- Date posted
- 1y
Venting
I hate myself. It's on a constant loop. I hate everything about myself. I can't stand my face sometimes or how people perceive my body. I hate my personality. I hate my flaws and I just feel like a bad person. I don't know how else to put it. I'm 5 months clean from S/H but I think about it constantly. Sometimes it's just for no reason it's just because I need to release something and I have no other way but I know I can't do it. I wish I didn't affect people the way I do. I wish I did more. I wish I helped more and people liked me more. I wish I wasn't the weird kid that doesn't even fit in with the "different" kids. I know it's ungrateful. I know I am. I am so thankful for everything in my life but I wish I wasnt myself sometimes. People die everyday and I'm unthankful for my life. Everyday I can't do anything without thinking about how much I just hate myself. I hate my inner voice. I don't know if this is disrespectful but sometimes I wonder why God would give my life to me instead of someone who would actually deserve it. Someone who wouldn't think everyday they're just a disgusting horrible human being and can actually enjoy things. everything I do I look back and hate myself for it and thanks exhausting. Maybe I deserve that. But I know there's someone right now suffering or dead that would take my life over theirs and day. And I feel so guilty about that. It's me. I'm the problem. I try to fix it but anytime I mess up I feel like I go back 20 steps. It feels like a loop.