- Date posted
- 1y
Basically All My Problems
Hello. I downloaded this app because of a cousin who has been through and is currently experiencing things similar to me and she said this helps her not feel so alone. So here I am. My name is Emma and I’m a 15 year old from Texas. In 2015, when I was 4/5 years old, I was ripped away from my grandparents (who took care of me) and placed with my father (who abused my drug addicted mother) and his wife, my step mom. “Dana” is what I’ll call her. When I first arrived at my dads and Dana’s house I didn’t suspect anything bad. I just missed my grandparents. Until Dana started to sexually, mentally and physically abuse me at a very young age. She would lock me in dark rooms, hit me with spoons and tell me to blame the marks it left on my grandparents as she tried to heal them or whatever. Dana told me that I was a snake and my dad didn’t love me. She showed me pictures of mens private parts and, although my memory of this incident is blurry, I do remember taking a “bath” with her once and never again. But Dana is just where my problems started. Whenever my grandparents won the custody battle, I came home, but not as the same kid who left. My thoughts were now very sexual if that makes sense, and I started to have sexual thoughts about family members and other thoughts in which I couldn’t control. I had basically developed a very dirty mind from an earlier age due to this abuse I went through at Dana’s house of horrors. These intrusive thoughts had eventually calmed now because as I got older I learned how to (somewhat) control them, but they still invade my mind today. The sexual abuse I endured also led to a short-lived porn addiction that stopped in 2020/2021 after I turned to God. These thoughts are also kind of like OCD, but like ‘if you don’t get this right all your loved ones will die’ and ‘if you do this God won’t love you and you’ll go to hell’ and what not. Now onto my present day problems Also, my grandparents are cattle people. They raise beef steers and breeding heifers. I started to show steers (a boy cow basically) in 2018. Of course, like any other animal-obsessed kids, I always fell in love with my steers. But, if you don’t know this already, FFA kids raise their “projects” or “show animals” for their county fair or other major livestock shows/expositions and at the end of every year my steers were slaughtered. I learned this at a young age but wasn’t too affected until I started to win, until I started to gain attention from random people because of what I’d accomplished in the show cattle industry, and I started to really get attached to my show animals. Just recently, I had a steer named Flash, and my goodness did I fall in love with that steer. We won almost every show we went to and were known by many people in my county. At the end of the year, Flash won Grand Champion Market Steer at the 2024 YMBL South Texas State Fair. At the fair, which lasted a week, I had to leave Flash in fair grounds in his champion pen the staff always provides for the winners (Grand and Reserve.) The fair always ends on my birthday, March 30th, which means I also have to leave my favorite animals on a day most would celebrate, but I dread all year long. Leaving Flash made me loose all self worth and also deem everything else the world had to offer meaningless. I became extremely depressed and bipolar, which, by the way, I still struggle with intense depression. I started thinking of killing my self. I told myself that if a painless way to end my life ever arose I would do it. I would end it all, just to see Flash again. Also in 2022, a heifer I loved so much, possibly more than Flash, prolapsed and died a painful death, leaving her baby behind. (We still have her baby.) The day this heifer died will always be ingrained in my head. When I got off the bus from the school, I ran to the end of my driveway before realizing my heifer, who I called Ms Kitty, really was dead. I dropped to my knees and sobbed in the driveway until my grandpa came and got me. Later that day I forced myself to look at the bloody trailer and I cried. I looked at the place where she was buried. But I got over Ms Kitty. Now onto the other problems. My grandpa went to Vietnam and told me stories. Like a normal kid would, I became obsessed and wanted to learn everything about the war. Me and my cousin played a game at night that resembled Vietnam. Until I stopped treating it like a game and let the events that took place in that horrible war shake me to my core. My grandpa also told me a story where one of his only friends, because according to him he tried his best not to make friends in case they died, was hit by some type of bomb or something and his body was blown in half. That scarred me as a child and I still think about it to day. All of that war phase I had as a kid affects me. Last week my family put on some Vietnam war movie. I started crying and had to make them turn it off. It just affects me somehow…and I know I’m not a veteran and I don’t know half of the problems vets go through, it still affects me and makes me depressed. All of these problems, amongst smaller things, make me want to end my life; I want the sadness and depression to end, I want to be with my family and Flash in heaven. I don’t want to live on this cruel world any longer than I have to. During the daytime, I’m happy and I laugh. There are days where I’m sad regardless of what time it is, but for the post part, every night I cry alone in my room, read my Bible and pray for God to take me and my grandparents to Heaven so I can see Flash all my other loved ones and animals and end my suffering. Before I end this post, I just want to add that I wouldn’t ever cause myself any harm. I’m a very low pain tolerance type of person and I’m even terrified of needles, so at least for now, Im in now real danger and wouldn’t ever act on my sucicidial thoughts. (Hope I spelt it right.)