Do yall sometimes replay a sexual intrusive thought, or make one up willingly to check and see if you get aroused or get any groinal responses? Is that a checking/testing compulsion or is it real?

But I'm scared because I'm not diagnosed and I managed to have an orgasm more than once testing myself via masturbation. I don't know what it means, I don't know if it's my fault and I'm so scared it's not OCD. I don't know whether I should blame myself for these compulsions but I feel like such a disgusting piece of shit and I want this gone so badly. I want this erased and never to be remembered again.

I'm going to cry, I am so sorry that happened to you, I am so so sorry you had to share this to try and make me feel better. I am so so sorry, I'm really grateful for you doing that and if there's anything I could do to repay you please tell me. FUCK THAT FREAK. I HATE THESE FUCKING FREAKS, I am so sorry that happened to you, I wish you all the joy in the world, because I know you deserve it. I was terrified, just so you know. Thank you so much, I'm sending you all my hugs and all my support and if you ever need me, don't be afraid to let me know.

Well when you have a worry about being a freak after orgasming to freaky stuff and willingly thinking about it to check if you get aroused, then of course the "irrational fear" becomes rational. It's hard.

I have masturbated to the thoughts only when my OCD started and after I orgasmed more than once I was so traumatized that I never did it again. I never want to do it again. There was one time where I was in the shower and an intrusive thought persisted really hard as I was masturbating and I tried masturbating to it for like 5 seconds then immediately stopped when I realized that I was actually going flacid and becoming completely unaroused. That was the only time I ever did something similar after those traumatizing compulsions backfired on me. I felt like shit even then. But it showed me that the arousal part is extremely inconsistent and basically reassured me that something non-paraphillic is affecting me. I will never ever test myself again. EVER. It makes me feel like an absolute monster so I avoid it like the plague nowadays. I'm just mad that I'm giving into the checking for arousal via willingly thinking gross things compulsion. I hate these things, but I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT CERTAINTY AND I WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE HELL IT CAUSES GROINAL RESPONSES WHEN IT SHOULDN'T. I just want to be free from all of this.

I'm so sorry you had to experience something so disgusting and terrifying. I promise I won't disappoint you.

Thanks andreww. You're always busting through to save my ass.

But nobody has any idea how I could orgasm from testing myself and I have no idea and I don't know what it means... I want a concrete answer as to how the hell this happened and nobody is stepping up instead sending me OCD articles about arousal that I've already seen. I'm so terrified that I'm like a disgusting severe case for OCD or that it's not OCD and I'm so scared that I'm never gonna get better because these checking/testing compulsions will haunt me for life. I am living in hell.

But I orgasmed extremely quickly....like in SECONDS. What does that mean???? I've read that quick orgasms happen because of feelings of guilt stress and anxiety about orgasming and I've read studies that suggest that men who have anxiety cant supress their arousal when trying to and in fact get even more aroused just by anxiously trying to suppress it. I need an answer because I feel like such a freak and I want to erase it from ever happening. I just want to be myself again.

I don't know what I'm forcing. I want to control my mind. I have intrusive thoughts, doubts and fears about more than just pedophilia. I want my old life back......I feel so gross...I feel so defeated. You think I'll ever get better?

I have and even though they said that an unwanted orgasm can happen they didn't specify any details.