Major TW — potential CSA

Trigger warning for other members. Strap yourselves in, it’s a lot lol. (Mentions of CSA, abuse, sexual urges, porn) So, growing up my older sibling was abusive, and I don’t remember a whole lot of my childhood looking back on it. Like I have some core memories and some bits and pieces, but I *do* remember that ever since I was very little (like 6 or 7) I had a lot of sexual urges and I’d use whatever devices I had access to so I could take nude photos of myself. I now know this isn’t a normal behavior for a child. At age 9 I do remember walking downstairs and finding my older sibling sexually abusing my younger sibling and I remember screaming and calling my mom to tell her and crying a lot. (My mom believed me, and my parents are great parents, that’s not an issue here). I was on the internet a lot as a child and was exposed to porn at a young age. I was groomed by the internet and I struggled with porn use for a while, starting at around ages 11-13? I’m not sure. I stopped watching it at some point before dating my now boyfriend. I keep having nightmares about everything, I don’t know if it’s my OCD either but I keep thinking back on my childhood and my sexual behaviors and then I get anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I am thinking I may have been SA’d as a child by my older sibling, but I have zero memory of it, *if* it occurred. I’m just realizing, man… the things I went through as a kid really weren’t normal, especially my behaviors. And now I’m like, convincing myself I’m a cheater or something or that I’m a gross, horrible person for having intrusive thoughts like this. I keep thinking the reason why I’m getting intrusive thoughts isn’t because I have OCD but it’s because I’m actually a terrible person and need to confess it to someone. Or I need to self-sabotage. I’m staying with my long-distance boyfriend (and the love of my life) for a couple weeks so I’m thinking maybe the change in environment could also be triggering me a bit. I’ve been enjoying my time with him, I just keep having moments of anxiety every day and it’s bothering me, especially when I realize I’m gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I keep thinking it’s my fault. Me and my boyfriend were making out and my OCD was like “are you using him?” and things along those lines. I’m scared of going further with intimacy because I’m scared of “using” him. Does anybody relate to any of this? I’d like to know I’m not alone. I keep waking up with my heart racing. It’s almost 7am and I’m tired but I can’t fall back asleep. I might try to in a bit, but yeah. I *just* met my bf’s family during this trip and I love them and they love me so that makes me so happy. I’m also feeling like I absolutely do not deserve any of this. But yeah. Thank you for reading my convoluted rant.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Hello. I'm sorry you've been through those horrible things. That's very damaging and traumatizing for a child to see. Even at the age you were, you knew that what was happening in that environment was 100% wrong and it had a great impact on you. I too was exposed to pornography around 11-13. It began to be a program around 13. Even at the time, I guess when I was around 16, this wasn't how things were supposed to go. I knew that this wasn't okay but I had so much trouble trying to stop watching. To this day it's still a problem for me. OCD is a monster. It may be taking these past memories you've unfortunately had and use them against you. Please know that what happened at that time was very tough, disturbing, wrong, and unfair. None of that deserved to happen and none of it is your fault at all. I'm glad you have a good relationship with your boyfriend. I would assume you're in therapy sorting all of this out. If not, that's okay, you can get the therapy you need to heal. This is all really tough, but you don't have to go through with it alone. :)

JesusSaves424

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 Thank you so much! It really means a lot to me. I hope you aren’t too hard on yourself either. We’ve got this! 🩶

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@JesusSaves424 I'm glad it helps! Try to remind yourself that you're in a different place, you have a loving relationship and that your past neither defines you or was your fault in any way at all. As heartbreaking as it was to read, I believe you can get through this and heal! You can do it! I'm practicing to be kinder to myself for a routine, so I have hope. :)

