I feel like fucking shit, like I'm about to cry because my little sister wants to stay in my room and be around me more often and because I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I am terrified of letting her in and I keep avoiding her and she seems genuinely sad and I want to cry so bad, because I know nothing is gonna happen if I let her sit in a room alone with me and I'm just making excuses and I'm such a piece of garbage person... I don't know why I like to be alone in my room. When I was typing this post I wanted to type "Because I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I'm terrified of leaving her alone in a room with me out of fear that something horrible might happen" but that is such a blatant lie because I know that NOTHING is going to happen. Why am I like this???? Why do I do this to her, I don't want her to feel like that, but I'm just so scared. I'm so scared and I see myself as so disgusting that I just don't wanna be around kids and around my little sister not because I'm scared that I'm gonna do something - I know I'm not, but because it just makes me sad and it makes me anxious and it makes me feel horrible sitting around kids. I feel so devastated and I hate myself to such a high degree, there is not one redeeming thing I can see in myself at the moment.

Also, why do you feel it’s important that you’re not diagnosed? Does that mean for you that since you’re not diagnosed that maybe ‘it’s all for real’?

I’m so sorry you feel so bad, please have a virtual hug from me ? It’s ok that you are not comfortable enough to be with your sister right now. You will get there when you’ll get there, and there is no reason to feel guilty. You obviously love your sister very much, and care for her feelings and safety. It’s not your fault you have OCD. It’s probably a genetic thing anyway, or something that develops in infancy, so definitely not your fault. And you will feel better, and when you do, you will challenge yourself with letting your sister in for a while as ERP and, step by step, everything will be back to normal. But right now you’re obviously dealing with a crisis so please don’t be so hard on yourself!

And maybe you can explain to your sister that you really want to spend time with her, but right now you feel ill? And that you will get back to her asap

Because my experiences are more on the terrifying side (orgasmed more than once testing myself via masturbation, groinal responses and real event OCD have me terrified, false memory OCD seems genuinely real sometimes) so the irrational fear feels pretty dang rational with stuff like that. I do acknowledge that no matter how messed up my case is, I am still symptomatic and fit the ocd diagnostic criteria, it just doesn't make it any less scary for me.