago
And I will check out that YouTube course ☺️
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Omg yeah, I definitely have abandonment issues, so I'm like "I'm just holding on because I don't want to be alone!!!" "Sure, maybe I like him, but it's not ENOUGH!" Legitimately is nice that I can say this and actually have someone relate for once, instead of giving a typical canned response
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Sometimes I am able to engage in a hobby that gets me out of my head for a bit. I've been going for a lot of walks lately because I haven't been motivated enough to do yoga or go to a gym, and sometimes different surroundings help. Also just like taking a hot shower or bath. Anything sensory helps me because all my compulsions are mental. Listening to podcasts and music also helps me distract from thinking. How about you?
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Definitely! I used to really like photography, so I'm trying to get back into that and just basically staying busy. It can be tough sometimes because I live alone and work a pretty autonomous job (2 days a week at home), so it's just getting through the workday sometimes that's difficult. Like how do other people focus on something other than anxiety 40 hours a week?
Related posts
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 14w ago
I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now
- Date posted
- 14w ago
Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off
- Students with OCD
- Sexual Orientation OCD
- OCD newbies
- LGBTQ+ with OCD
- Relationship OCD
- Young adults with OCD
- Date posted
- 10w ago
Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?
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