JesusSaves424

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 Thank you so so much, it means everything to me. And I’m so glad!!! I need to do the same. Thank you for the positive words and for the reminder, it really does help a lot. I find that with my OCD I am constantly needing to ground myself. 😅 It’s pretty easy to lose your grasp on reality when you have the disorder of doubt and uncertainty. I hope you continue to heal and learn to be kind to yourself like you are kind to others!!! 😊

basillemontea

Date posted: 21w

Obsessions concerning s*x

TW: themes of sexual abuse, exploitation, etc Hello I am feeling a bit distressed today. I realized I have pretty “sex negative” views which I feel like many stem from OCD and trauma. Some of my feelings are good and I would argue most stem from a healthy place but I feel like they impact my life and emotional state on an unhealthy level. For example feel VERY strongly about CSA, rape, sexual exploitation of any kind, unethical sex etc. I have a strong pattern recognization ability and see how so many things people deem as “sex positive” (porn, onlyfans, casual sex etc) have a net negative effect on society (abuse, cheating, stds, etc) I think a good amount of the population agrees with these values so I don’t feel alone in that but I feel like I spend so much time being sad over these things. I used to listen to a lot of sexual music growing up (mainly mainstream pop like Ke$ha and Rihanna) and then in my teens I listened to a lot of rap. I noticed how this made me sexualize myself growing up which makes me very uncomfortable and sad. Another thing which makes me sad is how so much of the population was exposed to pornography at a young age. I recently was at a estate sale and there were old playboy magazines and this man was showing his son who looked to be about 9 the magazines and it made me so uncomfortable because that’s grooming and abuse. I didn’t know what to do so I just said “ew” but I still feel guilty I did not do anything more. I just don’t know how to cope with these feelings. I am also Catholic and the abuse crisis has deeply impacted my ability to practice my faith. Two priests whom were close to my family got exposed for sexually abusing children. This is a big reason I have not been able to go to confession (which leads me to being unable to receive the Eucharist, which is a big deal). I constantly obsess over the fact I won’t be able to tell who is a sexual predator and it brings me great distress. Also, sexual music, sex scenes in movies, sexual jokes etc all make me deeply uncomfortable. Hearing about my friend’s sexual lives also makes me very uncomfortable and sad for them, in a way, if I deem their experiences unethical. I feel very upset when people sexualize themselves. I also hate when I experience sexual feelings myself and often find myself wishing I was asexual even though I wish to get married and be a mother. I feel judged by society for being a “prude” “puritanical” etc which feels incredibly invalidating as a lot of my trauma involves exploitation under the guise of “liberation” I don’t really know where I’m going here I think I just want to know if anyone feels similarly. I don’t find many people with views and feelings similar to myself. A lot of people online who I feel like my views overlap with (other Catholics, radical feminists, etc) have views which stem from a lot of judgement and hate whereas I feel like I just want everyone to be safe and happy. I think a lot of my feelings stem from my trauma but obsessions from OCD? For my other forms of OCD (contamination, harm, etc) I feel like exposure therapy helps but I don’t know how I’d go about exposure therapy with this then without further causing more distress. I feel very nervous opening up with anyone about this theme. If you read to the end thank you so much❤️‍🩹 I am sorry if this post was triggering at all to anyone else I just didn’t know where to go to open up about this :(

Young adults with OCD

Lulu~

Date posted: 17w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

Need help, PLEASE +18

I got diagnosed with OCD (variant POCD) about 3/4 yeats ago. Lately I've been really confused and makes me uncomfortable this ideas that I've had dreams in my sleep where I have romantic/sexual interactions with my older sibling— I know it's disgusting, and I don't know what to do. Recently I got a boyfriend after years of being without a partner, and he makes me so happy along my friends, but sometimes at random points of the day I have this episodes with minors or my sibling, and the ones with him start to go heavier when I'm at home or alone. The first thing that comes to mind for me to do is always how much I don't wanna live, harm myself or what is my purpose at this point (22fem) having this problems. I feel weirded out when I pass them over, and suddendly think about not giving them the atention because how important they are in a negativa way. I'm just anxious writing this, I need help. Is someone living the same? How do you work on it? I will always be like this from now? — thanks in avance and sorry for mistakes, english isn't my first language

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Major TW — potential CSA

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