Hi friends.
I recently had a relapse with OCD and I havenât felt that real intense pain/fear/panic since I was first diagnosed 3 years ago. It was awful. Iâve been on medication and going to therapy for some time, and I am happy to report I have grown a lot. Long story short, itâs just become a burden for me recently trying to understand why this had to happen to me (and all of you). When I first started following Jesus, it was such a spiritual high. I had so much peace and joy, and I think within that first year with Him I became obsessed with the Bible and learning as much as I could. I think it was a sweet time, but suddenly a switch flipped. I became concerned that all my head knowledge, though I took to heart, became all I cared about. Then all the intrusive thoughts started, and you know the rest. I was relieved when I got my diagnosis, to know that scrupulosity is even a thing. But today, I sit and realize my OCD has taken on other forms (existential/fear of going insane) and then of course I started asking God âwhy me?â. And then⌠of course.. I feel bad for asking that. And then it triggered that same old feeling that Iâm not in right standing with God. Itâs so meta I canât take it. Does anyone wonder why this had to be? I know the typical answers âwe live in a broken worldâ and âGod will use this for His gloryâ but is anyone just able to sit in that frustration, and work it out? I want to keep fighting, try understanding, like thereâs this itch in me that I need to âfigure outâ something. But I know God isnât the voice thatâs speaking that to me. But gosh, itâs so brutal and hard. I believe God is carrying me through this. 2 Corinthians 12 has been a blessing for this. I just feel so weak. I get upset this is happening, start doubting God, and then feel guilty. Itâs a stupid cycle and I see it. I have a very intellectual mind, and I find that most people with this kind of OCD share this trait. But itâs like, the logic doesnât help. I just want God to sit in my bedroom and tell me itâs real, my faith is intact, and to keep trusting. I donât know why He wonât do that for me, and I feel guilty for even feeling that way. Anyways, I donât know what Iâm seeking here, but for anyone feeling this way, know youâre not alone. I deeply love you all, even though we are all strangers. 1 Peter 5:9⌠right?