Grief

Ive shared here many times that this year my health anxiety got really bad and it got to a point where i had really sad thoughts and i dont know what to do with them cause they are really deep/dark and i feel like it can be real, like in that situation i can feel the same thing. Im talking about the fear of having cancer, i had alot of stomach issues in these 2 months and i couldnt handle my emetophobia and because i heard from others thst the way i react now to this issue, i couldnt handle if i would have cancer and i would die because of stress, and this made me think cause i think its true... And this became and obsession lurking behind, and one night it gave me actual thoughts like i have cancer and im thinking that maybe i spend my last day with mx family, they are seeing me the last time and how sad will be for them when i die, these really dark things and it made me feel soo sad, like im in that situation and i felt that hopelessnes dark feeling that i might not wake up tomorrow and how it will affect others.. It's a horrible feeling.. and what made me spin more is that after this i thought that i would have the same thoughts if i would be dangerously ill and those feelings are scaring me and i dont know what to do about it... Im afraid i would feel the same thing and it scares me cause these are really dark and strong feelings, you cant just ignore it and move on... It really hard to navigate yourself through these dark thoughts, atleast i cant just move on...

I got a virus, alot of people is sick now, this is another bog virus, i dont know the name, but i talked someone who told me that its normal that this virus attacks your nervous system, and brings up the things we are the most sensitive. I wrote a post before that i had really scary thoughts about maybe i will die tomorrow or i can die anyday, i feel like thats was a sign of that cause now im finding myself being so sensitive about this and also im afraid of depression, suicidal thoughts and feeling hopeless. The biggest problem is that i dont know how to label them,if i say maybe im actually dealing with depression, and i need to work on these dark thoughts then i feel anxious and freak out that im having depression and deep thoughts and then feel shame cause i use fear to hide from a problem which i should take seriously, but if i say its not true, i feel like im lying and not working on my mental health... but these dark hopeless feelings feel so real and the thoughts too, and i know this sounds really ocdish cause everyone says this, but it doesnt feel like the ocd symptoms i have. It seems like ocd is more about me not accepting that im depressed or feeling hopeless which makes me feel guilt more cause that sounds like i just dont want to accept that im actually depressed. Im really afraid that these thoughts and feeling means i have an actual problem, and im actually going through depression. My ocd can be about depression too but i heard from someone that many people with ocd doesnt want to accept that they are depressed and thats the problem, so this makes me feel bad that i have to accept that this is an actual problem. Also with grief, i have a fear over grief cause i think i cant deal with it, and i always has thoughts like "you didnt grieved well" and it makes me really sad and afraid that i will never get out of grief... Whatever i do i feel stuck cause if i accept im going through depression and these thoughts are something i need to work on i just feel worse... I dont know what should i do about this, view it as something i need to work on or its just ocd and the illness getting me where im the most sensitive...

I get alot of times that you should let yourself feel your emotions,now I kinda see the emotions i was struggling with before, and the problem might have been that i didnt let myself feel them, and i even think that thats why i experienced panic attacks. However im struggling again cause letting myself feel the emotions made me emotional and throughout the day many times i feel something that i dont know what to do with, giving them attention makes me spiral. Now its about my dog, for two days he vomitted out what he ate and now he doesnt want to eat his food, some food he does want but those are some human food that he shouldnt eat. But my mom brought chicken meat to him, he doesnt want to eat it, and she made something for him but he doesnt wants to eat that either...This makes me really sad cause im afraid i will lose him. I feel really bad when someone who i love is sick and with him its hard cause dogs cant tell you whats the problem. I have a deep sadness about it and fear and I let myself feel it but it gets so bad that it doesnt help me at all. I dont find it helpful, its just makes my day harder. Now again makes me angry if i hear someone saying you should feel all your feelings... Being aware of it, it takes your focus too, i never understood that, how you are aware of something and your focus does not move there... The bird exemple is not true for me, if i go out and hear a bird chirping either im aware of it and it takes my focus,or I enjoy it with the view, or I just notice it and then ignore it,I dont give so much attention to it. Right now birds are chirping, if i put my awarness there i notice them, but if i focus on here that im writing now, i dont notice them,i forget that birds are chirping...Its not like im aware of both... I agree that i should let myself feel more emotions cause alot of problems came there but I dont know where is the line and when im giving too much attention or when im dealing with them too much...