Asking God...

I feel so much for people, especially my parents, brother, and nana right now. I saw a few people I know from college and high school whose mom or dad passed away at a young age and I don’t know what to do about it but worry for mine who are having a hard time emotionally and mentally right now. My mom took a new job because she was previously overworked. She’s in her mid-fifties and her friends are all retired and have nice homes. She traded her old him for a smaller home that she hates. It’s required for her at her new job to complete a license exam and pass but it looks like such a hard exam and she’s so overwhelmed and emotionally drained and can’t stop comparing herself to her friends. I can’t even come up with anything positive to say to her. She feels like she shouldn’t have this much stress at this point in her life. My dad is constantly thinking about politics and it’s frustrating because it’s so toxic to even think like this but he’s stubborn and keeps thinking and talking about it. He’s currently an independent contractor and is having a hard time finding a job and finding clients, so he’s stressed about not bringing any income in. My brother and I are also stressed because we are overworked at our jobs and have been applying for new jobs for over a year and can’t get any. I haven’t had the best experience with my previous jobs because my bosses have been just awful in the past while I worked so hard and over 10 hours a day. My nana has been so lonely for so many years and finally has her friend who is now living close to her. After a month of her friend living with her, her friend fell and broke her hip. I feel so bad for both of them and I just feel like we all can’t win or catch a break. I feel like there’s more bad than good in this world and if there is a God, why would he make it so difficult for us to live in this world. It’s complete torture. I’m seriously so mad at God and why he/she would let this happen.

Hi friends. I recently had a relapse with OCD and I haven’t felt that real intense pain/fear/panic since I was first diagnosed 3 years ago. It was awful. I’ve been on medication and going to therapy for some time, and I am happy to report I have grown a lot. Long story short, it’s just become a burden for me recently trying to understand why this had to happen to me (and all of you). When I first started following Jesus, it was such a spiritual high. I had so much peace and joy, and I think within that first year with Him I became obsessed with the Bible and learning as much as I could. I think it was a sweet time, but suddenly a switch flipped. I became concerned that all my head knowledge, though I took to heart, became all I cared about. Then all the intrusive thoughts started, and you know the rest. I was relieved when I got my diagnosis, to know that scrupulosity is even a thing. But today, I sit and realize my OCD has taken on other forms (existential/fear of going insane) and then of course I started asking God “why me?”. And then… of course.. I feel bad for asking that. And then it triggered that same old feeling that I’m not in right standing with God. It’s so meta I can’t take it. Does anyone wonder why this had to be? I know the typical answers “we live in a broken world” and “God will use this for His glory” but is anyone just able to sit in that frustration, and work it out? I want to keep fighting, try understanding, like there’s this itch in me that I need to “figure out” something. But I know God isn’t the voice that’s speaking that to me. But gosh, it’s so brutal and hard. I believe God is carrying me through this. 2 Corinthians 12 has been a blessing for this. I just feel so weak. I get upset this is happening, start doubting God, and then feel guilty. It’s a stupid cycle and I see it. I have a very intellectual mind, and I find that most people with this kind of OCD share this trait. But it’s like, the logic doesn’t help. I just want God to sit in my bedroom and tell me it’s real, my faith is intact, and to keep trusting. I don’t know why He won’t do that for me, and I feel guilty for even feeling that way. Anyways, I don’t know what I’m seeking here, but for anyone feeling this way, know you’re not alone. I deeply love you all, even though we are all strangers. 1 Peter 5:9… right?

So, alot has changed. I'm Christian and currently believe we are in the end of times. It's changed my whole perspective on life. I quit my job and moved back in with family, starting to go to church, apologized to those I hurt except, one person who I talked to two family members and they told me to delete the message and with my other apology ( that i also believed was God telling me to confess in 2020) i lied at some parts because of shame and confusing myself most likely intentionally. I confessed everything to my dad and he says since i turned from it, repented, that i need to let it go and continue forward. Since then, my minds been saying that I'm outside of God's will and everything's gone down hill. I had also prayed that God exposed me and now it's like all this evil and wickedness that feels like it's coming out of my heart settles into my chest. I've prayed to God, worshipped to God, but thoughts and images of being sent to hell or my loved ones pops into my head and I've gone to sleep twice each night accepting the fact that because of me not doing so may have doomed me and my loved ones and I feel scared that I got so tired and stopped fighting it. I've had ocd since I was 7 but it just is so scary because it's hitting down to the wire and I'm scared that I was never a child of God at all I mean I have iniquity I thought I repented for but people I love still struggle with what I've done and I prayed for them and tried to help them and suggest therapy but I haven't did what I could to make it right like I should've. But these images and thoughts they're horrible. I feel like I'm against God truly and I'm like Lord change the circumstances and I won't resist so that I can preach Your word and everyday I feel like I'm gambling. It's like every thought is biblical for the most part. I don't want to kill myself cuz what if I have a chance that God will have mercy on me but....