BPD?

recently ive been worrying that im ''secretly'' a narcissist and that im accidentally hurting all of my friends. it really doesnt help that i do relate a bit to some narcisstic traits like having an unstable ego/''needing'' validation, although i suspect it comes from a different source for me (like OCD, maybe?). it also hurts because ive been trying to understand more stigmatized disorders like NPD more and learning more about them so that i don't add to the demonization, but i feel like doing so has also instilled the fear into me that im accidentally harming people i care about or that im not actually a ''good person'' like how i like to think of myself

Other than the supposed OCD, I also feel like I may have BPD, which wouldn’t be all that surprising considering the people that conceived me are undoubtedly OCD and BPD asf but I feel problematic to self diagnose. The symptoms are eerily relatable and on Reddit I’ve seen people with diagnosed BPD talking about a “favorite person” that they obsess over and rely on for their “happiness”. Perhaps that’s why when I gain overly obsessive and attached crushes on guys it’s legit ALL I can think about 24/7. Not just the positive dreamy stuff, but also the scary negative stuff that I start making outlandish conclusions about them. Is that a thing for people with BPD, where they dread that their favorite person will give them a reason to no longer be their favorite person? Other than that, my mood and state of mind is terribly unregulated. It’s like my emotions cloud any logic and reasoning (which I guess can also be the OCD) that only increases my anxiety and depression and rumination. Caffeine obviously makes it worse but before I get anxious asf I feel excited and happy. Not to mention my impulsivity. I make a lot of self destructive choices and always find myself regretting them, but I still keep making them. When I eat I have to have something terribly unhealthy, and then I start binge eating. I also have a spending problem but that was last year so I’ve kind of moved away from that. I also feel DEEPLY insecure and always do my best to escape and avoid reality for my own sanity. And when I make plans with my friends I always feel anxious that it won’t go as planned. There’s also something I noticed when I get in a depressive mood, I start fantasizing about how everyone around me would react to my death. Not because I want to see them in pain but i like to think about how they’d feel or won’t feel about my passing. There’s probably a lot more to me that screams BPD, but at the same time there’s a chance that maybe I’m reaching.

I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I relate so much to what people here are going through. I used to think it was just anxiety, and I felt like I could handle that. But lately I’ve been spiraling—constantly afraid that what I’m feeling is something worse, like psychosis or losing control of my mind. I feel so detached and scared, and I just want peace again. I have anxiety doing the smallest things, like the thought of waking up everyday and even eating give me straight up panic. I am afraid all the time, it’s paralyzing. And a lot of people say someone with psychosis wouldn’t worry that they’re in it, but then I convince myself I’ve been in it this whole time, and haven’t known, and that maybe I’ve been doing weird stuff. Idk. I also get really scared of labels. Even the idea of OCD makes me feel like I’ll never get better or like I’ll be stuck like this forever. I just want to be okay. If anyone has felt this way—confused, overwhelmed, or scared of what’s happening in their mind—I’d really appreciate any support or encouragement.