Struggling.

I have confessed to my partner multiple times about a person who is kind of on the fringes of our social circle who I have a crush on. I told him that I fantasized about this person and scrolled through his social media out of curiosity to learn more about him. My partner reassured me multiple times basically that as long as my actions aren’t physically cheating, I am free to do whatever I want in my own head and fantasize. He said he’s had his own crushes too at his workplace and he fantasized about them. We both agreed that it’s okay. He told me to stop fixating so much on intentions and internal cheating and realize that my physical actions are all that matter. This person happens to be in a Discord server with me, my partner, and like 15 other people. Whenever I speak in the server, I take great care to ignore this person’s messages and ONLY directly reply to other people’s. I take great care to ignore them, not give them any attention, and not give a single hint that I care about them at all. Even the times where they addressed me, I keep my responses to a minimum. However, 2 days ago I met him in person (he ended up coming to an event that we were having). I went to dinner after the event with the group of people that I normally go to dinner with, and the person came along. I don’t know if he was planning on going, but I could tell he felt excluded and I asked him if he was coming with us to dinner. I also sat next to him during a part of the dinner (it was a fast food place and we went with a group of 10 people, all of which I am wayyyy closer to). I was ignoring him for the most part, but at one point I did ask him if he liked this place and I made normal small talk with him. I am worried that I cheated because I admittedly did have certain thoughts like: - I felt excited to sit next to him. - I was hoping I looked good. However, I intentionally didn’t shave my mustache that night because I didn’t want to seem like I was just trying to look good for him. I knew the mustache would make me look worse, and I wanted to prove to myself that I was okay with looking worse and that I wouldn’t try to look good for him. - I did however wear my hair in a way that I often do, but sometimes don’t, and I did do this to look more appealing. I took very very good care to NOT give this person any special attention, to ignore him and talk to other people, but I am worried that sitting next to him intentionally was cheating.

Sometimes I catch myself looking at people, specifically men, a little too intently. I feel like I do it to seem prettier or more attractive, but I also think kinda enjoy seeing how they get flustered, I’m not sure. Even though it never goes beyond that, I still feel like I have cheated on my boyfriend, or at the very least, that I am being disrespectful to him. I feel like I’m almost flirting. I don’t know if this is some sort of distortion and or if this is normal. I’m really freaking out to the point where I’m nauseated. Please help. I can’t stop panicking.

I’m a 23 y/o female who has recently entered a phase of obsessive thoughts of mistakes I’ve made, ranging from events that happened over a decade ago when and I was a kid up to things that happened recently. I feel so much debilitating guilt I can’t do anything or function. I especially feel bad for this one instance. I have always had extremely low self esteem, and I often seek attention and validation especially from men. I like being liked. I find myself trying to act or look cute, or even act somewhat like a pick-me, so that I feel liked. I feel like I may even do this with girls too, but especially guys. I just really like attention, and I’ve been in a stagnant 6 year relationship where I don’t really feel desirable, and I’m very lonely. A few months ago I started playing a game where I met a large group of people and we would all play together everyday. One of the people in particular was a 15/16 year old guy who flirted with me a lot, and I kept my distance because he was so young, and I felt kinda weird talking to someone younger than me, but we would still talk sometimes because we were apart of the same discord group, and I have a problem being stern and confrontational so I didn’t want to be mean or make things awkward in the friend group. Although it made me uncomfortable that he was so young and that I’m nearly a whole decade older than him, and I did make it clear that I was dating someone and I was way too old for him and I would tell him to stop, I wasn’t very stern and I was very lighthearted about it and I even found myself liking the attention I got from him. I was flattered. I liked that he liked me so much even though I knew he was a teenager and I feel like I was maybe even seeking attention from him like I did with the other guys in the group. And when I say seeking attention, I mean that I was acting cute so that I was liked and got attention. Is that considered flirting? Was I flirting with him? Does this make me disgusting? That I liked the attention I got even though he was teenager? That I acted cute around him as well as all the other guys so that he would like me? I feel disgusted with myself. Does this make me a predator? Doesn’t this make me disgusting that I liked attention I got from a teenager? To be fair, I like the attention I get from any guy. I just like feeling liked. But I feel like it makes me disgusting that even though I knew he was a teenager I still liked and was flattered by the attention and was possibly even seeking it out from him. My head is all messed up. I really feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I feel disgusted with myself to the point that I’m nauseous. I’m so ashamed. I’ve been crying nonstop for days on end and I feel truly hopeless. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life with this shame and that I’m convinced that makes me a predator or a sick person. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things or not. I just really need some relief because I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I want someone to be honest with me about my actions.