Need advice harm ocd

I wrote this post earlier but I put it again because I need some advice otherwise I will be ruminating all night and suffering. I feel quite numb to everything now but I’ve got a bad habit of everytime I get a horrible/gory thought I start deliberately imagining it/playing it out like a scenario in my head and I don’t get anxiety and sometimes it feels like I ‘like it’ or almost like ‘i want to do that horrible thing’ I think drinking caffeine effects me but I drink Diet Coke before and last night it was really bad like I also keep doing this thing where I keep pulling faces in the mirror like I saw this thing where it said evil killers or psychos you can see the whites of their eyes at the top and I keep pulling that face in the mirror and sometimes it feels like I’m actually evil or look evil and I had this weird horrible dream and in the dream I got like adrenaline anxiety and I was smiling about being evil or doing something bad and last night I had a Diet Coke and was up really late and I went to brush my teeth and started pulling those faces in the mirror and suddenly I felt like adrenaline or soemthing and was pulling like evil smiles in the mirror like ‘imagine you killed/stabbed your mum right now and it felt real they I ‘wanted it’ or ‘liked it’ or I’ve got this horrible thing in my head I heard before that evil people enjoy doing that and get adrenaline excited and I’m thinking why am I believing that about myself or almost thinking I could be like that and I feel numb but I’m worried I’m scared but at the same time feel nothing I’m scared I will become evil or would give in or when i start deliberately imagining the thoughts it feels like I’m being hypnotised in that moment or that it could actually happen because of they way I’m thinking I can’t explain it but I’m scared and don’t know what if I’m secretly evil why do I keep deliberately imagining things before it was to test myself but now it feels almost like instead of denying it I’m almost trying to convince myself I am evil and I’m worried what if I’m curious about being evil that’s why I’m imagining sick things I’m worried, I do things that show that I care for others but at the same time I’m thinking what if someone could still be evil even though they do good things? And someone on here once said they think you can become evil if you keep thinking you are and sometimes it feels like when I’m imagining those thoughts almost like so real like I’m being influenced or it could happen and I don’t know what To do I can’t even cry over things anymore I’m scared

Username: llalalallalala

Date posted: 22w ago

Lately I'm not feeling as anxious about my obsessions as I used to. And this has worried me too, the thought always comes that maybe if I'm not feeling bad about the thoughts it means they are real. But it's not true. That happens! I don't know exactly why but many people have reported similar experiences. From what I understand, the only reason you're imagining these scenarios is because you're scared they're real and you're looking for proof. This is very common. You can't become evil if you think you are. Whoever said this was afraid of this happening. And it won't. You are not bad. You are not alone.

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 22w ago

@llalala I know that I use to deliberately imagine to check but now I’ve been doing it for so long it feels like I do it even when I don’t need to and sometimes I do it in detail and idk why I’m doing that and it feels like there’s something wrong with me

Username: llalalallalala

Date posted: 22w ago

@lu22 There's nothing wrong with you. Even if you don’t have the thought “What if?” You continue to be afraid that something is wrong and that is why you continue to do these compulsions. I know it's hard.

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 22w ago

@llalala I don’t even feel afraid or anything it feels like I feel nothing and like it could happen or I would give in or that even I like it or want it and keep imagining to see if I do and idk

Username: llalalallalala

Date posted: 22w ago

@lu22 I understand that you may not be feeling scared anymore. Sometimes it happens to me too. Continuing to question yourself is a symptom of OCD.

Username: KollinKollin

Date posted: 22w ago

It’s very sneaky but it’s a checking compulsion , sometimes very hard to separate it but it’s true . You start to check on your feelings . I’m starting to do the thing where I’m watching something sad and I’m not getting sad so I start to question it . The checking of emotions tends to make you over think your own emotions

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 22w ago

@Kollin I’ve been doing check for so long and now it’s like I do it out of habit and I’m worried it’s not because of ocd it’s like today I had a horrible gory thought about someone I care about and then I started adding things to it like more gory things like imagining it in different ways and then I was thinking omg why am I imagining it like that and adding more gory things almost like I’m creating more ways and then I stopped and now I came home and feeling like I have to start imagining things to check if I like imagining horrible things in different ways but in that Initial moment it felt like I was doing it and just imagining more and more for no reason and I’m worried that’s what evil people do like fantasising and My head is such a mess and idk what to do I’ve had no therapist for two years since I started having ocd and its gotten worse and worse

Username: KollinKollin

Date posted: 22w ago

@lu22 I would recommend going into ERP. It’ll help you a lot . Thats still checking , I know it doesn’t feel like that but you seeing if you’re afraid of theses thoughts or not by imagining them more and adding on to it is another way of worrying and checking just to “see if” or “what if this is how these people think it” but in all reality actual crazy people wouldn’t be doing any checking . Youre totally fine, you’re worried even if it feels like you aren’t. Try to resist the urge to “just check one more time “ or resist any of the routine checks you been doing and sit with the discomfort of not checking . I’m no therapist but I deal with harm as well! You got this

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 22w ago

@Kollin It jsut feels like I’m believing it a lot. It doesn’t even feel like I’m scared or anything and I’m thinking I’m evil or what if I’m curious about these gory things that’s why I’m imagining them in different ways like I should know I don’t like them right? It doesn’t even barely feel like anymore like ‘I know I don’t want this’ I feel numb and it feels like I’m believing it could be true and doesn’t even feel I hate it or not. I saw this thing on tiktok about evil people and how you can see the whites of their eyes at the top and for days I was pulling this sick face in the mirror imitating this picture of this evil person it showed in the video almost like I was trying to see if I would become evil by pulling that face or if soemthing would happen and a few times it felt like I was actually evil or something and I get this other thing where it feels like I’m about to laugh or I’m evil and lying when I tell someone I’m worrying or concerns about this problem

