Obsessing about my health

Since i had food poisoning, i developed fear, every little feeling of sickness in my stomach, i feel really anxious about my health. Now it became automatic, i just start to feel depressed, im so afraid of having something, become sick, even afraid of being alone and being sick. But one thing makes me really obsessing. I dont want to get checked. I know what you might think, this is avoidance, i should get checked as an exposure. When i told this to my therapist she quickly jumped to "im afraid, im avoiding so i should go, im avoiding cause they might find something" i mean yeah, who is not but thats not the main reason... am i the only one who dont want to get checked for every little reason? I dont want to go to the doctor everytime. If i would have to go everytime i feel something that isnt feel right i would be there every month... I dont like when people say you should go get checked, always make sure its not another problem. With this mentality i would go to the doctor evers 3 weeks... I know they cant say to not get checked, as they cant say to not take meds for mental health issues, this is a personal choice, but still it makes me obsess that i should get checked but i dont want, but if i ask someone else they say too that i should go cause its good and this just makes me feel worse. I have negative experiences with check ups. After covid i developed a very bad cough, it was a tic, it really made me suffer and i was afraid that i have problems with my lungs. I went to a doctor and they said i have a chronic lung illness, i cant do anything about it, it will get worse. I was depressed for the whole week. I couldnt process it. Then someone i know told me to go to the lung clinic and get checked there cause something isnt right about that first diagnosis, i went there and guess what. They found nothing. My lungs were healthy. This was a traumatic experience and i was really angry of the doctors. Second reason, my aunt works at the hospital, and when we had food poisoning she told us to not go to the hospital, only go if our eyes starts to get yellow, so only go if it gets worse cause we will get more illness if we go there.. so even someone who works there doesnt trusts the place... so because of these i developed this mindset that i only go if its a real problem. I dont think im avoiding doctors cause 2 months ago i had a back injury bc of work, and i knew this is something serious, its not ocd, and it wasnt a question that i need to go get checked, actually i wanted to go to know what is it. But there are symptoms that are really really scary for me but i think its bc of stress, and yeah im afraid that they might find something and i cant deal with it, but the main reason is that i dont want to go doctor to doctor to get checked and everyone says different things or noone says anything, and im just there suffering and being afraid. Oh and i forgot to tell you, in the lung clinic they didnt told me why do i have the nagging cough, they jjst prescribed me something. After years i still sufferend with it time to time, and this year i was so done with it, i wanted to find answers, and thank God i found it. A woman on youtube made a video about this,and she said that she went to doctor to doctor and non of them told her whats the problem, but eventually he learned from somewhere that the coughs are there cause of the coughing cycle, the way you stop it is to force yourself to not cough. I tried it, its very hard but it worked. So these things just streghten my view that only go to the doctor if you know its a serious problem. But now im still obsessed about my health and i feel fear that i dont go to get checked and it will be a bad decision

karli.2204

Date posted: 24w

Things i struggle with as a hypochondriac with OCD

- can’t go to sleep without lipgloss on (my body will not let me physically gts until my lips are moisturized ) - can’t drink coke or eat too much junk food without my head telling me im going to get liver failure or stomach cancer from the unhealthy food - feeling like i’m going to have a heart attack (this one i developed from a physical form because they asked me if i had heart problems and i remembered my grandma died from a heart attack) - my head will eat with alive if i don’t scrub my skin hard enough when u shower because i cannot have dead skin - feeling forced to drink water (i quite literally feel like i’m dying off the slightest feeling of thirst) - diagnosing every single body sensation ( im convinced i have over 30+ diagnoses) - having a bad grade ( it hurts my chest literally) - being mean (i swear the energy comes back to me and haunts me for life) - finding a solution to literally everything (it hurts not to know the real) - fear of smoking (this is probably the stupidest thing ever but i’m afraid of catching an obsession from smoking then dying from it..) - having kids (just what if my body isn’t good enough and i end up risking me n the child’s life ? yk ?) - caramel frappes (i feel like the shittest person ever after drinking one and i feel like IM no longer healthy) - GREASE ( i cannot feel grease in any way while im eating because i will no longer eat the food) - any discomfort in my shoe (i will take it off from the tightness and walk barefoot if i have to) - bra (so since im convinced that there’s something wrong with me , wearing a bra that feels just a tiny bit tight, makes me forget how to breath and suddenly im dying) - my bed/room (my bed must be made and my room must be clean otherwise i cannot focus) - praying (although i don’t pray every night i feel like god thinks i’m a bad person or not worshiping him enough whenever i don’t pray or remember i didn’t) - the bible (i got trauma from it and i feel bad that i got trauma for it so im scared to read it but im scared more of the trauma it caused me) - the doctors (i don’t want any test done to me cus im afraid of something bad but i need reassurance for the sake of my sanity) - the united states of fcking america (i seriously hate living in this country because everything is a lie so i don’t feel safe here) - the food in the united states of fcking america (well mostly everything is processed and even healthy food are being pre waxed so they look “good” and it scares me so i think everything is not healthy) - tik tok (bro i cant with the diagnosis videos anymore) - what ever i do to one thing that has another thing must be done to the other thing or i cant live with myself - my nails ( im not mentally okay if my toe nails are long ..) - everyone except my bf/not bf yet (as a pre psychology student, i study and analyze everyone so i can see everyone’s red flag) - the kids at my school (the drama that has no end but no reason is my 13th reason…) - smells ( you don’t know how fast i can light a candle until you know me) - medication (it gives me more anxiety than my actual anxiety)

