Re: HOCD/bisexuality So I'm sure a lot of us here are familiar with the old "no one is 100% straight or gay," "sexuality is a spectrum," etc. etc. etc. Obviously those things don't offer sticking reassurance to those of us with a feelings of intense doubt, urgency & guilt telling us we are liars, need to immediately live in accordance with our true selves, and so on. I'm just curious whether anyone here is actually somewhat comfortable with the idea of bisexuality, like I am sometimes. What mostly triggers me are thoughts that I would like being with the same sex MORE, that I'm MOSTLY gay, that I shouldn't have a boyfriend because it's dishonest to who I am and going to lead to pain and wasted time, that I SHOULD go have sex with a woman because otherwise how will I ever know who I really am? It's basically a desire to have a complete understanding of my orientation and live in a way that perfectly represents that. But obviously this doesn't completely make sense because human behavior is complex and people don't solely get involved with one another to test their sexual responses, lol. They do it because they just follow their motivation and if they make a mistake, they deal with it and redirect. Honestly not sure if this post is just me having a compulsion to vent (I've compulsively journaled in the past, sometimes going until I end on some note of reassurance). But I'm hitting send ?‍♀️

I guess I’m also okay with being bisexual. But the thing is I don’t want to act on it. I just don’t have a desire too. But same with you, I’m afraid I’d want to be with woman more etc. but I still doubt I might even be bi because it’s not a desire it’s more like I’d be okay with it. It’s not that I have had a crush with a girl it’s just that idk I’m okay with it. But I know it won’t happen because I don’t want it too. It’s just not mean I want or desire. But they’re just fears.

Yeah I don't even necessarily mind being bi, it's more the YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND you just think of her as a friend you should BE WITH A GUY you will be happier but you don't cos you're stuck in some fuckery lie to yourself. AHHHH it's absolutely AWFUL and feels so real like a gun to my head. I've even admited this to my self and my girlfriend sometimes thinking it was real but it just left me kinda stranded and lonely and empty and nothing happened. Guess it's good for me to remember that...

Hahahhah dude exactly the same hahahaha

Apparently I'm just using my girlfriend cos I have mommy issues and just want someone to comfort me (which to be fair I do often like being confronted and don't always have a high sex drive) and there seems to be loads of evidence to support this so it feels true but at the same time the thoughts just feel so abusive and urgent and keep changing and it's so confusing sometimes cos it feels like there is a real case for it, but I don't want to act on it if you get me

It's kinda cool others feel the same way (although IT SUCKS anyone has to feel and go through this)

Hahah yeah exactly, it is nice. And you're username makes me laugh 'butwhatif' LOOOL

Is there anything that helps you, or times when you feel more relaxed or centred?

Haha about the same. Podcasts, baths, working on stuff... Sometimes I do little meditations that help a bit or trigger me haha so it's give and take. Hanging with good friends helps when I can muster the energy, but yeah walks, baths and podcasts are so good :)

Oh and comedy sometimes to lift my spirits

Yeah I think true crime stuff engaged our anxiety brain cos it's thrilling and serious, so it keeps us kinda hooked and looking for evidence, WHICH WE LOVE hahaha, yeah and feeling less like a bad person compared to those guys lol. Yeah, I also work part time and try to do art in between, but it's really hard to be disciplined and produce lots of work cos my OCD just destroys my ability to live , ubfind myself trying to self soothe so often

Ahh were so similar. Haha. I really hope you figure things out. I think I might try the awakenintolove course next week ... Check it out on YouTube if you haven't already. And I'm gonna do a meditation before bed. I am about to sleep as have work tomorrow. But I am sending you all my love, and I'm trying to remember not to listen to the voice that makes me feel bad, even if u don't have an answer and even if it feels real or more real than what I have to say, I just don't believe in the way it speaks. It's sinister and stops me in my tracks and thats a good enough reason for me to try and not think about it. I hope one day we can trust our own beings without our brains having to know what means what and why :) hugs!!! Xoxoxo

And I will check out that YouTube course ☺️

Omg yeah, I definitely have abandonment issues, so I'm like "I'm just holding on because I don't want to be alone!!!" "Sure, maybe I like him, but it's not ENOUGH!" Legitimately is nice that I can say this and actually have someone relate for once, instead of giving a typical canned response

Sometimes I am able to engage in a hobby that gets me out of my head for a bit. I've been going for a lot of walks lately because I haven't been motivated enough to do yoga or go to a gym, and sometimes different surroundings help. Also just like taking a hot shower or bath. Anything sensory helps me because all my compulsions are mental. Listening to podcasts and music also helps me distract from thinking. How about you?

Definitely! I used to really like photography, so I'm trying to get back into that and just basically staying busy. It can be tough sometimes because I live alone and work a pretty autonomous job (2 days a week at home), so it's just getting through the workday sometimes that's difficult. Like how do other people focus on something other than anxiety 40 hours a week?