Username: KollinKollin

Date posted: 22w ago

@lu22 You’re checking and ruminating after about it , it’s normal :) I would resist most of your routine for a couple days the best you could . And it’s hard to get into therapy but take the leap

Username: lu22

Date posted: 2y ago

Please please need advice 😞

Today I woke up and told myself I wasn’t going to engage with the intrusive thoughts, I went downstairs and I was trying to avoid having intrusive thoughts about suffocating my cat with the pillow, but I kept feeling tempted to have the thoughts and thinking ‘maybe you do like the idea’ and I started worrying and thinking what if Through the thoughts I know how it feels to do that (because when your having the thoughts/ruminating it feels very real, almost like it’s already happened or I’ve lived through that) and now I’m desperate to do that or what if I’m secretly curious about how it feels to do that that’s why I can’t ignore the thoughts and keep feeling tempted to think about them. Or I was thinking what if through the thoughts I like the feeling of doing that but I have a conscious so now I have evil desires but I’m a good person so I don’t want to do it. I feel awful I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m believing this notion more and more everyday, I hate this and don’t know what to do

Username: lu22

Date posted: 2y ago

Please give me advice harm ocd

I wish I hadn’t have deliberately imagined the the thoughts to test myself. It feels like I’ve confused myself and now there’s no answers. I think while testing myself with these thoughts to see how I would react, I was hoping I would have a strong negative reaction to them with bad anxiety, which did happen but somehow I’ve confused myself into thinking the anxiety made the thought feel like an urge and my body went into fight or flight mode and now I’m thinking that reaction was me liking the feeling of doing that horrible thing in my thought. Now every time I have an intrusive thought and I get anxiety, I no longer feel like it’s anxiety and instead think it’s me desperate to do that because I l understood what it feels like and now I want to do that. Before i deliberately imagined the thoughts and got myself in this mess I would just brush all thoughts off as intrusive and felt okay but now I’ve got myself in this tangled mess of no answers, and it’s more scary than ever because I’m mistaking my own feelings. I feel so sick to the core that I’ve started believing that I like the feeling of doing that and this has all happened because of experimenting with the thoughts in my mind. I’m worried what if I’ve understood something I shouldn’t have and now I want to carry those evil things out but I’m not bad at the same time or the main thing that worries me. When it feels like an urge it feels like that’s about to happen and I keep thinking what if I’m desperate to do that and I’m the future I give in and it’s horrible, how did my life become like this.out of all the intrusive thoughts I’ve ever had this is the worst thing, I was saying it out loud to my dad for the first time yesterday ‘I imagined doing that to test myself and now It feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ and it just sounded so strange like what am I even saying what am I voicing out, what the hell is going on, how did my life get like this, I definitely must be confusing my feelings, I mean is that a thing? Can you have false feelings or can you confuse your feelings and feel like you like imagining something. I know that I don’t want to do that I hate it it’s disgusting but my anxiety and feelings are making me feel like I like imaging doing that and when I get an urge with an intrusive thought it feels like I would like the feeling of doing that, how can I like the feeling of doing something I have never done and that I am crying everyday about and is making me feel so terrible, I’m so confused, I mean people on here say ‘ocd tries to convince me I like the thoughts’ but idk if mine is ocd or me, because it feels like my feelings are making me convinced or that, what if it’s true? I feel so terrible. This problem all started because of this horrible documentary I watched but the man who done the evil things was living a normal life he was married and had kids and suddenly killed them and then I started worrying because why was he living a normal life then did that. I use to think the normal things I do mean that I’m not bad but now I’m thinking what if living a normal life you can still be bad 😞😞😞😞

Username: lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

Really need advice I’m worried please harm ocd

I keep getting a shock feeling and shivers and feel intense over the thoughts but I’m still not convinced that I don’t like the thoughts and keep deliberately imagining the thoughts to see my reaction. I’ve been doing this since one time when I imagined the thought it felt like ‘I like the feeling of imagining doing that action’ like it felt as if when I imagining doing that horrible thing that I liked the feeling of squashing someone’s face with a pillow (the thoughts are about smothering) now I’m worried I like the feeling of suffocating someone and it’s just awful I don’t believe myself anymore I’ve been having so many crying episodes but I’m not convinced and keep bringing on the thoughts and now I’m genuinely believing that its possible I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and I feel like I’m in hell, I don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible and I’m worried I get a good feeling from imagining doing that or that I would like the feeling of doing that and it’s driving me insane I’m so worried. Recently I keep getting a jittery feeling and anxious every time I have the thought but My head is convincing me that I’m some how ‘deliberately’ making myself anxious and I’m not actually anxious and I secretly like the thoughts and want to do that but for some reason I’m ‘pretending to be worried or anxious’ please can someone help I’ve been worrying for days I really don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible but I’m worried it’s true 😞😞 please help say if I’m getting some sick good feeling from imagining that and it’s really scary but I don’t know it it’s my fight or flight and I’m confused or whether because I’m imagining the thought in so much detail combined with the intense anxiety makes it feel like an ‘urge’ and then it’s somehow translated into ‘feels like I like the feeling’ I’m really worried I don’t know what to do please help

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