Harm ocd

@redbud I don’t want to hijack this user’s thread but I am really, really fascinated by what you wrote here. Would you mind explaining a bit more about this? I haven’t been able to find anything online about it and as I’m currently in the same boat as @curls.90 and really struggling with the feeling like I’m going to do something I don’t want to do, it’s helpful.

@Ellasmama Sure. The basic idea is thought suppression. By trying to not think about something, you make your brain constantly think about it. With OCD this can cement into an automatic association between a person or situation, and a thing you don’t want to think about. For me it was often my fiancé and hitting her. I was so scared of ever doing that, so focused on preventing that, that I would think about it whenever I saw her. I was incorrectly interpreting my brains threat detection and hyper-vigilance as a desire to lash out at her. After I got past that, I was worried that I would do it anyway, against my will. That sounds like what you are experiencing. It’s a common OCD symptom. Intrusive thoughts are scary, and because we are afraid of them and can’t make them stop, we interpret them as real desires and begin to fear we will act on them. I’ve been suffering from OCD for a long, long time. And I have never acted on any harmful thought. Ever. You don’t want to. You want very badly not to. And so you won’t.

@redbud That’s very interesting, thank you for sharing. Can I ask you - did you ever start to feel, like, numb to it? That scares me too. That’s been a recent one of feeling like I’d do something and just feeling nothing, though I know it goes against everything I stand for, especially with my dog. My therapist told me that when your hyper fixated on something, and using up so much emotion, you can almost become apathetic. I just want my real feelings back at this point.

@redbud And yes the “acting against my will” is so relatable too, for both feelings. I always feel like that. I know it’s not something that I want to do, but it feels like I will.

@Ellasmama I did start to feel numb to it as I was getting better. My therapist would tell me to let myself feel like I would act on my thoughts and sit with the discomfort and anxiety. It was horrible and I hated doing it, but it worked. I used to sit at my kitchen table holding the big knife I was afraid I’d cut myself with and time myself to see how long I could take it. Find some exposures you can do with your dog where you can sit with the thought that you might do whatever you are worrying about. Start small and just see if you can do that for a minute, then build up

@redbud That’s good to hear, thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to share this with me. I’m glad you’re better - and it makes me feel like there’s hope of getting my life back, you know? I am working up to those kinds of exposures too. The biggest struggle that I’m having is thinking of it and having that almost numb, frozen feeling from my feet up like I’d actually go and do it. That’s so hard, and it almost makes me want to cry. I feel like that feeling won’t ever go away. But I’m really trying. ERP is tough but if it works it works, right? I’m desperate.

@Ellasmama I also got told by my psych that I have PTSD from having such bad OCD. That’s something I didn’t know could happen. Like trauma from the images even thought they’re not real. So I think that makes it harder too.

@Ellasmama That sounds so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through that! But ERP will work. I believe in you! Find ways to make it smaller and smaller so that you can start and build your way up.