Bean.there

Date posted: 21w

Some doctor appt anxiety

content warning: MRI results I got prescribed MRIs done on my lumbar and cervical spine over the weekend, and several things came back abnormal in the report. I started to google when I saw a word ending in -oma, got a basic definition of this particular kind of t*mor (probably benign/non-cancerous), realized that googling in this case was for sure a compulsion, caught myself and put my phone away. I told myself, "I have an appointment with my specialist in 2 days. I trust this doctor, so I will delay/not do my own reading until after I talk to her, and only if she recommends further self-education." I stuck to it and I was proud of myself. Cut to the appointmet today. I got lost in the building where her office is and arrived 14 mins late. The receptionist said there's a 15 minute grace period, so I would have to reschedule. No availability for 2 MONTHS, even for telehealth. First of all, I am so ashamed of being late (that's another trigger for me), and so hurt and rejected that they wouldn't talk to me, even very briefly. Now the urge to google is so extreme. There are objectively concerning things in my report, based on what she said ahead of time that we were looking for, and what would affect treatment. I also have a LOT of c*ncer in my family history; 3/4 grandparents, an aunt on each side, and 1.5 bio parents (1 was skin c*ncer, 1 was prec*ncerous polyps removed but considered high future risk to be monitored), so "-oma" and "t*mor" are big red flags in my minds. So while normally I am actually pretty good about living and making peace with my chronic conditions, and health ocd is really only like 5 on my hierarchy, I know that I actually do have to be vigilant about c*ncer in some ways. My balanced solution is sticking to recommended observation scheduling, and then entrusting the research and checking to my trusted providers, so that I am not being negligent nor being compulsive. But now what? I hate waiting. Idk if/when I'll hear from her. Chronic pain in those regions due to curvature and degenerative discs are the reasons I have to get MRIs every couple of years, and now I am so somatically, obsessively aware of that pain and wondering what's going on. This post is a vent, and is my choice to express the anxiety without giving into the desire to google. I'm not seeking reassurance on whether I/my test results are going to be ok. Still, I think just some understanding and/or advice on holding myself accountable for not compulsing would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.

PRIV8

Date posted: 11w

Afraid of my health/overthinking

I went to internal medicine today, and i'm not perfectly healthy, My liver is a little bit fat, I have to lose weight so thats okay, also I have gallsand, which is not gallstone yet but it can become that if its not treated. Now im like these arent big problems but when i heard these I started to overthink and think about the worse that I will have gallstones cause the doctor said I have it cause it runs in my family(my mother/grandmother and uncle had it) and I just think that it wont go away, and even if i doesn I will be worried all year if it came back. Im just so afraid. Also they said I should go get a blood check, but I said i will hesitate now cause last time i almost fainted and felt horrible the whole day, and now i hear from people i know that they went and they felt sick and vomited there. But the overthinking comes from me thinking if these little symptoms I experienced which I thought its because of anxiety, was because of health issues then the other symptoms I experience sometimes (headache and lightheadedness) are there cause of another health issue, and im worrying about my health, im afraid of death, i keep imagining myself if they tell me that i have terminal illness or something really bad and i dont know how to handle it. Now i feel nausea and i would say its because of stress but i keep thinking that its because of the health issues I have...I don't know how to handle this fear, if you ask others or therapists, they will say "yeah everyone is afraid of death and suffering" or "Try to think about something else" and i wont pay for advices like this...

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Obsessing about my health

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