Im scared my just right OCD is real

My brain keeps obsessing over the idea that my mum could develop cancer. My brain keeps saying things like 'move your head twice' or 'tap the floor twice' and it has to feel RIGHT to make sure that she won't. But also all of my compulsions are basically praying until it feels right so when I move my head it's in the direction of the picture of God I have in my house for example, and it feels right. But when I do ERP and delay my compulsions they don't go away, they just come back stronger later in the day like a reminder that I really do have to do this. And if I refuse it's like I'm wasting the opportunity and giving this up, so I'm telling god that I'd be fine with her getting cancer and then she really will. I don't know what to do about this :(

vendel

Date posted: 1y

hey I have the same magically-thinking my mom would die because of God's punishment upon me I never met someone struggling with this before It's really hard to manage and I don't know what advice to give you except just know your mind is working against you and trying to make you feel guilty for things outside your control. our brains are against us in this illness. just know that you're not alone. literally, I understand and feel every single thing you just said. we can do it.

Preena

Date posted: 1y

Thank you! Even if you can't give advice it's really good to know that I'm not alone and you can also talk to me about anything :) it is just so hard living with OCD sometimes. Also I'm kind of panicking right now😭you don't have to read butt: The first night that I started obsessing over how my dad could develop cancer I was watching a movie on Netflix and I kept having to pause the movie to blink and quickly pray to God that he wouldn't so I wouldn't be choosing the movie 'over' my dad. But one time I didn't and I just carried on playing it and then I felt this huge sinking feeling which made me feel like I caused something terrible to happen so I banned myself from Netflix for a year 😭😭and also started banning a ton of other 'materialistic' stuff like chocolate and music because I read in the Bhagavad-Gita that 'life is a balance of pain and pleasure' so I thought that by reducing pleasure I could prevent the pain I could feel from my dad 😭which makes no sense at all Anyway I got over this eventually but today I was watching Netflix again and then I started thinking about how I should probably put it away and go to bed (after I pray for my dad first) but I started thinking about how I don't want to put it away and I think mentally I chose it 'over' my dad- EVEN THOUGH I WOULD NEVER. And then it was like all my OCD faded and I was allowed to pray for other stuff too, etc But then I realised that this could be because Id chosen something above my dad and now he will one day down the line get cancer. I couldn't bear this so I started praying again before bed that I don't choose anything beyond my dad, and that him not getting cancer comes first, etc. Then I got into bed and I keep feeling the urge to get up again and show God I've chosen him and that I don't choose anything instead, and I keep feeling the urge to like tap the floor twice to solidify this but I promised to god that I can't 😭😭

Preena

Date posted: 1y

@Preena Omg I did not realise how long this was you don't need to read AT ALL I am so sorry, also feel free to talk to me about anything or just vent 😭 Ik how hard dealing with ocd is❤️

vendel

Date posted: 1y

@Preena dont worry I'm so glad you can talk about your feelings surrounding this cuz i know it can feel dangerous❤️

vendel

Date posted: 1y

@Preena and whenever you're having a hard time and want to share your thoughts please message me I would love to be there for you

Preena

Date posted: 1y

@vendel Hi!! I hope you are doing okay. I am kind of struggling right now😬 you don’t have to read! I used to pray that my mum will never develop cancer 60 times and that used to feel right but now if I think if I am just satisfying my OCD or if I am actually praying she never gets cancer- in which case I am praying that she never gets it. but now I think like that it feels right to pray again 120 times to ‘undo’ the 60 prayers that she won’t get cancer which are from OCD and replace it with 60 meaningful prayers that she will never get cancer (not OCD ones.) Now I just don’t know what to do I don’t want to cause anything bad to happen by undoing the prayers or by not doing them and my mum has a scan tomorrow for whether she has it or not. Thank you so much if you read all of that❤️❤️

vendel

Date posted: 1y

@Preena hey preena! have you ever tried ERP? it sounds like you're going through so much stress right now ☹️ even this new compulsion that you're facing, even if its even more repetitive, it validates reality more, having to undo the things ocd told you to, confirming that you know that it's just ocd after all. its just ocd yeah and maybe you know that, but we also know how dangerous not doing a compulsion right feels 😞 I see how much you love your mom, taking the responsibility of her health upon you. personally, mom tells me that we are separate beings that dont magically influence each other and that she has lived well many years before I was born. this is of course logical though it still feels too uncertain to our brain 😵‍💫 everything aside, I hope everything goes well for you and your mom. you can tell me the results when they're out if you want to share❤️

tayanominous

Date posted: 25w

Panic attack and guilty

Im so scared i wish my brain would send me in to derealisation, im 13 years old and my OCD honestly gives me the most disgusting thoughts I can’t take it anymore my head turns everything into a sexual thought and I can’t even look at my own mom anymore because of them they are really and honestly the most messed up thoughts I could ever think of and I’m so scared idk what to do, I’m on Prozac and going to start ERP soon but I’m still so insanely scared I have lost myself, I’m only just been diagnosed with ocd and don’t know everything abt it but just keep on panicking about everything😭😞😢

Focd

User type: NOCD Alumni

Date posted: 24w

Doing compulsions all day long

No matter what task I’m doing. If I have an intrusive thought I have to redo the task or just just completely move on to something else. I’m Christian and I struggle with scrupulosity. I feel like I have to repeat task to keep everyone safe. I’m tired of this. I know ERP is the key and I have to stand up to the thoughts but they are just so scary. I know God is with me and I’m suppose to have faith but again I’m just so scared. I can’t even fully go into detail about my theme because I don’t want to type it out. I’m in therapy and I’m told to lean into the discomfort but it just seems like an impossible thing for me to do.

tomhyland

Date posted: 23w

disease obsessions

hello. i have been going through health scare obsessions for at least 5 years now and it terrifies me. i mainly fear of cancer. i have no reason to fear of cancer because it is not a predominant condition in my family. i have been to check ups for skin cancer and been told it was nothing which relieves me for a short period of time but then i start thinking of other cancer possibilities :( it doesn’t help that im a smoker to deal with the stress of adhd and ocd which just fuels the obsession of lung cancer. i know it would help my fear to stop smoking but thats easier said than done. i have only been a smoker for 3 years and its the only thing that helps right now. on top of this, my brain makes me believe that every intrusive thought i have WILL MANIFEST into existence just from thinking about it! this has scared me so much in the last 5 years and once i told my mum about it and she said "if you ever got cancer we would deal with it, its okay" but that didnt help it just made it worse and the possibility become more scarier! please help me.

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Im scared my just right OCD is real

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