35 and pausing life

Feels a little weird to talk about this here, but here goes. I'm 22 and I've never been in a relationship and I feel a lot of pressure to just get into one already, but i'm afraid to bc i don't think anyone would want me since i have ocd and the stigma against mental illness is so freaking terrible. I do catch feelings more often than I'd like to admit, but i usually let any oppurtunity to date someone slip by bc i feel like a nonentity and like they wouldn't /really/ be interested in me if they found out i have ocd.

For years I’ve dealt with anxiety. I have endured trauma as a child, teenager and adult which have been heavy feelings to carry. I realized that the neglect of my father, the abandonment and abusive relationships as an adult, have not allowed me to continue on in healthy romantic relationships. When I’m single, I thrive. I’ve accomplished so much on my own including raising my son as a single mom. I became a home owner and a business owner all on my own too, which is great. Once I start dating, it all goes downhill. I become a different version of myself. I become insecure, anxious, low self esteem, doubtful. I’m filled with instructive thoughts that ultimately lead me to the same patterns and I end up breaking up and feeling guilty about it. I am currently working with a therapist for my ptsd and anxiety and they’ve helped with this current depressive state. BUT! I need more help. This is not enough and it’s not bringing any confidence when it comes to dating. I’ve read books about anxious attachment and it has allowed me to understand it a bit more. I realize that my obsession and constant intrusive thoughts about: “does he really like me?”, “is he just going it leave me?”, “is he honest about how he feels?”, “is he talking to other women?” Paralyze my existence and well being. I neglect work, lose sleep, stop eating, obsess about my appearance. Things that are not at all like me. I am feeling hopeful about discovering more about my ocd in relationships and about finding relief and real changes. I believe that I will make these changes and be successful in dating. I’m not giving up. I AM HOPEFUL ! ❤️

Hey guys 😞 I'm drained..I like to use that word a lot and it's truly how I feel. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish ocd and depression in certain circumstances. I feel like I have a lot of negative self talk going on like I tell myself aside from family no one cares about me. It comes in full force and I feel like I'm trying to figure it out and I'm engaging with the thoughts. It's bad. Sometimes it's so hard to be mindful when overwhelmed and hit with all these emotions. I wish I could dump my brain in the garbage. I've done erp in the past quite a bit..actually a lot. I was relaxed for awhile because I was functioning pretty well. Then I took some big steps in my life. I started socializing more..I love doing that but my self esteem isn't great at all. I took the initiative to ask someone out and I recall the anxiety that struck shortly afterward. Thoughts do I truly like her? What if I don't like her what does that say about me? I felt she genuine about her though so having these thoughts were so distressing. Was my first true relationship ocd hindered my so much in the past. I'm 29 and very much ashamed that that I haven't been truly intimate with another partner. I never got involved in anything as a teen like recreational drug usage because it was a core fear of my ocd. I would say I'm pretty fortunate though in a sense I didn't really go down the route. Addiction runs in the family. I would say my biggest issue now is how quickly things turned..I am plagued by ocd and depression most of the day. The things that help me is interaction if I can muster up the strength. My job is a good source of interaction but it's also highly stressful for me now. I work as a life coach for adults with autism spectrum and developmental disorders. I legitimately feel like work is going to run me into the ground. I wasn't able to get a leave from a doctor despite expressing my concern and I feel like not be about to take a little leave from work scares me. I have another 3 weeks until I see him..maybe a little more. I'm just holding it together but I feel so alone. My mood is up and down and I hinge my happiness too much on others unfortunately. I want to give my whole self to people..I just want want to feel like someone cares about me. I want somebody to text me and actually check in with my aside from family. I've been so much more social but it hasn't been easy. Sometimes I feel a little bitter. The world doesn't owe me anything in any sense and people go through there own stuff. I'm pretty apologetic for expressing how I feel and I assume what people think too often. I get the sense people are sick of me bringing up my struggles..I honestly try my best to get to know other people. The thought runs through my head though..do you even care about others?? Would you guys consider that moral scrupolisity? Just the fact I wrestle and it's a tug and war with my mind reminds me so much of my past days of severe ocd. It's returning with a vengeance. I really want social relationships I want an intimate relationship but I get this nagging feeling that I'm just a burden no one wants to take on. I took off from work today it's been hard. I've been doing that a bit more. In my past I used to do it a lot when my anxiety was terrible. That's my verbal vomit I just wanted to go into a little detail I've only really posted once in here. Be well.