- Date posted
- 1y
Maybe my OCD is some kind of sign 21+ only
I've had some bad trauma in my teen years and it was enough for me to complete shut down when it happened. It was also followed up by a dude, unwanted exposure to pornography. The sad thing is on average people around the age of 13 are exposed to it, which I was. I'm not even gonna mince words. This stuff really fucked me up. It made me act out really badly online and in person. I talked to a lot of random people online and it was sexual and I was pretty mean to people in person from time to time. I don't even know why I was so mean, but I was. This stuff was really bringing out the worst in me and I was addicted to the content. I can't help but think about the memories and they make me extremely uncomfortable. I take no pride in my actions as a teenager not because I want to blame myself for it (although subconsciously I tend to) but because of all of this unresolved trauma. Questioning the positives of my life, low self esteem, insecurities, not letting go of the past, having trouble communicating with people, and how I feel about myself. It all stems from this and I think being bullied in childhood. I think what happened in my adolescence has more of an effect on me though. My whole life I didn't have OCD until 2020. The very same day I found old messages from years ago that were sexual involving a stranger online I didn't know. It gave me so much anxiety it felt like my mind physically change. And boy did it change for good. Ever since that day, I've had POCD and real events obsessions and they still stick to this very day. Could it be that OCD was some kind of amplified warning sign? A sign that I went through a really rough time when I was a teenager? I'm beginning to think that it was in some ways. This stuff hurts a lot and it's hurting my adulthood. I don't know what adulthood could have been like without OCD but all I do know is that I'm constantly thinking about this non-stop and it gives me a lot of shame and guilt along with unhealthy coping mechanisms that have hurt me many many times in the past. Even still, they're very hard to stop. Much like compulsions. All of this stuff still greatly bothers me to this day. It's the unresolved trauma that keeps me on edge and unable to just relax and be okay with myself.