butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Re: HOCD/bisexuality So I'm sure a lot of us here are familiar with the old "no one is 100% straight or gay," "sexuality is a spectrum," etc. etc. etc. Obviously those things don't offer sticking reassurance to those of us with a feelings of intense doubt, urgency & guilt telling us we are liars, need to immediately live in accordance with our true selves, and so on. I'm just curious whether anyone here is actually somewhat comfortable with the idea of bisexuality, like I am sometimes. What mostly triggers me are thoughts that I would like being with the same sex MORE, that I'm MOSTLY gay, that I shouldn't have a boyfriend because it's dishonest to who I am and going to lead to pain and wasted time, that I SHOULD go have sex with a woman because otherwise how will I ever know who I really am? It's basically a desire to have a complete understanding of my orientation and live in a way that perfectly represents that. But obviously this doesn't completely make sense because human behavior is complex and people don't solely get involved with one another to test their sexual responses, lol. They do it because they just follow their motivation and if they make a mistake, they deal with it and redirect. Honestly not sure if this post is just me having a compulsion to vent (I've compulsively journaled in the past, sometimes going until I end on some note of reassurance). But I'm hitting send ?‍♀️

Idk

Date posted: 5y

I guess I’m also okay with being bisexual. But the thing is I don’t want to act on it. I just don’t have a desire too. But same with you, I’m afraid I’d want to be with woman more etc. but I still doubt I might even be bi because it’s not a desire it’s more like I’d be okay with it. It’s not that I have had a crush with a girl it’s just that idk I’m okay with it. But I know it won’t happen because I don’t want it too. It’s just not mean I want or desire. But they’re just fears.

butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Yeah, I'm kind of okay with the fact that I could in theory enjoy it, but what I don't like is the fact that I'll think about something and ask myself "Do I like this?" and just force myself to think about it over and over again. It's like, okay, stfu, even if I liked this I wouldn't want to think about it 24/7 haha

spyro

Date posted: 5y

Yeah I don't even necessarily mind being bi, it's more the YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND you just think of her as a friend you should BE WITH A GUY you will be happier but you don't cos you're stuck in some fuckery lie to yourself. AHHHH it's absolutely AWFUL and feels so real like a gun to my head. I've even admited this to my self and my girlfriend sometimes thinking it was real but it just left me kinda stranded and lonely and empty and nothing happened. Guess it's good for me to remember that...

butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Oh yeah, I've written entire lengthy breakup notes in my phone and ended up crying and not saying anything. The "You just think of them as a friend" thing is SO relatable omfg hahah. I'll even tell myself I think of him more like a brother, and then compare it to how I feel about my brother? "How do I know what feelings are love? What IS love? What KIND of love is THIS?" like okay fine I'm a gay lying manipulator then, thanks???

spyro

Date posted: 5y

Hahahhah dude exactly the same hahahaha

spyro

Date posted: 5y

Apparently I'm just using my girlfriend cos I have mommy issues and just want someone to comfort me (which to be fair I do often like being confronted and don't always have a high sex drive) and there seems to be loads of evidence to support this so it feels true but at the same time the thoughts just feel so abusive and urgent and keep changing and it's so confusing sometimes cos it feels like there is a real case for it, but I don't want to act on it if you get me

spyro

Date posted: 5y

It's kinda cool others feel the same way (although IT SUCKS anyone has to feel and go through this)

spyro

Date posted: 5y

Hahah yeah exactly, it is nice. And you're username makes me laugh 'butwhatif' LOOOL

spyro

Date posted: 5y

Is there anything that helps you, or times when you feel more relaxed or centred?

spyro

Date posted: 5y

Haha about the same. Podcasts, baths, working on stuff... Sometimes I do little meditations that help a bit or trigger me haha so it's give and take. Hanging with good friends helps when I can muster the energy, but yeah walks, baths and podcasts are so good :)

spyro

Date posted: 5y

Oh and comedy sometimes to lift my spirits

butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Yes! I also have an interest in true crime, which certainly won't be for everyone, but I guess because that hasn't triggered me in a long time, I feel it oddly soothing? Maybe like because I feel so guilty all the time, in a roundabout way I realize it could be much worse? Idk

spyro

Date posted: 5y

Yeah I think true crime stuff engaged our anxiety brain cos it's thrilling and serious, so it keeps us kinda hooked and looking for evidence, WHICH WE LOVE hahaha, yeah and feeling less like a bad person compared to those guys lol. Yeah, I also work part time and try to do art in between, but it's really hard to be disciplined and produce lots of work cos my OCD just destroys my ability to live , ubfind myself trying to self soothe so often

butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Yes, good point about it being serious and analytical. Sometimes if I feel serious, it feels good to watch something serious as well. And I get that way with projects, too. I keep telling myself I'm going to start drawing or learning how to code, but then I end up overanalyzing whether or not it's worth doing or if I even have an idea of what to do with it, and then I end up doing nothing creative. I also am in a (sort-of?) long distance relationship, so I live like 2 hours away from my bf, and can get really hung up on waiting to be texted back and worrying about it. Sigh

spyro

Date posted: 5y

Ahh were so similar. Haha. I really hope you figure things out. I think I might try the awakenintolove course next week ... Check it out on YouTube if you haven't already. And I'm gonna do a meditation before bed. I am about to sleep as have work tomorrow. But I am sending you all my love, and I'm trying to remember not to listen to the voice that makes me feel bad, even if u don't have an answer and even if it feels real or more real than what I have to say, I just don't believe in the way it speaks. It's sinister and stops me in my tracks and thats a good enough reason for me to try and not think about it. I hope one day we can trust our own beings without our brains having to know what means what and why :) hugs!!! Xoxoxo

butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Wow, what an incredibly sweet message! It means a lot coming from someone who experiences similar things as me. Rest well and I hope you can do the same! You deserve happiness! ?

butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

And I will check out that YouTube course ☺️

butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Omg yeah, I definitely have abandonment issues, so I'm like "I'm just holding on because I don't want to be alone!!!" "Sure, maybe I like him, but it's not ENOUGH!" Legitimately is nice that I can say this and actually have someone relate for once, instead of giving a typical canned response

butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Sometimes I am able to engage in a hobby that gets me out of my head for a bit. I've been going for a lot of walks lately because I haven't been motivated enough to do yoga or go to a gym, and sometimes different surroundings help. Also just like taking a hot shower or bath. Anything sensory helps me because all my compulsions are mental. Listening to podcasts and music also helps me distract from thinking. How about you?

butwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Definitely! I used to really like photography, so I'm trying to get back into that and just basically staying busy. It can be tough sometimes because I live alone and work a pretty autonomous job (2 days a week at home), so it's just getting through the workday sometimes that's difficult. Like how do other people focus on something other than anxiety 40 hours a week?

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

idkwhatusern...

Date posted: 16w

I’m questioning sexuality even though I’m young

Sort of a rant that probably sounds stupid and I’m kind of seeking reassurance… I’m still a relatively young teenager so I know I’ve got time to work all this out but I’m really confused about my sexuality. (I’m a girl) I’ve never been in a relationship (I don’t know if I want to be which is why I’m writing this) and sometimes I feel like I’ve never really had a crush and I just convinced myself that I did because I wanted to feel normal… but then maybe that’s false memory ocd??? I don’t really want to be in a long term relationship with a guy and idk about girls but idk if that’s just cos of my age??? Some days I hate the idea of ever dating, marrying or doing anything sexual. Other days I wish my mental / physical health was better so I could date someone! Everything I feel goes up and down a lot and idk why!? I have bad sexual intrusive thoughts that make me unsure whether anything that I think is real and my parents recently split up after not getting along for a few years. I don’t know if it’s my age, my ocd, my parents bad relationship, my sexuality (am I attracted to guys, girls? Am I ace!!!!???) Or something else but I have no idea who I am and I KNOW I’m young and have time but some other perspectives might help???? Can I ever be in a relationship if I have ocd like this? Also I’m really struggling not to compulsively seek reassurance and I don’t know who to talk to about all this irl I know I probably shouldn’t share this with random strangers but also idek if I care anymore 😭

polish_germa...

Date posted: 8w

I’m scared I might be more sexually attracted to women and more romantically to men

Hi everyone, I’ve been really anxious lately, and I just need to get this out of my head. Someone recently told me that maybe I’m bisexual — that I might be more sexually attracted to women, but more romantically attracted to men. That bisexuality is not 50/50. And ever since I heard that, I’ve been spiraling. The thing is: I don’t want this to be true. It scares me. I don’t feel romantic attraction to women, I’ve never wanted to be in a relationship with one. But yes, I get aroused by fantasies involving women — and that makes me feel broken or like I’ve been lying to myself. I love my boyfriend deeply, I don’t want to lose him. I want to feel fully connected to him, physically and emotionally. But now I’m stuck in this obsessive loop of questioning: “What if I’m just in denial?” “What if I’m not really straight?” “What if this is why my libido is low?” It’s exhausting, and I don’t know if this is OCD, anxiety, or if something is fundamentally wrong. Has anyone else felt this split — romantic feelings for one gender, sexual feelings for another? I feel so alone and scared. Thanks for listening.

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