- Date posted
- 1y
Rocd and confessing
Hi there. To start with, i just finished my ocd-therapy. I found it useful in many areas, but i still struggle a lot with the past life ocd. If anyone would share tips in this how to handle these kind of situations better, i would love it. So, this weekend randomly, i got an instrutive thought that have i been somehow flirtatious or talkative to other men during our (me and my fiance) start of dating. Even i tried to avoid it, i went to check my old instagram convos, and found still some men commenting on my instagram stories, and i had liked the comments, or even answered with some emojis. Nothing disqussion or whatsoever. I felt immediate GUILT and ashamed as i always needed to be the picture perfect spouse(ocd about it). I felt that i am a cheater, and i had to confessing all of these to my man. Also sometimes me and my friend watched our ex’s ig stories (so petty). I felt immediately so embarrased,petty and disgusted to myself didnt know what to do. Reason behind probably was the most pettiest, because i felt so good about my relationship blooming and all these exes who did me wrong - i somehow wanted them to look how good i was doing. Which is toxic and embarrasing to admit. I love my man over anything, and started feeling that I havent been loyal or whatsoever. Also seeked for reassurance from him and my friends so basicaly failed in every step of avoiding these compulsions. In my history i have been in very toxic relationship before him, and had a lot of trust issues. I have been humiliated and cheated on, physically ab@sed in my past. I tried to reassure myself that i just found it difficult to commit and trust a man again after short 2-3 weeks of dating so i think my past took a control of insecurities. But still never done anything worse than that, and obviously i dont have anyone of my past in my socials anymore because it triggers me. I deleted everyone years go. It’s now almost 3years since we have met and i talked with my partner about all this. He is supportive with me and knows i have bad confessing ocd and cheating ocd which now this topic got triggered. His reaction was calm and supportive. I dont know what to do now. Feel like the worst partner, and also failed to stick up to not checking, asking for reassurance. Basicaly feel like a massive failure🙄 Should i delete my old convos with my friend that i wouldnt check those things? Now again Im trying my hardest to not go check more of those convos. I am also pregnant, passed my first trimester so my hormones are wilding. Feeling super upset about this and yeah, just wanted to talk about it. Sorry for long and mixed up text.